Your Secrets Keep You Sick
This summer, I am running several Bonus Replays from interviews a while ago.
If you missed these the first time around, this will be your chance to catch them now! This episode originally aired 5-31-23
Today, we dive into a powerful conversation with Sonia Graham, a dynamic woman who has transformed her life after facing unimaginable trauma. We kick things off by discussing her journey through adversity, starting from a childhood marked by severe abuse and navigating the complexities of being adopted.
Her biological father tried to kill her 3 times as an infant, her son tried to kill her as a young adult, and life tried to kill her along the way.
She prevailed through it all and has conquered her demons.
Sonia shares her experiences, including the painful moments that led her to seek healing through therapy and personal development programs like those from Tony Robbins and John Maxwell.
Sonia is a dynamic powerhouse who now trains and leads others and shines her light brightly despite the darkness she came from.
Together, we explore the importance of self-compassion, the challenges of breaking free from old patterns, and how embracing our stories can not only aid our healing but also help others who are struggling.
A Warrior’s Spirit can be found on all the major platforms at lnk.bio/daryl_praxis33
Be sure to like or subscribe so you never miss an episode!
Takeaways:
- Sonia's journey illustrates the importance of understanding trauma from an early age, as her experiences with abuse shaped her life significantly.
- The discussion highlights how vital it is to seek help and therapy, especially for those with a history of trauma, as it can lead to healing and empowerment.
- Sonia emphasizes that healing is a continuous journey, not a destination, and that it's crucial to be patient and kind to oneself during this process.
- The podcast reinforces the concept that sharing one's story can be a powerful tool for healing, both for the storyteller and for those who hear it, creating a sense of community.
- A key point discussed is the importance of establishing boundaries and recognizing one's own worth, which is essential for personal growth and maintaining healthy relationships.
- The episode concludes with a reminder that we all have battles to fight, and by taking care of ourselves first, we can better support others in their struggles.
Transcript
Welcome back to another episode of A Warrior Spirit, where we enable the inner warrior out to light.
Speaker A:Today I have Sonya Graham.
Speaker A:Sonia is a colleague in mind in the respect that we've both been through the John Maxwell program.
Speaker A:We both are realtors and we are both survivors and believe in empowering others.
Speaker A:Sonia is the team lead at Simple Moves group at JPAR Maryland Living, and I'm just honored that she took time out of her day to join us.
Speaker A:Thank you, Sonia.
Speaker B:Oh, thank you.
Speaker B:The pleasure and honor is all mine.
Speaker B:Thank you for asking me to be here.
Speaker A:So I know that we haven't interacted a lot, mostly online through Facebook, and I've just been inspired by your story, the things that you've shared and, you know, how you've overcome, you know, what you've done in your life.
Speaker A:So I appreciate you coming on today to share some of that.
Speaker A:Where did some of the struggle start and how did you overcome that part of it to get as empowered as you are today because you're a very dynamic woman.
Speaker B:Thank you.
Speaker B:That's a big question.
Speaker B:Where did my trauma trouble start?
Speaker B:So when I was born is kind of when they started for me.
Speaker B:I was abused quite severely by my biological father from the time I was born till the time I was two years old.
Speaker B:He tried to kill me three times before I was two.
Speaker B:And that just in itself, you know, when.
Speaker B:When you're a baby and you know, your formative years where you're learning connection and you're learning, you know, when I cry, I will be taken care of.
Speaker B:When I'm hungry, I will be fed.
Speaker B:I didn't get that.
Speaker B:That's not how my brain formed.
Speaker B:So I was.
Speaker B:I was adopted by a really kind couple and who didn't really understand trauma, unfortunately.
Speaker B:And so that was kind of a struggle throughout.
Speaker B:I always felt like a part of me was missing.
Speaker B:I always knew I was adopted, but I always had the desire to know my siblings.
Speaker B:And it felt weird never, like, seeing anyone who looked like me.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Like, because I would see my friends, my, you know, my friends and.
Speaker B:And people that went to our church and everybody looked like their mom and dad and nobody looked like me.
Speaker B:So that was really weird.
Speaker B:PTSD also wasn't a thing for kids when I was a kid.
Speaker B:And that's actually what.
Speaker B:I have had PTSD all my life.
Speaker B:So when I was a teenage and I got my period and got the hormones and the angst, plus the ptsd, that made it really, really trying for my family.
Speaker B:And I ended up living in a group home from 8th grade, till the time.
Speaker B:Till I think, the end of my junior year.
Speaker B:And then I moved back home, which was a huge trauma because I was living in one environment.
Speaker B:You know, started with my family, then got put in to live with strangers.
Speaker B:Got used to that.
Speaker B:Now I'm back with my family, who we both changed.
Speaker B:Like, I had a different perspective of life just because of all the people I was exposed to, all the things, you know, different cultures, different thought process, different religions.
Speaker B:And my family was my family.
Speaker B:They.
Speaker B:They are who they are.
Speaker B:And so that was very trying.
Speaker B:Ended up having to go to a wilderness camp.
Speaker B:It was supposed to be for 30 days, but because I'm so special, I stayed there for 90.
Speaker B:So I was in the Utah desert, literally hiking around the mountains of Utah from October to, like, January.
Speaker B:And I don't know if you know anything about the Utah mountains, but they're the.
Speaker B:The weather is not the greatest.
Speaker B:Yeah, it's super hot.
Speaker B:When it's cold, it's snowing.
Speaker B:So, like, I know how to build a tent.
Speaker B:I know how to build a bow drill fire, which a lot of people would look at me and be like, what?
Speaker B:I know how to cook a turkey underground or in the ground for Thanksgiving.
Speaker B:So that also shaped me as a person.
Speaker B:Going back home.
Speaker B:Ended up getting pregnant at 17.
Speaker B:Having a baby very, very, very young, without the father.
Speaker B:Then the next couple years were kind of a blur, but I ended up getting pregnant again, but this time with a very abusive man and was homeless for a little while.
Speaker B:Then my grandparents took me in, and I kind of just rebuilt my life.
