Escaping the Shadows
Today, we dive into the transformative journey of resilience and self-discovery.
My guest, Holly Snow, shares her powerful story of emerging from a dark place after facing significant trauma and challenges, including her struggles with mental health and substance abuse.
She emphasizes the importance of taking small steps, like cleaning her space, as a way to regain control and clarity in her life. Holly also discusses how asking for help and surrounding herself with supportive people, including her new partner, has been vital in her healing process.
Throughout the episode, we explore the balance between embracing both feminine and masculine energies, illustrating how these aspects have helped her to heal and grow. Join us as we reflect on the beauty of vulnerability and the strength it takes to keep moving forward.
You can connect with Holly on her social media accounts:
FB: facebook.com/holly.snowe
Instagram: @hlsnow268/
A Warrior’s Spirit can be found on all the major platforms at lnk.bio/daryl_praxis33 as well as on ROKU via the ProsperaTV Network app. Be sure to like or subscribe so you never miss an episode!
The music in this video is copyrighted and used with permission from Raquel & The Joshua 1:8 project © 2025 All Rights Reserved. All rights to the music are owned by Raquel & The Joshua 1:8 project © 2025 All Rights Reserved. You can contact Raquel at https://YourGPSForSuccess.Net
Transcript
Coming up on this edition of A Warrior Spirit.
Speaker B:If my head's a mess, like there's too much going on, I clean my room.
Speaker B:I clean my living room.
Speaker B:I clean everything that I can because if I can at least control that and I can clean up that, then maybe I can finally clean up my thoughts.
Speaker B:And that's essentially how I was taking where I was that I was in so much of a mess that cleaning this little corner was not going to actually clean anything.
Speaker C:There are many people who have those negative thoughts and, and who are in their dark place.
Speaker C:So what did you do to help move you out of it?
Speaker C:Because you were in a pretty big hole.
Speaker B:Mm, yeah, it kept it simple.
Speaker B:Honestly.
Speaker B:I cheap phrases.
Speaker B:I faked it till I made it.
Speaker B:I faked the confidence that I was better than I believed.
Speaker B:I faked my abilities to be able to handle any situation.
Speaker B:But I knew that I had to set a cap for myself and not to take on more than what was necessary.
Speaker B:But then I also just got to a point of where I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Speaker B:I was over going through the same things over and over and over again.
Speaker A:A Warrior Spirit provides a platform for independent voices, professionals, and thought leaders to share their insights, experiences, and perspectives.
Speaker A:The views and opinions expressed by hosts and guests are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of Praxis 33 or its affiliates.
Speaker A:Content shared within this program is intended for informational, educational, and inspirational purposes only.
Speaker A:While the host and some guests may be professionals or subject matter experts, the information presented is general in nature and should not replace personalized advice from qualified professionals regarding your individual circumstances.
Speaker A:By viewing this program, you acknowledge that any decisions or actions taken based on the content are your own responsibility.
Speaker D:I've walked through fire with shadows on my heels Scars turn to stories that taught me to feel lost in the silence found in the flame now we're my battle cry without shame this isn't the end it's where I begin A soul that remembers the fire within welcome.
Speaker A:Back to another episode of A Warrior Spirit brought to you by Praxis33.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Darrell Snow.
Speaker A:Let's dive in.
Speaker C:Every once in a while.
Speaker C:This show brings some real special moments for me.
Speaker C:And after doing this for almost four years, today's another one of those days.
Speaker C: Back In March of: Speaker C:And three years later, she's in A much better place than she was back then.
Speaker C:And she's with me again today to kind of share this level of her story where she's gotten over that hump and is on a better trajectory.
Speaker C:So welcome to the show, Holly.
Speaker C:I appreciate you coming back.
Speaker B:Thanks for having me.
Speaker C:Again, like I said the last time we talked, we, we spoke about, you know, some of the things you endured as a young child.
Speaker C:For those who haven't seen that, I do want to just do a brief recap, but we're so far beyond that with you that I want to, you know, really make this about where you are today, but growing up.
Speaker C:First off, I'm going to state that your biological mom is not who you refer to as your mom today, your biological mom.
Speaker C:For the sake of this interview and clarity, I will just refer to as Heather because I know Elsa is in your heart and soul, your mom currently.
Speaker C:And to clarify, I am not your biological father.
Speaker C:I am your stepfather from marrying Heather, but I've been your father since you were 2 years old.
Speaker C:Obviously, we're family.
Speaker C:Blood doesn't make us father and daughter.
Speaker C:The love does.
Speaker C:So for anyone who's listening and doesn't know the backstory, there's some of it.
Speaker B:There's a lot.
Speaker C:There's a lot.
Speaker C:Quickly, when you were a younger child after your, After Heather and I divorced, she and her next husband physically, sexually and emotionally abused you for four or five years until you were able to escape from that.
Speaker C:And subsequently you have moved on.
Speaker C:Now, you did go from that environment into the Navy, which in and of itself is another story.
Speaker C:So you were in the Navy for six years, right?
Speaker B:It was like five and a half, but yeah, close enough.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:So you didn't.
Speaker C:I mean, I know you went into the Navy because your brother was in the Marines and, you know, Grandpa Larry was in the army and you kind of had this affinity for military.
Speaker C:When you're looking back now as a 20 something year old woman, what do you think your real reason for choosing military was?
Speaker B:Because I knew it was going to get me away from everything.
Speaker B:It was a scapegoat.
Speaker B:And I also didn't really feel at that time like I really had anything going for me.
Speaker B:Like I did.
Speaker B:I couldn't see myself going to college.
Speaker B:I didn't want to immediately get into debt.
Speaker B:And at that time, going from high school into adulthood, I was still using a lot of drugs.
Speaker B:So I needed something to kind of help get me out of all of that.