Speaker B:But there were some rules to me being living with my grandparents and having a relationship with my parents and people who are like me, spunky and independent and survivors.
Speaker B:We don't really love rules.
Speaker A:So meant to be, not broken, but either.
Speaker B:Yeah, right, exactly.
Speaker B:So anyways, I ended up getting out on my own.
Speaker B:Ended up marrying my high school sweetheart.
Speaker B:Ended up divorcing my high school sweetheart, sweetheart.
Speaker B:Ten months after we got married, got remarried to a man that I'd only known for about four months.
Speaker B:We were married for a total of 14 years, I think.
Speaker B:But my brother killed himself.
Speaker B: In: Speaker B:My.
Speaker B:My oldest son has always lived.
Speaker B:Well, from about three till now, he's always lived with my parents.
Speaker B: my parental rights removed in: Speaker B:And that was like a crush to my soul.
Speaker B:And then it gets better.
Speaker B:There's more.
Speaker B:I found out my Husband at the time, 11 years, was cheating and had been cheating on me for 17 or sorry though the whole time.
Speaker B:We were married with a total of 17 women and his sister.
Speaker B:And that was a huge blow to not only my ego and my heart, but also to my brain because he was kind of one of the only people in my life I actually trusted.
Speaker B:So we started going through a very, very, very nasty divorce.
Speaker B: And in: Speaker B:Not to mention in the middle of all this, like I'm working 100 commission job and the world is exploding with the pandemic and everyone is fear mongering.
Speaker B:So that's all the trauma.
Speaker B:That's where everything started.
Speaker A:Yeah, that's.
Speaker A:It's like a shotgun blast to your life.
Speaker A:What it really was.
Speaker A:When you say your, when you say your parents, were those the biological parents or the adoptive parents that I always.
Speaker B:Refer to, I always refer to my parents as my, the people that adopted me as my parents because they're the only people that I've known.
Speaker B:I'm going to always refer to my biological parents as the people who made me.
Speaker A:Got it?
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:So you were even too rowdy for your parents, so they sent you out into the wilderness to shape you and basically gave you survival guide, you know.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Made me all kinds of strong.
Speaker A:You have flowed in and out of moments of happiness, but a lot of trauma.
Speaker A:What caused, in your opinion, your parents to decide that you weren't fit to raise your child?
Speaker B:So at the time, the one when they, when I first asked them to help me with my son, I had been beaten very severely by a man to the point where I couldn't even get out of bed to make my son cereal.
Speaker B:And I didn't want, I don't want my son to see me like that.
Speaker B:I don't want my parents to see me like that.
Speaker B:So I called my mom, was like, hey, I'm not feeling well.
Speaker B:Can you, can you take my child for me for a couple of days?
Speaker B:And that couple of days turned into me kind of spiraling out and the shame and the anger.
Speaker B:I ended up partying a lot with my friends and they just kind of decided like they'd heard it through the grapevine that like I was, I was being a party girl.
Speaker B:I ended up losing my job.
Speaker B:I got evicted.
Speaker B:I was living with like single people who were living, I mean, living a party lifestyle, if you will.
Speaker B:And so they were, they kind of intervened and were like, hey, like, here is.
Speaker B:I don't even remember the Amount of money over there.
Speaker B:He's like, here's a bunch of money.
Speaker B:Here's a plane ticket to anywhere you want in the world.
Speaker B:Please go get yourself right.
Speaker B:We'll watch your son sign this.
Speaker B:This temporary guardianship form, and when you're better, will give your son back to you.
Speaker B:Well, this is my dad speaking to me.
Speaker B:My dad.
Speaker B:You know, I don't.
Speaker B:I've never.
Speaker B:You know, being honest is something that he kind of ingrained in me, so why would he ever lie to me?
Speaker B:Why would he ever trick me?
Speaker B:Unfortunately, he did trick me.
Speaker B:It was a.
Speaker B:It was a permanent guardianship form he had me sign.
Speaker B:He never had any intent giving me my child back.
Speaker B:And I was just too lost and hurt.
Speaker B:And I truly did want was best for my son.
Speaker B:And I knew that at that time, where I was and.
Speaker B:And like, where I was living and financially, I wasn't the best choice for him.
Speaker B:So was it the right thing to do?
Speaker B:Sure.
Speaker B:Was it done correctly?
Speaker B:No.
Speaker B:But that's kind of where they.
Speaker B:And they wanted a kid.
Speaker B:My parents were not able to have any children.
Speaker B:That's why they adopted me.
Speaker B:They ended up having a child five years after they got me.
Speaker B:And my mom had had a miscarriage, like, two years prior to.
Speaker B:To them taking my.
Speaker B:My son from me.
Speaker B:So they.
Speaker B:Oh, I knew.
Speaker B:I know they always wanted children, and I think they kind of felt like that was their, like, second chance.
Speaker A:And how old were you when that was going on?
Speaker B:20, 21.
Speaker A:Still young.
Speaker A:Not even knowing what's going on in the world.
Speaker A:And so you.
Speaker A:You mentioned that your other child tried to kill you.
Speaker A:How old were you at that time?
Speaker A:And what causes that kind of rift?
Speaker A:Because that's not normal interaction between parent and child either, correct?
Speaker B:No, it is not.
Speaker B:So I was 38.
Speaker B:I was 38.
Speaker B:And it was really just.
Speaker B:He struggled with being able to process his.
Speaker B:His feelings.
Speaker B:You know, a lot of times we get big emotions, and if we are in what we feel, a safe environment, and by safe, I mean people who are able to hold space for us and.
Speaker B:And talk us through things, a lot of times we can process them.
Speaker B:But when you are a child who.
Speaker B:Whose mom has active PTSD but wasn't in treatment for it, like, I didn't know.
Speaker B:I didn't know I had ptsd.
Speaker B:I knew there was something.
Speaker B:Like, I knew my.
Speaker B:My emotions were big and.
Speaker B:And I knew that I had really.
Speaker B:I knew that I was anxious.
Speaker B:I did.
Speaker B:I'd have a name for it.
Speaker B:And then you have a father who's a Sex addict and an alcoholic and who has abandoned the family.
Speaker B:And you have a mom who like, my son knows my story.
Speaker B:He knew about from being a baby to having him.
Speaker B:Like, I've never like shielded him from that, but he's always seen me get back up.
Speaker B:Like, he's always seen me be strong.
Speaker B:And when it finally fell apart with my ex husband and he left me, you know, he.
Speaker B:He tried to basically bankrupt me and from me and in working a commission job, like, I was like, my.
Speaker B:My soul was just tired.
Speaker B:I was, I was tired of surviving, I was tired of fighting.
Speaker B:I was like, when does this end right?
Speaker B:And so he met my son, had never seen me like that.
Speaker B:And I was, I was so active in trigger and PTSD phase that like I would be able to work for a couple hours and then I would go come home, order him doordash, and go in my room and cry for four to five hours.
Speaker B:Like I just.
Speaker B:And that was so scary for him.
Speaker B:So he was scared.
Speaker B:Like, what's wrong with my mom?
Speaker B:Where is my dad?
Speaker B:He's in like puberty, like, you know, middle school, beginning of high school.
Speaker B:I just moved him from Texas to Maryland after.
Speaker B:And he's lived like.
Speaker B:My ex husband was military, so we've lived a lot of different places.
Speaker B:And he doesn't like change.
Speaker B:My.
Speaker B:My child is not somebody who likes me.
Speaker B:So there was just all this changes going on.
Speaker B:And then to make matters worse, my.
Speaker B:My ex husband, he's a narcissist.
Speaker B:Like diagnosed.
Speaker B:Not just like.
Speaker B:That's a, that's a hot button word.
Speaker B:No, he's like actually diagnosed narcissist and alcoholic.
Speaker B:And so he wanted to kind of split me and like, like split our family all the way apart, like turn my son against me.
Speaker B:So whenever he would call me and we would get an argument about support or bills or whatever, he would then text my son and be like, okay, I'm sorry.
Speaker B:I'm sorry if your mom's really irritated today.
Speaker B:She wants to fight about money or she wants to fight about that.
Speaker B:So it was just a lot for him.
Speaker B:And he didn't really have an outlet.
Speaker B:He didn't feel like he had an outlet because he didn't want to cause me more grief.
Speaker B:And it just, one day it just came to a head and he lost it.
Speaker A:So that is having grown up angry, I understand anger and, and I know rage as well.
Speaker A:I also know the remorse that goes with the actions that are caused by the anger and the rage.
Speaker A:And I can only imagine the remorse your son had to have felt shortly after, once he realized, you know, the severity of what he had done.
Speaker A:Is your relationship with him better?
Speaker B:Oh, my gosh, it's so wonderful.
Speaker B:It's so wonderful.
Speaker B:He.
Speaker B:He was arrested.
Speaker B:They were initially going to charge him as an adult with attempted murder and a slew of other things.
Speaker B:Thank.
Speaker B:Thankfully they didn't.
Speaker B:He went to baby jail for, I guess, like three months.
Speaker B:And then he got put into an inpatient treatment facility that he was there.
Speaker B:Unfortunately, he ended up going there like right as Covid was starting.
Speaker B:So it wasn't like your typical, like, like it wasn't ran the way it normally would have ran.
Speaker B:It was a lot scarier for him because I couldn't come visit.
Speaker B:And then he ended up going to a group home in Hagerstown and he was.
Speaker B:He was out of my home for a total of about two years.
Speaker B:In that time, he was in intense therapy, which he didn't always want to participate in.
Speaker B:Therapy is.
Speaker B:Is something that I believe you genuinely have to want to do in order for it to work.
Speaker B:And I was also in therapy.
Speaker B:I got into trauma therapy.
Speaker B:I started when I think I really got into the John Maxwell thing.
Speaker B:I started going to Tony Robbins events.
Speaker B:And eventually we were able to come together and actively say, okay, like, mom's really working on healing her heart.
Speaker B:Now you, child, are going to work on healing your heart.
Speaker B:And now together we're going to figure out, like, he had to get respect back for me and I had to not.
Speaker B:I had to stop being afraid of him.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:And thankfully he came home.
Speaker B:He graduated from high school.
Speaker B:He enrolled himself in college.
Speaker B:Like, he told me he wasn't going to go to college.
Speaker B:He came home one day and he was like, mom, I'm in college.
Speaker B:I started on this day and I was like, what?
Speaker B:He has a job?
Speaker B:He started.
Speaker B: He started lifting weights in: Speaker B:He started at like 230.
Speaker B:He's around 200 pounds now.
Speaker B:He's gotten as small as 187.
Speaker B:But his goal is to walk a stage in the next three years.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:But yeah, he, he and I, we have a really great relationship.
Speaker B:And when he came home.
Speaker B:So here's the funny thing.
Speaker B:When you are abused by your child versus when you're abused by your spouse or boyfriend or whatever.
Speaker B:When you're abused by your spouse or the state encourages you never to speak to them again, we'll put protection orders in places.
Speaker B:When you're abused by your child, you have to stand up in court as their mother, not the person that's hurt.
Speaker B:And you have to be willing to say, I want to keep my child.
Speaker B:I know what he.
Speaker B:And you can picture me, I have, like, this huge knot on my forehead.
Speaker B:You can see, like, he had strangled me with a purse strap.
Speaker B:And you could see, like, the outline of the purse job.
Speaker B:It bruises everywhere.
Speaker B:And I'm like, please, your honor, he just needs help.
Speaker B:And I'm sure I look like a crazy person.
Speaker B:But when they said finally, like, he was coming home, I didn't have a choice.
Speaker B:I didn't have a no, I'm not ready.
Speaker B:No, I still don't feel safe with him.
Speaker B:He didn't have anywhere to go.
Speaker B:His dad had all but checked out of his life.
Speaker B:So when he did come home, I had to, like, really go deep.
Speaker B:And, okay, you're in a house where nobody has hurt you.
Speaker B:This is a house that.
Speaker B:That you have created.