Speaker B:And while I'm not the happiest about the choices that I've made and some of the things that I've had to live through.
Speaker B:When I was in the military, that was the best choice that I could have made for where I was at.
Speaker B:It helped me get cleaned up, I got off of drugs.
Speaker B:It provided the structure that I needed to be able to actually start realizing all the trauma that I was going through and helping me get through it.
Speaker B:But at the same time, it was also adding in to more trauma and that was taking its own separate toll, which then later on ended up having me dive down into a deeper hole while I was trying to fix a broken child.
Speaker B:So there was, it was a lot.
Speaker C:Yeah, a lot of downward spiral.
Speaker C:And I don't think, you know, quite frankly, I mean, I have an affinity for military and those in law enforcement.
Speaker C:To serve our country in the way that they do and have is special to my heart.
Speaker C:But I don't think, I think the military was good to get you out of your home life.
Speaker C:But I often wonder, as your father, I often wonder what your experience would have been had you gone into it a little less desperate and just using the military for the military experience.
Speaker C:Now, I will say in the Navy, and I always joke with you, you guys are the Uber of the military.
Speaker C:You just transport everyone around.
Speaker C:But I will say that the experience you had wasn't the same military experience you could have had simply because of your ship.
Speaker C:I mean, you came out of basic training, you got assigned to your ship, you were on your ship for a brief period of time, and then it went into dry dock.
Speaker C:Like it went into repair mode for four years where you just sat around watching garbage cans like it was not.
Speaker B:Truly a military experience at the crap end of it.
Speaker B:And part of me wishes I would have stayed in to try and continue moving forward with that.
Speaker B:But at that, once I got to that point, I was looking more of going full time support because I wanted to still be in the military, still wanted to have all those benefits of being in the military without worrying about my job or anything like that.
Speaker B:But then at the same time, it would also allow me to be home more.
Speaker B:And I wouldn't have gotten shipped out unless I volunteered for it.
Speaker B:And that's what I was trying to go towards.
Speaker B:But then things got mixed up and one thing led to another that was no longer an option.
Speaker B:They said that I could go into reserves.
Speaker B:I basically told them to excuse my language, but I told them to go fuck themselves and then I got out.
Speaker C:Well, it also didn't help.
Speaker C:It didn't help that once Your ship came out of dry dock that you had then injured your leg and couldn't even sail with the ship.
Speaker C:So like there was every component of this experience that was not a true naval experience.
Speaker C:You came in, you know, you came in very angry, very broken, very just trying to get off the drugs and, and wrap your 18 year old brain around the four or five years of abuse that you had just suffered.
Speaker C:And now you were in a structure where people were in your face telling you what to do, rigid, a lot of everything.
Speaker C:And that was especially knowing my daughter, anti everything you are.
Speaker C:So the experience wasn't that great.
Speaker C:In the military.
Speaker C:You also tried to find solace in other naval people.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:You had several relationships.
Speaker C:You actually secretly gotten married and didn't tell anybody.
Speaker B:Not my finest hour.
Speaker C:So what was going through your head that said that's the path I should choose?
Speaker B:Well, the marriage thing happened only a few months after one of my best friends had taken his life.
Speaker B:And I have continued to say he was my best friend.
Speaker B:We were in a relationship, it was an on and off and I was a very, very broken person.
Speaker B:I lied to him, I cheated on him, I was horrible to him.
Speaker B:And every time that I tried to walk away, he would threaten suicide.
Speaker B:And I, knowing what I should have done, chose not to do it and kept going back up until the last time of where I just said I'm done.
Speaker B:I'm not going to continue to sit here going through crying wolf.
Speaker B:And he actually took his life.
Speaker B:And I think that sent me down another really bad spiral where I felt like I failed him and I just, I didn't see myself in a good light.
Speaker B:And then I met my now ex husband at that same time and he started treating me how I felt on the inside.
Speaker B:And I was like, that's my knighting shining armor.
Speaker B:And I think in the, the haze of being down on myself, him coming in and all of that, I just put on the rose colored glasses and I wasn't willing to look away.
Speaker B:And then.
Speaker B: gotten married in February of: Speaker B:After him and I got married, I had another really big mental break.
Speaker B:Him and I were abusing alcohol.
Speaker B:We were consistently fighting.
Speaker B:The only good thing that I had in that relationship was my dog.
Speaker B:And even then he couldn't really do anything because he had heartworms.
Speaker B:So there was a lot of stress on top of now.
Speaker B:We were in the dry dock season for the Navy and it was just, there was a lot.
Speaker B:I was, oh.
Speaker B:And then Covid on top of it.
Speaker B:So there was.
Speaker B:It was a pressure cooker.
Speaker B:And I broke underneath all of that pressure.
Speaker B:And I talked to one of my friends about how I just didn't feel like my life was worth living.
Speaker B:I didn't feel like I really meant anything anymore.
Speaker B:And my husband at the time made sure that I felt that way.
Speaker B:And so then I ended up going into the psych ward for the first time.
Speaker B:That's where I got diagnosed with a lot of mental disorders.
Speaker B:Yeah, disorders.
Speaker B:And then they pulled me through rehab to get me off of alcohol and to get me on a better route.
Speaker B:And it helped for a bit.
Speaker B:But the biggest thing that it helped me with was realizing how toxic of a household I was in and that I needed to get out of that, that I was putting myself in the same position that I was in when I was living with Heather and that not having control, not being a human, that I was less than dirt.
Speaker B:And then he had reached out to you, so saying that we were married, then you and I got into that little tiff, and I felt like everything around me was crumbling.
Speaker B:I felt like I was losing everything, and I had no control over it.
Speaker B:And so I kicked him out, got divorced from him.
Speaker B:And then that kind of just continued my spiral down of finding the next relationship that was doing the same thing, but slightly better.