Speaker B:Like, you pay all the bills here.
Speaker B:You've decorated it the way you want it.
Speaker B:This is your safe space.
Speaker B:What are your boundaries, Sonia?
Speaker B:Because I'm not.
Speaker B:I wasn't used to having boundaries.
Speaker B:I didn't know what those.
Speaker B:Those were.
Speaker B:And so I had the conversation with him, and it was just that it's like, this is my home.
Speaker B:This is the first home I've ever lived in where nobody has hurt me physically.
Speaker B:No one has broken my heart.
Speaker B:No one has did anything bad to me.
Speaker B:And I'm not going to let you, who I love more than anything in the world or anybody else, change that.
Speaker B:So if you can't be respectful, responsible, and fun to be around, you can't live with me.
Speaker B:And it's not because I don't love you, because I do.
Speaker B:It's because my piece is.
Speaker B:My piece has to be first.
Speaker B:And he accepted that.
Speaker B:And then he told me kind of what his.
Speaker B:His boundaries are, because our kids have boundaries.
Speaker B:And, you know, I don't.
Speaker B:I don't want to say that you're as old as I am, but our parents were very different in that regards, where children were seen, not heard.
Speaker B:Children didn't have any.
Speaker B:Children didn't have any feelings.
Speaker B:It was our rules or, you know, the highway.
Speaker B:But our children, they're.
Speaker B:They're humans, and they have fears and they have boundaries, and they have, you know, things that make them happy and things that they're afraid of.
Speaker B:And so he finally felt, you know, safe enough and comfortable, comfortable enough to know that I wasn't going to take that as, you're a bad mom or, I don't like what you do, but Just like, you know, this is who I am.
Speaker B:And so he laid his cards on the table, too, and we were able to.
Speaker B:We had.
Speaker B:We did therapy for about six months after his release.
Speaker B:As part of his probation, he had to wear an ankle bracelet.
Speaker B:But now he is just.
Speaker B:He's so.
Speaker B:Just emotionally intelligent and so comfortable sharing his feelings and.
Speaker B:Yeah, we're just great.
Speaker B:That was a really long explanation and way to tell you that.
Speaker B:Yes, we're awesome.
Speaker A:No, that's great.
Speaker A:I love the detail.
Speaker A:A friend of mine once said, you know, we all hit rock bottom, but there's something even below rock bottom, and that's the abyss.
Speaker A:And when we're in the abyss is when we actually start to climb out.
Speaker A:We're at.
Speaker A:When we're at rock bottom, we still think that there's somebody going to come rescue us and save us.
Speaker A:When we're in the abyss, we know we have to be the one to take ownership and responsibility for where we are, and we are our way out.
Speaker A:When you found your piece, you.
Speaker A:I mean, it's a big jump to go from what you experienced with your shotgun trauma to Tony Robbins, John Maxwell, like, that bridge isn't usually the.
Speaker A:The lifeline.
Speaker A:So who or what helped point you in that direction to bring you out?
Speaker A:Because you found your peace, you found your joy again.
Speaker A:And from what I've seen of you, you are a very strong and dynamic woman who has taken her own power back.
Speaker A:Where did your lifeline come through all that?
Speaker B:So that's.
Speaker B:That's always a difficult question for me because I've always been in.
Speaker B:In fight or flight from the time I.
Speaker B:From being a baby.
Speaker B:Like, for a baby to withstand, you know, being boiled and being drowned in a bathtub and being punched in the face like.
Speaker B:And not die like that.
Speaker B:Like a grown person, like, take.
Speaker B:That takes a lot of fortitude, right?
Speaker B:But a baby.
Speaker B:So I've always kind of been in fight or flight, and I've always believed I was alone.
Speaker B:Like, I just believe that like everyone else, anyone real in my life had a great life.
Speaker B:Like, there.
Speaker B:They weren't.
Speaker B:They weren't struggling like me.
Speaker B:They weren't.
Speaker B:I was led to believe I was crazy for so many years because my parents didn't understand me.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:And there wasn't ptsd.
Speaker B:There wasn't the acceptance of needing to be healed.
Speaker B:So I was crazy.
Speaker B:And so it's always kind of been like.
Speaker B:Like, I had my back, right?
Speaker B:And I was.
Speaker B:And I'm.
Speaker B:I'm always.
Speaker B:It always came back to, okay, you're the One picking yourself off the ground.
Speaker B:There's.
Speaker B:There is no hero.
Speaker B:There's no knight in shining armor.
Speaker B:There is no, you know, magical fairy godmother.
Speaker B:That's.
Speaker B:It's me.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:It's me.
Speaker B:And I remember I'd actually reached out to my dad the day that I was attacked.
Speaker B:I just.
Speaker B:My parents and I don't have a good relationship.
Speaker B:Like, we don't actually really talk.
Speaker B:But at that time I was like, I just, I just want my dad.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:Like, I, I was, I was reverted back to like a 4 year old.
Speaker B:I just want my dad.
Speaker B:And after having a really heartbreaking conversation with him and sitting in my empty house where I didn't have a husband anymore, I didn't have a kid anymore, my house was about to go into foreclosure because my husband stopped paying the bills.
Speaker B:I had 100 commission job and I hadn't launched or whatever.
Speaker B:I was just like, I don't know what else to do.
Speaker B:I know leaving isn't an option.
Speaker B:It's like, you know, suicide's not an option for me.
Speaker B:I don't know if there is a God.
Speaker B:I don't know if there's a magical deity in the sky, but I. I need help.
Speaker B:I need, I can't do this anymore.
Speaker B:I can't do this by myself.
Speaker B:And it was kind of in that moment where I was like, okay, I need a therapist.
Speaker B:I need to go to therapy.
Speaker B:I put off going to therapy because I was so traumatized by therapy as, as a small child.
Speaker B:Just, I mean, I've done holding therapy, I've done rebirthing therapy.
Speaker B:I've gone to therapy and they've shoved pills down my throat.
Speaker B:I never wanted to do therapy, but I was just sitting in my empty house all alone, battered and bruised and just, just in the basement of rock bottom because there's rock, like, you're saying there's rock bottom and there's like a whole basic.
Speaker B:And everyone's like, can this get it any worse?
Speaker B:And I'm like, like, don't say that.
Speaker B:Yes, it can always get worse.
Speaker A:Yeah, we don't want to tempt it.
Speaker B:So I'm sitting at the bottom of rock basin.
Speaker B:I was just like, I can't do this alone by myself.
Speaker B:I can't do this by myself anymore.
Speaker B:I need help.
Speaker B:And so I got into therapy and the Tony Robbins and the John Maxwell thing, that happened because I had gone to actually a business seminar and Tony was the last speaker and he was only supposed to speak, I think for like 30, 45 minutes.
Speaker B:And if you know anything about Tony Robbins, he doesn't really.
Speaker B:Yeah, like, he, That's a. Hi, I'm Tony Robbins.
Speaker B:Four hours later, he's sharing this, you know, his incredible story.
Speaker B:And I'm looking in this auditorium of like, I don't know, 500 people.
Speaker B:And I'm seeing people who are in tears, people who are shaking their head, people are holding their heart, people who are hugging.
Speaker B:And I'm like, oh my God, I'm not alone.
Speaker B:I'm not alone in my struggle.
Speaker B:There are people here with that are driving Bentleys that have thousand dollar suits that, you know, are these big hotshots in the real estate world or in the business world.
Speaker B:And they're a flipping shit show.
Speaker B:Sorry.
Speaker A:Absolutely.
Speaker B:They're a shit show.
Speaker B:Their life is crumbling.
Speaker B:They, they are struggling.
Speaker B:And then I went to the John Max, John Maxwell, the ICM and or imc.
Speaker B:I always get them confused.
Speaker B:Same thing there.
Speaker B:There I was in a group of, you know, I don't know, I think there was like five, 10,000 people there.
Speaker A:Yeah, probably.
Speaker B:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:And I'm just hearing people to share their stories and share their vulnerabilities, and I'm like, wow, like, we're all struggling.
Speaker B:Like everybody's struggling.
Speaker B:And then I go to Tony, my first Tony Robbins event, and had 12,000 people, and they're sitting there, just.
Speaker B:There was just so much pain.
Speaker B:Everywhere I looked, everyone, like, everyone is in some kind of pain.
Speaker B:So here I was, you know, on.
Speaker B:I'll never Forget, it was July 13th.
Speaker B:I'm sorry, June 13th.
Speaker B:And I'm sitting in my, you know, my house thinking, I'm all alone.
Speaker B:Flash forward, you know, to August when I met John Maxwell, and November when I met Tony Robbins.
Speaker B:And I'm sitting in hundreds of thousands of people who are feeling exactly what I'm feeling.
Speaker B:And so that's how I knew I was on the right path, like the path to healing.
Speaker A:And that's one of the reasons, like I told you earlier, that I, that I do this podcast because everyone has a story and it's easy for the world to see when we're successful or when we've made it, but they don't know what it took for us to survive it, to get there.
Speaker A:And, and, you know, if, if a, if an outsider was to look at, you know, Sonia today, vibrant, dynamic, confident, you know, all those things that you've become, they would never know the shotgun of trauma that started as a baby and carried through your life.
Speaker A:So it's easy for them to say, oh, well, it's easy for Sonia.
Speaker A:She's got it made, right?
Speaker B:No, it's not.
Speaker B:It's the hardest for me every day, right?
Speaker A:Until they hear Sonia open her mouth and go, oh, my Go.
Speaker A:She is amazing because look at what she survived.
Speaker A:And that's.
Speaker A:That's why I do this, so that people like you can share that, so that others don't have to go to a Tony Robbins to find out that they're not alone.
Speaker A:We all have something that we're overcoming.
Speaker A:And how long has it been now since you transitioned from where you were to the dynamic person you are today?
Speaker A:How long did that process take you?
Speaker B:So, I mean, everything was leading up till age 38.
Speaker B:And then I got.
Speaker B:I got into therapy.
Speaker B:I got.
Speaker B:And I got into being real with me.
Speaker B:Because you can start therapy and totally BS your way through it.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:But no, I got into real therapy when I was 38.
Speaker B:And I'm 42.
Speaker B:So what?
Speaker B:Five years?
Speaker A:Okay, four years.
Speaker B:Four years.
Speaker B:Thank you.
Speaker B:And that is something that I think is so important when it comes to sharing your story, is everyone loves to look at the little caterpillar, the little furry caterpillar that's so cute.
Speaker B:And it's just wandering around life.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:And then we love to look at the beautiful butterfly, you know?
Speaker B:You know that it turns into.
Speaker B:Because it's so pretty.
Speaker B:But no one talks about the cocoon part.
Speaker B:There's a part between caterpillar and butterfly.
Speaker B:It's called the cocoon part, the metamorphosis.
Speaker B:And that cute little caterpillar has to literally liquefy.
Speaker B:Like, it has to fall apart.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And before it can re.
Speaker B:Emerge into this beautiful butterfly.
Speaker B:And the falling apart part is the worst part.
Speaker B:It is the hardest part.
Speaker B:It is the most.
Speaker B:It hurt more to heal from my trauma wounds than it did to be traumatized.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And I'm still here.
Speaker B:That's another thing.
Speaker B:Like, I'm still healing.
Speaker B:It's not like you just, okay, I'm going to go to therapy for a year, and I'm fixed right now.
Speaker A:I tell that story about the cocoon and the butterfly all the time.
Speaker A:But I always mention that trauma part because everyone wants to see the beauty, but they don't want to see the effort that took into it.
Speaker A:Like, you're literally transforming into another entity in that darkness and in that cocoon.
Speaker A:And if you don't sit with it and if you don't grow from it, you don't get to be the butterfly.
Speaker B:Right, Right.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:And it's so important.
Speaker B:Like, people, they.
Speaker B:Nowadays they don't want to feel bad.
Speaker B:I love feeling bad.
Speaker B:And that sounds crazy.