Speaker B:Like, it was nicer words, but they were still meaning the same thing that what he was doing.
Speaker B:And I just.
Speaker B:It was relationship after relationship like that, and knowing that realistically none of them were good for me, and I wasn't good for a majority of them.
Speaker B:I was still having bad tendencies of lying and cheating, and I've gotten better.
Speaker B:The last relationship before the one I was in now, there was none of that.
Speaker B:But a friend of his had lied to him, and that's what broke our relationship.
Speaker B:And so, relationship wise, I've struggled.
Speaker B:I've definitely struggled.
Speaker B:It's been hard for me to find good people to help lift me up and keep me moving.
Speaker B:It's always felt like I kept trying to find the struggle people you were.
Speaker C:Finding what you were comfortable with, which was the struggle people you.
Speaker C:You were looking for exterior help instead of fixing what was internal.
Speaker C:And I know that.
Speaker C:I don't know if it was a year or two after the situation, what you just described, but I remember when you attempted suicide again, and you thankfully did not succeed.
Speaker C:And I remember getting the call with mom and I when you were in the hospital and we were told that you had attempted suicide.
Speaker C:Now, as a.
Speaker C:As a Professional coach and a person with a psychology degree and years of experiences dealing with people.
Speaker C:I will readily admit that I did not handle that situation at all very well because I saw the damage that it did to mom, and I felt betrayed because of the years that I had given you.
Speaker C:And then you were in my mind, throwing it all away.
Speaker C:And I will admittedly say that I was also a more broken person throughout, you know, much of our life together.
Speaker C:And I, too, have done my healing, my trauma releases, and working with individuals who not just want to do talk therapy, but actually understand trauma and how to break free from that.
Speaker C:So the situation that was presented at that moment was not handled very well by a loving father.
Speaker C:It was handled very poorly.
Speaker C:But I will say that what went through my brain at the time is that your mom and I had always tried to lift you up and propel you forward and give you safety.
Speaker C:And for you to attempt to take your own life felt to me like a huge slap in the face.
Speaker C:And I very clearly remember asking you, if you were in this much darkness, why didn't you come to me?
Speaker C:And I very clearly remember the sentence.
Speaker C:And I remember it because it helped change me as well.
Speaker C:And you said, I didn't come to you because I didn't want to hear that it was going to be okay and that I could get through it.
Speaker C:I didn't want to hear your positivity.
Speaker C:And at that moment, that was like letting the lid off a pressure cooker for me, because I have always tried to be uplifting and positive.
Speaker C:And so instead of absorbing that, I said, well, if you can't handle the positivity, how about.
Speaker C:And then I went off on all these things you had been doing wrong in your life.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker C:And.
Speaker C:And that was in no way the right way for me or anybody to handle that.
Speaker C:And your brother came to me and said, dad, you can't talk to her that way.
Speaker C:And I said, the hell I can't.
Speaker C:She didn't want to hear how good she is.
Speaker C:Then she can hear all the stuff she's doing wrong.
Speaker C:And he's like, dad, that's not where she's at.
Speaker B:You.
Speaker C:You can't.
Speaker C:Yes, you may be correct, but you can't do that.
Speaker C:And what it made me realize and what mom made me realize and your brother made me realize is that in my entire life of helping people, I had been meeting them where they had the potential to be, not where they were in the moment.
Speaker C:And because I am very good at seeing the good and the potential in people that's the expectation that I had for them.
Speaker C:And it changed the entire dynamic of how I coach, how I interact with mom and dad or mom and David and you and my friends.
Speaker C:I no longer set that expectation of this is your potential.
Speaker C:So this is where you should be.
Speaker C:I have the grace now to say, okay, this is where you are.
Speaker C:Let's meet there and work to where you can be.
Speaker C:So I'm glad that you didn't succeed in the suicide, and I'm also glad that it helped change not only you, but our relationship.
Speaker C:And after this short commercial break, we're going to kind of talk about how those changes look like now.
Speaker C:Okay?
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker C:All righty.
Speaker C:We'll be back in a moment.
Speaker E:So when did you realize the noise in your head wasn't actually your voice?
Speaker E:When I noticed every thought sounded borrowed.
Speaker E:Fear, pressure, old scripts just running on repeat.
Speaker E:That's why I listened to Breakthrough radio.
Speaker E:Scripture, truth, conversations that actually reset the way you think.
Speaker E:Breakthrough Radio.
Speaker E:Because what you hear shapes who you become.
Speaker B:Listen daily.
Speaker C:Hey.
Speaker C:Welcome back to the show.
Speaker C:We're with my daughter Holly today, and we're talking about her hero's journey and how she overcame.
Speaker C:When we took our break, we were talking about the attempted suicide and how that transformed both of us.
Speaker C:Since that time you've gotten out of the Navy, you've moved from Virginia to Alabama, and you've gone from this dark hole to a lighter life.
Speaker C:How did you, from that suicidal attempt build your way out?
Speaker B:It Honestly, I'm not 100% sure that I really built out of it at this point.
Speaker B:It still feels like I ran from it because that suicide attempt was the closest that I've ever gotten.
Speaker B:And it was a huge awakening for me to realize that I genuinely needed help, for one, but that I was no longer in a place that was going to give me any kind of light.
Speaker B:I mean, yeah, the sun was shining, but everything around me was very, very dark.
Speaker B:And it didn't matter if I was at home.
Speaker B:It didn't matter if I was out with friends.
Speaker B:It didn't matter if I was with the next best person.
Speaker B:It was all the same.
Speaker B:And once I realized that that's how it was going to be, I realized that I needed to change my environment.
Speaker B:Like it's for me, if my head's a mess, like there's too much going on, I clean my room.
Speaker B:I clean my living room.