Speaker B:Why would you love feeling bad?
Speaker B:Because those feelings are so valid and those feelings come up.
Speaker B:Something inside you is protecting you.
Speaker B:And I think that is the most beautiful part of our brain and our feelings is that we feel things.
Speaker B:We feel the negative things because that's our body telling us, this isn't right for you, this isn't safe for you, this is not good for you.
Speaker B:But so often in life, everyone just wants to hop to, oh, it's fine, you'll be okay.
Speaker B:Just get over it.
Speaker B:It's a sunny day.
Speaker B:I call that toxic positivity.
Speaker B:No, still with those emotions, feel them, work them.
Speaker B:I had to look at myself because as I sit here and tell my story, I know people are going to listen to me, like, oh my gosh.
Speaker B:Oh, I feel so bad for her.
Speaker B:I was a jerk for a long time, guys.
Speaker B:Like, I was not fun to be around.
Speaker B:I was super talks.
Speaker B:I was super into toxic positivity and I had to own that part.
Speaker B:I had to own the ugly parts of myself.
Speaker B:I had to look myself in the mirror and be like, you were a real asshole to this person or you were really mean to that person.
Speaker B:And then I had to kind of make amends with it.
Speaker B:I had to, you know, like, some people I reached out to and try to, like, start that conversation.
Speaker B:Some people, like, I didn't want to re traumatize them by like, popping up in their life again.
Speaker B:So I just made, you know, the vow to be better going forward.
Speaker B:Because when you know better and you learn to do better, you will do better.
Speaker B:But yeah, like, it's so important.
Speaker B:Like, you have to.
Speaker B:Healing isn't about figuring out what everyone did wrong to you, because as I told you, there's a lot of people that did a lot of wrong things to me, right?
Speaker B:And I have no control over them.
Speaker B:There's only one person in this whole story I have control over, and that's myself, right?
Speaker B:And so when you do the hard work, when you face your demons, when you face the yucky part of yourself, and then you, you forgive yourself.
Speaker B:Like, I didn't forgive myself because I blamed myself a lot for a lot of stuff that I had no business taking the blame for.
Speaker B:But when, then you have to, like, forgive yourself.
Speaker B:And then you kind of have to have a funeral for that old person.
Speaker B:And then you have to have a funeral for the person you thought you were, because the person you were and the person you thought you were, believe it or not are probably two different, two very different people, right?
Speaker B:And then you have to learn, okay, not only do you have to learn, but you have to accept like, like now that I'm moving forward, who am I?
Speaker B:Who is this new person?
Speaker B:What do they look like?
Speaker B:And that's scarier than anything.
Speaker B:Because what I've learned in dealing, in doing trauma therapy is a situation will come up with somebody and my body will want to automatically revert to an old coping mechanism.
Speaker B:But then my brain says, wait, we don't do that anymore.
Speaker B:And now I'm like, well, what emotion do I put there?
Speaker B:What's the right response?
Speaker B:You know?
Speaker B:And then you have to like.
Speaker B:So you have to learn who you are all over again.
Speaker B:And one thing I've, I've noticed with trauma survivors, and myself too, is we always say, well, I want to go back.
Speaker B:I wish I could go back to who I was.
Speaker B:The hardest part of my healing was most trauma survivors, their trauma happens and they like already have an established personality and then the big bang happens and they want to go back to this person, but they can't because this happened and changed them.
Speaker B:And now who's this new person?
Speaker B:I never got to know who I should have, could have, would have been, right?
Speaker B:So I always had this like imaginary belief that I would have been somebody different.
Speaker B:And I had to kind of just realize like, no, that that's not, I don't get, I don't get to go back there.
Speaker B:There was a no go back for me because I've always been in some sort of trauma.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:But I think, yeah, I think it's just so, so important that yes, there is a backstory to me and yes, right now I'm super winning in my life and I'm so incredibly grateful every single day for it.
Speaker B:But there was a huge part of my life that was liquefying, falling apart, and, and that's where the success came from.
Speaker B:You know, it was working hard.
Speaker B:Not, you know, yes, there you have to work hard on your business.
Speaker B:And as you know, with a real, with real, real estate, we're grinding every day.
Speaker B:We're, we're lead generating every day.
Speaker B:We're doing follow up.
Speaker B:I had to do all that with myself.
Speaker B:So I was like doing all the real estating and all the healing.
Speaker B:I was tired, tired at the end of the day, but it's so, it's so worth it.
Speaker B:So, yes, I thank you for letting me kind of harp on the cocoon part because so many people don't.
Speaker A:Well, and the other thing is that, you know, like you mentioned.
Speaker A:And I see this with my wife because she had trauma, not as severe, but similar to yours.
Speaker A:And she always says, you know, I used to hurt before they could hurt me.
Speaker A:Like, it's a defense mechanism for someone in the trauma to be nasty and.
Speaker A:And mean and out, you know, reaching, because you're trying to protect you, even though inside you're soft and caring and loving.
Speaker A:And so it's a conflict within.
Speaker A:You don't want to be that type of person, but it's the only protective mechanism, you know.
Speaker A:And then the butterfly never goes back and says, oh, I want to be the caterpillar again.
Speaker A:So I tell her all the time, you get the opportunity to decide who the new you is.
Speaker A:You get to decide not what could have been, not what might have been, what the picture in your head is running, but who do you want it to be?
Speaker A:Now, given the new you, given the softer, gentler you, who doesn't have to be an.
Speaker A:To everybody, right?
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Well, there was a.
Speaker B:In one of the programs that I went to talks about, like, there's four.
Speaker B:There's four members of the board that sit in our head.
Speaker B:There's the warrior, there's the joker, there's the wizard, and there is the God or goddess, depending on what your gender is.
Speaker B:And for so long, my warrior was, like, leading the pack.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:And that's probably very true for your wife.
Speaker B:Her warrior was leading.
Speaker B:Is leading the pack.
Speaker B:But, like, she has a magician that, you know, is so magical and.
Speaker B:And, you know, makes, you know, the bad look good.
Speaker B:And then she has the joker who, you know, makes everything fun and distracts.