Speaker B:I clean everything that I can.
Speaker B:Because if I can at least control that and I can clean up that, then maybe I can finally clean up my thoughts.
Speaker B:And that's essentially how I was taking where I was, that I was in so much of a mess, that cleaning this little corner was not gonna actually clean anything.
Speaker B:And so I made the choice that I needed to move, that it was time for me to be out of Virginia, that I had more bad memories there than I did have any good, and that it was no longer a place, that it was worth living.
Speaker B:Do I want to go back there and try and revisit some of these areas?
Speaker B:Yes and no.
Speaker B:I'm afraid of the consequences that may be there still that I just don't know of, or if I've wronged somebody so much that they're wanting backlash.
Speaker B:I'm hoping that's not the case, but I don't know.
Speaker B:But outside of that, I decided to move and try to remake a name for me.
Speaker B:And so I looked at moving into the south, and then that's when you reminded me that I had my aunt out here.
Speaker B:And I figured that that would probably be the best place to go.
Speaker B:So if I did end up falling on my face again, then at least I had family to be around to help kind of pick me up.
Speaker B:Instead of me trying to do everything on my own, I finally started asking for help with things that I just couldn't control anymore.
Speaker B:And I kept trying to build to the next best thing.
Speaker B:I've put it into my head now that I'm.
Speaker B:I am personally in my own business for my best opportunity.
Speaker B:And while that may not come across nicely to, let's say, a boss, I've told my boss that I'm in the business of my best opportunity.
Speaker B:And if that means that I need to go somewhere else, well, I'm sorry.
Speaker B:I loved it here.
Speaker B:But I'm going because I'm no longer going to hold myself back.
Speaker B:And I'm tired of letting the ball and chain win.
Speaker B:I'm tired of that being my crutch.
Speaker B:I've.
Speaker B:I'm.
Speaker B:I'm cutting it off.
Speaker B:I'm.
Speaker B:I'm done with it.
Speaker B:I've made the biggest and best choice of my life of moving, getting away from all of it and just starting fresh.
Speaker B:And now I'm trying to buy a house that I never thought would have been possible.
Speaker B:So, like, I'm doing something right.
Speaker C:That's awesome.
Speaker C:But what did you use to.
Speaker C:To.
Speaker C:Because I know you didn't come to mom and I very often, so what did you use to get off the drugs, to change your mindset, to, you know, I'm worth something.
Speaker C:I'm better than this.
Speaker C:I deserve More than this for my life.
Speaker C:There are many people who have those negative thoughts and, and who are in their dark place.
Speaker C:So what did you do to help move you out of it?
Speaker C:Because you were in a pretty big hole.
Speaker B:Mm, yeah, it kept it simple.
Speaker B:Honestly.
Speaker B:I.
Speaker B:Cheap phrases.
Speaker B:I faked it till I made it.
Speaker B:I faked the confidence that I was better than I believed.
Speaker B:I faked my abilities to be able to handle any situation.
Speaker B:But I knew that I had to set a cap for myself and not to take on more than what was necessary.
Speaker B:But then I also just got to a point of where I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Speaker B:I was over going through the same things over and over and over again.
Speaker B:The saying of, to do the same thing multiple times and expecting different results is the same of being like a psychopath or something like that.
Speaker C:The definition of insanity is doing the.
Speaker A:Same thing over and over, expecting new results.
Speaker C:Yes.
Speaker B:Okay, so that, that's where I was at.
Speaker B:I was insanity.
Speaker B:I mean, this is close enough.
Speaker C:Yeah, sure.
Speaker B:But I was, I was tired of going in the same circle.
Speaker B:Like there's this post that I had seen of where I was like, yeah, you may be going in a circle, but have you tried taking a look at it in a different way of instead of a bird's eye view looking down at a spiral staircase, try looking at it from the side.
Speaker B:Now you're actually seeing how you're elevating up instead of just going in a circle.
Speaker B:Well, the circle that I was going in was going down and I was tired of it.
Speaker B:I said, I don't need to be in the dirt no more.
Speaker B:I'm putting down the frickin shovel and it's time for me to bring in the break so that I can get back up.
Speaker B:And it's been a long road.
Speaker B:It started with me getting my alcohol consumption back under control.
Speaker B:It's now to a point of where if I have a drink, it's only one and that's one a night period.
Speaker B:I no longer am on nicotine, which has been amazing within itself.
Speaker B:I didn't realize how much that was affecting me and how much that was actually causing my, the, the chemistry in my brain to be more agitated.
Speaker B:So I've gotten off of nicotine, I've started working out, which is helping me release a lot of stress that I carry from work and from day to day life.
Speaker B:And then I've been eating a lot healthier, which has also helped within its own self.
Speaker B:And it's.
Speaker B:That's been a challenging road Because I've gained more weight than I've ever been in my entire life.
Speaker B:But it's healthy weight.
Speaker B:It's muscle mass with a little bit of fat, but it's all healthy.
Speaker B:And that's the hardest thing for me because I've always been like a size 3.
Speaker B:I've been an itty bitty thing since I can remember.
Speaker B:And now I'm wearing a size 6 pants, and that's huge to me.
Speaker B:I've never been like that.
Speaker B:And now I'm still growing and I'm still having to buy bigger pants because I have chose this lifestyle.
Speaker C:But the drugs and the alcohol kept you smaller than and the traumas and the abuses kept you smaller than.
Speaker C:Than actually living a healthy lifestyle and having a healthy weight.
Speaker C:So I know in our household, especially in our dynamic and especially with mom, we haven't done the church route, but we've done the spiritual route because we have a very deep connection to God.
Speaker C:We just don't find it in a pew.
Speaker C:So how did your connection change with your version of God or your spiritual connection?
Speaker C:How did that change as you started to get healthier?
Speaker B:I'm not entirely sure that it's changed, but I've definitely accepted that there are just things that are.
Speaker B:That I don't get to have a say in.
Speaker B:And I let that be what the universe decides.
Speaker B:Like, there was a house that I was looking at that I almost bought, and I had put it out that if this was not the house for me, let something happen that I can't get it.
Speaker B:And that's exactly what happened.
Speaker B:We and I, you and I had talked about it.
Speaker B:We went over the contract.
Speaker B:You said that it wasn't a good contract, that I should walk away from it.
Speaker B:I was still very reluctant on it because I fell in love with the house.
Speaker B:I thought it was a beautiful place.
Speaker B:I loved the area.
Speaker B:It was great.
Speaker B:It was beautiful.
Speaker B:But then when I checked in on it a week later, somebody else had already bought it.
Speaker B:I was like, okay, well, you know what?
Speaker B:That's.
Speaker B:It sucks, but it is what it is.
Speaker B:That's that it clearly was not the house meant for me.
Speaker B:And I'm not going to keep on putting money into a pit.
Speaker B:And so that's kind of where I'm at of where it's just, if it's meant to be, it'll be, but if it's not, it won't.
Speaker B:And there's nothing that I can do about that.
Speaker B:So why let that affect me emotionally?
Speaker B:And that's kind of just where I'VE been.
Speaker C:Do you.
Speaker C:Do you find a spiritual connection or do you just, like, throw up your hands and whatever's going to be.
Speaker C:Is going to be like, Is that truly your mantra, or do you actually have a spiritual connection that you connect with?
Speaker B:That's truly my mantra.
Speaker B:I don't really have any kind of connection to anything, but I've also not really sought out a connection to anything.
Speaker B:Like, I.
Speaker B:If anything, I would say that I feel more connected to Mother Nature than anything else.
Speaker B:Like that.
Speaker B:If I had to put some kind of greater being, I would say that Mother Nature is that I love it with every single bit of my being, and I would do anything and everything if I had the ability to.
Speaker B:To help rebuild Mother Nature, but I can't.
Speaker B:So I'm doing it one step at a time for what I can do, and that's planting more plants.
Speaker C:There you go.
Speaker C:And.
Speaker C:And as you started to believe that you were worth something, you started to believe that enough is enough.
Speaker C:Life started to improve and change.
Speaker C:Now, I do want to.
Speaker C:I do want to touch on this real quick, because you mentioned him.
Speaker C:Bear has been.
Speaker C:Bear has been with you through a lot of this, and he's been your support.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker C:Talk a little bit about.
Speaker C:And was he a rescue dog or did you.
Speaker B:Yep, he was a rescue dog.
Speaker B:I got him from a shelter.
Speaker B:When I got him, he had heart.
Speaker C:Did he look like.
Speaker C:Did he look like the dog on the left when you got him?
Speaker A:Or.
Speaker B:Or was he.
Speaker B:No, he looked more like the dog on the right.
Speaker B:He stole my heart.
Speaker B:Oh, my goodness.
Speaker B:When I went to the shelter.
Speaker B:So at this point, I had gone to, like, three shelters, maybe.
Speaker B:So I was kind of doing just a quick look around, and when I went around the first time, he was sleeping on his little cot, and I was like, okay, whatever.
Speaker B:Like, I'm not going to disturb him because I don't know if I want him.
Speaker B:But then when I made the second round, he had his paws crossed, his ears were perked, and he was looking straight at me, and his tail started wagging.
Speaker B:And I was like, yep, this is the dog.
Speaker B:He's coming home with me.
Speaker C:He was on display.
Speaker C:He was ready.
Speaker B:Yes, he was.
Speaker B:He was.
Speaker B:And he's.
Speaker B:He's been my best friend.
Speaker B:He's been my confidant.
Speaker B:He's gone everywhere with.
Speaker C:Well, he's certainly not going to tell your secrets.
Speaker C:He's certainly not going to tell your secrets.
Speaker C:So to be your confidant is kind of pretty.
Speaker C:But how.
Speaker C:How old is he?
Speaker B:He's 10 this year.
Speaker C:Oh, wow.
Speaker C:And, and, and what created the image on the left?
Speaker B:I had a roll of streamers that I had no idea what to do with.
Speaker B:And then I looked at him and I said, let's mummify him and then try to get out of it.
Speaker B:And that's kind of what happened.
Speaker C:Okay.
Speaker C:I thought maybe he got into it, but you put it into it.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:He doesn't look happy about that then.
Speaker B:It was quite funny though, so I'm happy.
Speaker B:Yeah, he got some treats out of it.
Speaker C:And what, what about having the dog helped you get out of where you were?
Speaker B:I've always wanted to be able to have a better home for him.
Speaker B:When I first brought him in, he was supposed to be in a stress free area because of him having heartworms and the medication that he was going to have to get.
Speaker B:And that was not a stress free household.
Speaker B:That was anything but.
Speaker B:And so from there it was me trying to find the next best home that I could give him.
Speaker B:And when I had attempted, he had came from the living room into my room where I was and he just laid his head on my leg and gave me like the biggest puppy dog eyes.
Speaker B:And that is what made me realize that I wasn't actually ready to go.
Speaker B:I didn't want to go.
Speaker B:I wasn't, because I knew that I couldn't protect him, I couldn't keep him safe, I couldn't give him that better home that I promised him.
Speaker B:And so I had tried to go and it was via pill.
Speaker B:So I tried to go and throw up everything.
Speaker B:And at that point my body was already taking it in and panic has started setting in.
Speaker B:And one of my friends helped me get through that, which I'll always be grateful for him for.
Speaker B:But when I was finally able to come back home and I was able to hold him, I knew that that wasn't the house for him.