Speaker B:And then she has this sovereign, this goddess that is just like her deepest, you know, highest level of femininity and being just okay with the world, right?
Speaker B:And so once I learned about the little board that sits in my head, I could, like, look at my warrior and be like, all right, girlfriend, take.
Speaker B:Take a knee.
Speaker B:You're not needed right now.
Speaker B:You will be.
Speaker B:You will be someday.
Speaker B:Like, get your rest, because there's more battles that I'm going to need you for.
Speaker B:But right now, I need to lean into my magician.
Speaker B:Or I needed to lean into my gesture.
Speaker B:I need to lean into my.
Speaker B:My goddess.
Speaker B:And that's thing for people with trauma to do.
Speaker B:It's because we don't.
Speaker B:All we know is fight or all we know is fear.
Speaker B:All we know is hiding or fawning.
Speaker B:And it's a hard lesson to learn, and it's so worth it.
Speaker B:But for me, because I'm so visual when I was able to see that and I was like, oh, wow.
Speaker B:No, that's true.
Speaker B:Because even though my warrior has always, is always there in the background, like when my magician comes out, like people are dazzled and when my joker comes out, we're having a good time.
Speaker B:Time.
Speaker B:And yeah, I just, I, I totally resonate with her, her needing to fight all the time.
Speaker B:Just, just tell her to let, let her, let her warrior lay down.
Speaker B:Warriors need rest too.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:And warriors also need to know that they're not having to be on the battlefield alone because like you who thought you were alone, you look around and you're like, oh crap, there's a ton of warriors out here.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker A:We can lean on each other and lean into each other.
Speaker A:Which is another reason why I appreciate you doing this, this interview today.
Speaker A:If you were to give a piece of wisdom to someone who's trying to get off their own battlefield or move through their issues, what would you tell them?
Speaker A:What would be your imparting piece of advice?
Speaker B:Oh, man.
Speaker B:I would say be patient with yourself.
Speaker B:Be patient.
Speaker B:You, you've, you've come this far, you've come so far with, without any help or without any support that you are cognizant, cognitive, cognizant of.
Speaker B:So just be patient.
Speaker B:Be patient.
Speaker B:You know, the last thing to grow on the fruit tree is the fruit and so it's going to take a long time and it's going, you're going to struggle and you, like, you've been victorious so far.
Speaker B:Why would you not be victorious in this healing rebirthing of yourself?
Speaker B:I would also, I would also like to remind people that our brains are 100,000 year old computers that have never had an update.
Speaker B:They do what we tell them to do.
Speaker B:So if we tell our brain, it's going to be a bad day.
Speaker B:If we tell our brain I can't do this.
Speaker B:If we tell our brain this is awful.
Speaker B:Or if we tell our brain that, you know, we're amazing and we're wonderful and we're doing the best we can today, our brain's gonna believe us.
Speaker B:So when your friend comes to you, even if, even if you're in, in for me, when I'm, even when I'm in my, my trauma and my, my trauma space of a friend comes to me with a problem or someone's mean to them, what's the first thing I'm gonna say?
Speaker B:Oh my gosh, you are, you are awesome.
Speaker B:This is their problem.
Speaker B:You, you know, you were wonderful.
Speaker B:Look at what you brought.
Speaker B:Let Me, let's point out all the positives, right?
Speaker B:I'll do that for my friend.
Speaker B:I need to do that for myself.
Speaker B:So a little trick I do every morning when I get up, I get up, go, go potty, wash my hands, start to brush my teeth, and then I write on my mirror a positive, like, you're beautiful, you're enough.
Speaker B:You're doing a great job.
Speaker B:And so that way, when I look in the mirror, because we spend a lot of time looking in the mirror, I'm seeing that those positive words that sometimes aren't always readily available for me, I wrote them to myself.
Speaker B:I'm not outsourcing my value.
Speaker B:I'm not outsourcing my need to feel good about myself.
Speaker B:I wrote those words, and I can go to the mirror and look at it.
Speaker B:And instead of picking apart that I have a red spot on my nose or I'm two pounds overweight or whatever, I'm seeing all these amazing affirmations.
Speaker B:So I would encourage people that are on their, their healing journey just to find ways to show up for yourself that way.
Speaker B:And you're not alone.
Speaker B:It's okay to.
Speaker B:It's okay to go to therapy.
Speaker B:Being in therapy doesn't make you weak.
Speaker B:If you're a man crying or going to your significant other or, you know, going to your guy friends and saying, you know, I'm struggling, I'm.
Speaker B:I'm not okay crying, that doesn't make you less of a man.
Speaker B:It actually makes you more of one for me.
Speaker B:And in my opinion, a man who is, is emotionally intelligent and able to verbalize what he's feeling.
Speaker B:Because women, we think and like, we're feelers, right?
Speaker B:And so when you tell me, I'm struggling today, Sonia, as a man, I'm going to show up and be like, like, how can I help?
Speaker B:What are you, you know.
Speaker B:Well, first of all, are we venting?
Speaker B:Are we problem solving?
Speaker B:That's probably the first question I'm going to ask.
Speaker B:Because sometimes men need to vent, right?
Speaker B:Just like women need to vent.
Speaker B:And men are great problem solvers.
Speaker B:So a lot of times they just want to solve the problem.
Speaker B:So, but.
Speaker B:But it's okay to say I need help, whether it's from a therapist, your significant other, your dog, your cat, like, reach out, reach out.
Speaker B:Because there's one thing that is ingrained in almost every single human walking on this planet, and that is they want to help.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker B:So that's what I would say.
Speaker A:And also, I think you made a very important part.
Speaker A:The healing process is not a destination it is a continuous journey.
Speaker A:And you know, I've seen this in my coaching experience.
Speaker A:The further down the healing my clients get, the more they're awakened to, like, like, oh my God, it's like an everyday thing.
Speaker A:Yeah, Healing is an everyday thing because that's transformation, which is an everyday process.
Speaker A:But you, you said something that, that you know about how you speak to yourself.