Speaker B:I knew that we needed a better place.
Speaker B:I needed a better place.
Speaker B:And so we packed up and we moved on.
Speaker B:And he's been so much happier.
Speaker B:He gets to run around all the time now and he gets to be just another puppy dog.
Speaker B:He still has a like the little puppy walk to him.
Speaker B:It's adorable.
Speaker B:He prances around like you.
Speaker C:You saved him from the rescue shelter and he saved you from your suicide attempt because when you had already taken the pills and was already into effect, if he hadn't come to you, you probably wouldn't have taken the steps to, to rectify it.
Speaker C:Correct.
Speaker C:That's pretty amazing.
Speaker C:And, and I love that for you now Another thing, thing that has happened to you as you started to dig yourself out of your hole and rebuild on better ground, you were blessed with finding.
Speaker C:And what I love about this story, and I'm sorry that I chopped the story, but what I love about this story is that you weren't looking for your partner.
Speaker C:Your partner found you, which is a great way for it to happen.
Speaker C:So tell me about this guy that's Neo.
Speaker B:We had actually met through work.
Speaker B:He was working at a. I think it's.
Speaker B:I couldn't tell you what it was.
Speaker B:I had it and I lost it.
Speaker B:But I was working at a quick loop spot and he was bringing in their company vehicles.
Speaker B:And that's how we met, because I was helping, working on those vehicles.
Speaker B:And then when I went to a different location, he actually found me on Facebook and he messaged me asking me out on a date.
Speaker B:And I was very reluctant because I was like, I don't.
Speaker B:I'm trying to do what's best for me.
Speaker B:Like, I'm trying to be on my girl boss type of thing.
Speaker B:I don't really know if I want to do that.
Speaker B:But then a couple days went by and I said, all right, well, let me hear him out.
Speaker B:And so we went to this place called the Nook, which is like a really big whiskey bar place.
Speaker B:It was super good.
Speaker B:But when we actually sat down at that table and was able to have just a genuine conversation, oh, it was like the stars aligned.
Speaker B:Everything was matching one after the other after the other.
Speaker B:We're.
Speaker B:We're sitting there in like the same boat of like, how we view some things, what we want for our life, if we were to have a family, just like those, those odds and end questions that kind of come up.
Speaker B:And we were laughing throughout the entire night.
Speaker B:But what really, what really stole my heart about this was that after we were done at the bar, we went to another location to go and get some tacos.
Speaker B:And I wasn't thinking about it.
Speaker B:I rode with him and we went off, we got some food.
Speaker B:We came back to where my truck was and my keys were locked in it.
Speaker B:And he stayed there with me until two in the morning, trying to help me break into my own truck.
Speaker B:Because trying to get a tow truck driver out there to help us break in was damn near impossible.
Speaker B:We called so many different people.
Speaker B:But then around, yeah, it was around 2am he just said, you know what, let's try again tomorrow morning where we can actually get some things, try and figure this out a little bit better.
Speaker B:And we actually have Light.
Speaker B:And I was like, okay.
Speaker B:So he dropped me off where I was staying.
Speaker B:And then the next day, he had texted me saying, hey, I'm up.
Speaker B:Whenever you're ready, let me know.
Speaker B:I said, yep.
Speaker B:And so he came and picked me up, and we went back to the truck.
Speaker B:We were finally able to get it in after an hour of trying.
Speaker B:And we were both sitting there, just, yes, finally happy that we were able to do it.
Speaker B:And then after that, we went to a Waffle House to have breakfast, and I said, you know what?
Speaker B:This will just be date 1.5.
Speaker B:It'll just be in continuance of what yesterday was.
Speaker B:And since then, him and I have been the best, best of friends.
Speaker B:He's.
Speaker B:He's.
Speaker B:He's let me get my emotions out in a healthy way.
Speaker B:He's allowed me to be mad without holding it against me.
Speaker B:He's allowed me to cry.
Speaker B:He's allowed me to be able to feel what I needed to feel in moments.
Speaker B:And I've been able to be that steady rock that he needs.
Speaker B:And I've.
Speaker B:I've also been able to be that person that allows him to be able to have emotions, because he was telling me beforehand that his past relationships, if he were to start crying, they would beat on him for it.
Speaker B:Like, you're supposed to be a man.
Speaker B:You don't cry.
Speaker B:Da, da, da, da, da.
Speaker B:But then when I came into play, it was, no, you're a human.
Speaker B:You're allowed to feel.
Speaker B:Feel what you need to feel.
Speaker B:And since then, him and I have had a really great relationship.
Speaker B:Our communication is really good.
Speaker B:Surprisingly, even though we've only been together for a little over a year now, anytime that him and I start getting into any kind of little tiffs, nine times out of ten, one of us will realize that it's over some random crap and we really don't need to be arguing.
Speaker B:So then we're sitting there like, why.
Speaker B:Why are we getting mad?
Speaker B:Like, what.
Speaker B:What is this?
Speaker B:What is happening right now?
Speaker B:And we kind of laugh about it, and then we realize that it's probably just a miscommunication or somebody misspoke.
Speaker B:But, yeah, no, he's.
Speaker B:He's great.
Speaker B:I love him.
Speaker C:Well, one thing as I look at this picture of you and Neil, and those of you who don't know, Holly, don't know this nuance, but in this photo, there is true joy and happiness.
Speaker C:It's not forced or faked just for the camera.
Speaker C:And as a.
Speaker C:As a parent, that's all we can ask for.
Speaker C:Our children is to.
Speaker C:Is to find joy and happiness with their partner and ones that can be their best friends.
Speaker C:And speaking of the joy and happiness, when you were growing up and when you were in your dark places and when.
Speaker C:When you were in your evolution, there wasn't a lot of embracing the softer, feminine side.