Speaker A:And I always tell my wife, if you spoke to others like you speak to yourself, you wouldn't have any friends.
Speaker B:Correct.
Speaker A:You have to, you have to be as gentle and kind with yourself as you are with all those others.
Speaker A:And my, my wife has been ill for the last eight years, and part of her healing, we, we bought at Thanksgiving a year and a half ago a basil plant because she likes fresh basil.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker A:And, and I told her, because she's like a tree hugger, she'll just.
Speaker A:Any living entity, she wants to hug it.
Speaker A:I don't care what it is.
Speaker A:But I told her, you care for that plant, but I want you to name it Elsa.
Speaker A:So every time you're saying those affirmations and the beautiful things to it, you're saying your name because your brain doesn't know you're talking to a plant.
Speaker A:Your brain thinks you're talking to you.
Speaker A:So in a year and a half, a store bought basil plant that should have died after Thanksgiving is still growing plants and still thriving.
Speaker A:But her body has healed tremendously in that year and a half because of the kindness that she's showing it using her name.
Speaker B:Oh, I love that.
Speaker B:And it's, it's powerful, the things that we say.
Speaker B:I, I used to tell people, you can't hurt me because I've said way worse to myself.
Speaker B:I do on a regular basis.
Speaker B:Like, you can't hurt me that, that you called me a.
Speaker B:You think that I call myself way worse freaking before 8 o' clock in the morning, bro.
Speaker B:Like, you know what I mean?
Speaker B:And it was true.
Speaker B:But you would never talk to your loved one that way.
Speaker B:You would never talk to your friends that way.
Speaker B:And we can't give love, kindness and support.
Speaker B:We can't give anything if we don't have it.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:And so we aren't being loving and kind and sweet to ourselves.
Speaker B:We might be masking that we can give it, but it's not, it's not true.
Speaker B:It's not a true gift.
Speaker B:It's not true love.
Speaker B:It's not true support.
Speaker B:It's.
Speaker B:It's that the, the support and love that you give when you want something back.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:A lot of People are out there, out here being healers or saying they're healers or saying they're being supportive because they want the accolades and the affirmations and the reciprocity that generally comes with it.
Speaker B:When someone is truly healing and they have found someone that helps them along their way, the natural response, the natural human response is to show gratitude, dude.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:My point is if you don't have it, you can't give it.
Speaker B:And if you're getting it from someone who isn't true or isn't coming from a place of authenticity and really wanting to heal, then, or wanting to give healing messages and comfort and support, that could actually also be really detrimental to your healing because they're always going to be expecting something more from you, which will feed into that cycle.
Speaker B:So just be, be good to yourself.
Speaker B:Start saying good things to yourself.
Speaker B:Start.
Speaker B:Start loving yourself.
Speaker A:It all starts with that gratitude and gratitude for self and forgiveness of yourself is one of the hardest parts of that healing journey, but it's a vital part.
Speaker A:As we wrap this up, you truly embody a warrior spirit.
Speaker A:And so what does a warrior spirit mean to Sonia?
Speaker B:Oh, man.
Speaker B:A warrior spirit is just a spirit of, spirit of giving, a spirit of living a true, authentic life and a spirit of, of joy.
Speaker B:We're all fighting a battle.
Speaker B:And, and my battle might not look like your battle, but I promise you, when you're standing in the midst of it, it feels as big as my battle feels, regardless of how big or small it really is.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So I think being able to show up for other people after you've shown up for yourself and, and tell your story and, and, or, I don't know, maybe not even tell your story to the world.
Speaker B:I mean, I choose to tell my story to the world because for so long I lived in so much shame about my story.
Speaker B:I was ashamed of being adopted.
Speaker B:I was ashamed of being abused.
Speaker B:I was shaved to being ashamed of being Hispanic.
Speaker B:I was ashamed of being a single mom.
Speaker B:I was ashamed of all these things.
Speaker B:And I didn't want anyone to know the truth.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And one of the things that was kind of toxic at the time, but actually has helped me coming out is my mom used to say, your secrets keep you sick.
Speaker B:Now she meant that my secrets kept me sick.
Speaker B:Her secrets didn't keep her.
Speaker B:Her secrets didn't keep her sick, but our secrets in general will keep us sick.
Speaker B:And so what to me, what that meant was the quieter I am about my struggles, the less I'm going to be able to help myself.
Speaker B:And the less I'm going to be able to help other people.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And I don't ever want anyone to feel the way I felt for 38 years.
Speaker B:It's a long time to feel terrible.
Speaker B:So I will.
Speaker B:I will tell my story.
Speaker B:I don't know what it looks like for you to tell your story, whether it's, you know, writing it in a journal, whether it's sharing it with your child, whether it's sharing it in some sort of support group, or whether it's screaming it from the rooftops.
Speaker B:But I think that when you're able to show up to up for others after you've shown up for yourself, you can help save.
Speaker B:You can help save a life to begin with.
Speaker B:Like, I mean, that's how powerful sharing your story is.
Speaker B:You can.
Speaker B:You know, I've had people when I've told the story of my brother's suicide, and then, you know, kind of given our backstory, you know, they've reached out to me and been like, thank you for sharing your story.
Speaker B:I was thinking about killing myself tonight, but I'm not going to, and I'm going to keep going.
Speaker B:And that's an amazing.
Speaker B:That's just an amazing feeling, right?
Speaker B:So, yes, you can save lives telling your story, but most importantly, you can save your own life.
Speaker B:You can save your own life because getting it out of here, getting it out of here and projecting it, whether you're projecting in a journal, whether you're typing it online, whether you're talking on a podcast, or whether you're talking one on one to someone, you're getting it out.
Speaker B:And once you get it out, you're able to sort it through so much better.
Speaker B:So I just think being a warrior is showing up for yourself first and then for other people after.
Speaker A:I love that.
Speaker A:Well, I appreciate you being in my tribe and I appreciate the warrior goddess that you are.
Speaker A:Thank you for your time today and many blessings to you from heart to heart.
Speaker B:Thank you so much.
Speaker B:Thank you for having.