Speaker C:There was, you know, military boots or hiking boots.
Speaker C:There was long jeans, bulky sweaters and.
Speaker B:Shirts, and I was one of the boys.
Speaker C:Yeah, you were.
Speaker C:You were trying to hide.
Speaker C:So when we see you in a dress or in something girly with a smile on your face as.
Speaker C:As your parents, mom and I absolutely love these type of photos from you.
Speaker C:Express the dress on the left because I know you didn't wear dresses till then.
Speaker B:Yep.
Speaker B:Yep.
Speaker B:That was actually the dress that mom had got me, and that was one of the ones that she was thinking about having for the bridesmaid dresses, but she decided against it.
Speaker B:But she knew that I. I really, really did like it.
Speaker B:I'm just glad it's still.
Speaker B:It still fits with me getting bigger from where I was.
Speaker B:Thanks.
Speaker B:I think I was like 115, 120 pounds when.
Speaker B:When y' all got married.
Speaker B:And now being 40, 50 pounds heavier, I can still fit into that.
Speaker B:Great.
Speaker B:Very great.
Speaker B:But, yeah, no, it's.
Speaker B:It's weird because it's.
Speaker B:I realized that that shift happened.
Speaker B:It started before Neil came into my life.
Speaker B:It was there, but I wasn't confident about it.
Speaker B:I wanted to start expressing the feminine side of me, but I just didn't feel comfortable.
Speaker B:But then when Neil came into play, he.
Speaker B:That fake confidence feel real.
Speaker B:That, well, I' ma just do what I'm gonna do anyways, because it's me.
Speaker B:He backed that up.
Speaker B:He.
Speaker B:He cemented that.
Speaker B:And that's what made doing these.
Speaker B:This so much easier, actually.
Speaker B:Wearing makeup, doing my hair, wearing skirts and dresses.
Speaker B:Like, now I try and find an occasion where I can actually wear a dress and not feel weird about it.
Speaker B:Like, I want.
Speaker B:I. I've been waiting for the summer so that I can start wearing summer dresses.
Speaker B:I've never wanted to do that before, but now I crave to do that.
Speaker B:Like, it's like I finally was able to let the woman in me be the woman in me.
Speaker B:And it's you.
Speaker C:You find a.
Speaker C:You have found a connection with your femininity.
Speaker C:You're.
Speaker C:You're masculine.
Speaker C:You.
Speaker C:Your masculine energy was so strong because it was survival, and you were trying to survive your life.
Speaker C:So your masculine, masculine enemy.
Speaker C:Enemy.
Speaker C:I've never spoken before.
Speaker B:Geez.
Speaker C:Your masculine energy helped you survive your feminine Energy is helping you connect to your real self.
Speaker B:Yeah, it's.
Speaker B:It's helping me heal a lot more.
Speaker B:And I still work in the automotive industry, and I haven't been able to figure out if I wanted to be a service advisor, if I wanted to continue being a tech.
Speaker B:But with allowing me to work in the automotive, I still get to have that masculine energy.
Speaker B:I can still connect to something that I've known my entire life and still come home and be gentle and soft where I have to be abrasive at work.
Speaker B:I can be soft at home.
Speaker B:And it's a nice separation because it doesn't feel like I'm cutting out what my history is.
Speaker B:It doesn't feel like I'm cutting out what has made my core, but it still is allowing me to know that I don't have to be that way.
Speaker B:2, 4, 7.
Speaker B:That doesn't have to make my life.
Speaker B:It's okay for me to go and get my nails done and feel like a girl, but then I can also go and turn wrenches when I need to.
Speaker B:So, like, it's.
Speaker B:It's a nice balance, and I. I love it.
Speaker B:I really do.
Speaker C:Were you kind of shocked by the joy you found by embracing your femininity?
Speaker C:Because I've known a lot of females who've had to stay in their masculine energy far too long, and it's like this foreign concept.
Speaker C:So what was your experience as you started to embrace.
Speaker B:Was honestly kind of scary because, I mean, social media, Hollywood movies, magazines, all these things show you what a woman is supposed to look like and how they're supposed to act, how they're supposed to dress.
Speaker B:So it was definitely scary stepping into that and still knowing that.
Speaker B:Just because I'm not a Victoria's Secret model doesn't mean that I'm not beautiful.
Speaker B:And knowing that going into it and stepping into a skirt or stepping into a dress and still feeling beautiful within myself has been amazing.
Speaker B:I can't tell you how many times I've done that.
Speaker B:And I've seen myself in the mirror, and it doesn't get out of my bedroom because at some point I was like, I can't wear this outside, and I'll get changed.
Speaker B:But now.
Speaker B:Now I'm at a point of wherever.
Speaker B:If I'm fighting it in my head of, I don't feel confident in this, I go and I find Neil.
Speaker B:I'm like, hey, what do you think about this?
Speaker B:Or should I change?
Speaker B:He's like, no, you're beautiful.
Speaker B:You're gorgeous.
Speaker B:You're da, da, da.
Speaker B:Da, da.
Speaker B:Whatever the word is.
Speaker B:And that helps reinstate that confidence of, no, this is okay.
Speaker B:I'm okay to feel beautiful in my own skin, whether that's in a dress or if I'm in my work boots, I'm allowed to do this.
Speaker B:And it's helped immaculately.
Speaker B:But it was definitely scary in the beginning and definitely a shock going outside and, like, still feeling confident, because I could.
Speaker B:I could see it in the corners of my eyes of people turning their heads.
Speaker B:I'm like, no.
Speaker B:But then Neil is like, no, that's a good thing.
Speaker B:Like, they're staring at you because you're beautiful, not because you look weird.
Speaker B:I'm like, okay, if you say so.
Speaker B:It's freaking me out.
Speaker C:It is.
Speaker C:It is an adjustment.
Speaker C:Yeah, it is an adjustment for.
Speaker C:For that transformation as you look back into your.
Speaker C:Into your life.
Speaker C:And your transformation has been very noticeable from a parental standpoint and from someone who's known you for virtually your entire life, to see where you're going is just so heartwarming.
Speaker C:And especially then you add it as.
Speaker A:A parent, it's even more.
Speaker C:But what do you.
Speaker C:Because I sometimes ask this question of people a little older than their mid-20s, so it's an easier question.
Speaker C:But what do you say to people who know that they're in the darkness but are too scared to ask for help or just can't find the fake it till you make it attitude?
Speaker C:What do you tell those folks?
Speaker C:Because I know you do a lot of helping of others.
Speaker B:I tell them to make it to their next meal.
Speaker B:It was the same thing that I did when I was in the military, whenever we went out on the underways, your days start blending in with each other.
Speaker B:Everything starts looking the same.
Speaker B:You're talking to the same people, and it gets very depressing.
Speaker B:And the biggest thing that helped if you're not working out, if you're not doing some kind of physical activity, was make it to your next meal.
Speaker B:Because even though it's hard to eat, you can still eat even if it's just a bowl of cereal.
Speaker B:And at some point, that bowl of cereal may turn into eggs and bacon.
Speaker B:And then it could be a sandwich, and then it could be specifically a Reuben.
Speaker B:I mean, it builds off of itself.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:And the hardest part, easiest to say, give yourself grace.
Speaker B:It is incredibly needed.
Speaker B:Because even though your brain is telling you all the worst things, there are people around that don't see that.
Speaker B:They only see the best things.
Speaker B:And it sucks and it's difficult, but it's going to be better.
Speaker B:You just have to be willing to step out of the muck.
Speaker B:And when you're willing to step, there will be somebody there holding their hand out.
Speaker C:That's fantastic advice from someone who is still in the process of stepping out of their own muck.
Speaker B:It's been great.
Speaker C:What do you want your future legacy to look like?
Speaker C:What do you want to be known for?
Speaker B:That's a great question.
Speaker B:Honestly, I would probably say just the amount of love that I have for people, because I've.
Speaker B:I've seen the worst of some humans and including yourself.
Speaker B:Yes, 100%.
Speaker B:And I. I can see how easy it is to fall, how easy it is to succumb to any kind of darkness.
Speaker B:But the thing that I've always heard was that it's astonishing for somebody to go through what I've gone through and still have so much love to give out to the world.
Speaker B:And I think that would.
Speaker B:If I were to pass away, I think that's what I would want on my headstone is that through the darkness, her heart shined on.
Speaker B:Because I have a lot of love and I want to be able to share it with people.
Speaker B:I want to be able to give people hugs.
Speaker B:But not everybody wants a hug, and that's fine.
Speaker B:But I'm here and I want to help.
Speaker B:I just don't always know how to help.
Speaker C:That was one thing that was very clear.
Speaker C:As someone who's walked this journey with you, even at your lowest moments, you would always try to help somebody who was alongside you to get through their darkness as well.
Speaker C:You were always giving to those around you, almost to the detriment of yourself at times, because you were giving from an empty cup.
Speaker C:But something in your heart found the ability to still love and care for those around you, even when that same heart couldn't love and care for yourself.
Speaker C:And I see that a lot in Mom.
Speaker C:You know, she's almost died twice because of her illness, and even on her deathbed, she was wanting to, you know, help strangers.
Speaker C:And you and her are a lot alike in that.
Speaker C:I always say, you know, you'd give the shirt off your back, and if you don't have a shirt, you'll give your skin.
Speaker C:It's just the nature of you.
Speaker C:So I think as you continue to also now give from a fuller cup, the that will definitely be something you are truly known for, is your giver's heart.
Speaker C:But I do still want you to only give from a full cup.
Speaker B:Yes, yes.
Speaker B:And that's definitely helped.
Speaker B:Is self care putting back into me what I give out to others.
Speaker B:I mean, the golden rule, treat others how you want to be treated.
Speaker B:But now in this day and age, people have forgotten that.
Speaker B:So you have to treat you how you would like to treat others.
Speaker B:Spin it around.
Speaker C:And as we come to a close of this, first off, thank you for coming back and sharing the joyous side of your journey.
Speaker C:I know that there's a lot more ahead of you because you are still young and the life is going to just continue to get better.
Speaker C:You won't have to fake it anymore because you are making it.
Speaker C:But I'm going to ask you the same question that I ask all my guests.
Speaker C:What's a warrior spirit or having a warrior spirit mean to you now?
Speaker B:To keep going, to keep pushing.
Speaker B:It hurts.
Speaker B:It sucks.
Speaker B:It's painful.
Speaker B:But the will to keep going is always going to be stronger.
Speaker B:And even if that means that you're crawling, it's still moving forward.
Speaker C:Well, I'm thankful that you're still moving forward and that your warrior spirit is carrying you to the next part of your journey.
Speaker C:So thank you for coming back on here.
Speaker C:And you know, you know I love you because you're my daughter, but I just love where you're headed and where you're going.
Speaker C:So thank you for sharing that with us.
Speaker B:Of course.
Speaker B:Thank you for having me.
Speaker C:And if you'd like to get in touch with Holly, you can do so on our social media accounts, Facebook and Instagram.
Speaker C:And thank you for joining us on.
Speaker A:This edition of A Warrior Spirit.
Speaker A:We're now on all the major platforms as well as on roku via the ProsperITV app and at breakthroughradio.net so be sure to like or subscribe to catch all the episodes.
Speaker A:As always, the journey is sacred.
Speaker C:The warrior is you.
Speaker A:So remember to be inspired, be empowered, and embrace the spirit of the warrior within.
