Sex is NOT a four-letter word
This episode is a refreshing reminder that healing doesn’t come in one-size-fits-all packages. As we chat with Choiwee Moon, who is a passionate intimacy coach and somatic therapist, we peel back the layers of what it means to truly connect with ourselves and others in the realm of sexuality.
Choiwee’s journey is nothing short of inspiring; she shares how her traumatic childhood experiences led her to embrace a life dedicated to helping others navigate their own paths to healing. We tackle the stigmas surrounding sex, discussing how these taboos still impact our relationships today. Choiwee emphasizes the need for open dialogue and education—because let’s face it, many of us were taught just enough about sex to get by, but not nearly enough to thrive.
Throughout our conversation, we also touch on the societal pressures that shape our views on masculinity and femininity, and how these often create barriers to authentic intimacy. Choiwee’s insights illuminate how critical it is to find safe spaces to explore our desires and communicate our needs. So, if you’ve ever felt like your sexual journey has been fraught with confusion or disconnect, this episode is a must-listen. Trust me, it’s time to put down the shame and start celebrating our bodies and our stories!
Takeaways:
- Navigating the complex world of sexual trauma requires understanding and professional support, especially if past experiences affect current relationships.
- Healing from trauma is a lifelong journey, meaning you gotta embrace the ups and downs instead of chasing that elusive 'perfect' state of being.
- Conversations about sex are still taboo in many cultures, which means we have to be brave and create safe spaces to discuss intimacy openly.
- It's important to know your own body and desires before expecting your partner to read your mind about what pleases you. Self-discovery is key!
- The idea of gender roles in relationships is evolving, and flexibility in expressing both masculine and feminine traits can lead to healthier dynamics.
- Creating emotional safety in relationships allows both partners to thrive, so make space to express vulnerability without fear of judgment.
You can connect with Choiwee on her websites at:
https://www.mamachowholistichealing.com/
https://www.the-holisticsexologist.com/
Or on her social media channels:
YT: https://www.youtube.com/@WisdomofWomanhood
Instagram: @mamachowceo
FB: https://www.facebook.com/mamachowholistichealing
Transcript
Hey.
Speaker A:Welcome back to another episode of A Warrior Spirit, the show where the inner warrior shines in their light.
Speaker A:Presented by Praxis33, the company that aligns your thoughts, goals and actions to create your best life.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Darrell Snow and today we're going to be talking with a subject that some people treat as a four letter word.
Speaker A:Sex.
Speaker A:Joining me today is a semonic therapist, relationship and intimacy coach, public speaker, a wedding celebrant and and a podcast host.
Speaker A:And hailing from New Zealand is Xiaowei Moon Shawei.
Speaker A:Thank you for joining me.
Speaker B:My absolute pleasure.
Speaker B:It's always so interesting when you're introduced because I feel like every time I'm introduced to something, I'm a different version of me and I have different relationships to the different things that I do.
Speaker B:I'm like, oh, yeah, that feels really true.
Speaker B:Oh, I don't feel super connected to that part of me right now.
Speaker B:So I love it.
Speaker B:It's always like a reflection tool for me.
Speaker A:Yeah, you're very, very diverse and you've really stepped into really energetic healing and energetic helping others.
Speaker A:Where did you get your start?
Speaker A:I know you're in New Zealand now.
Speaker A:Were you born and raised in New Zealand?
Speaker B:Yeah, I was.
Speaker B:So my mom is Mori, so our bloodline is native to New Zealand.
Speaker B:And then my dad is French.
Speaker B:He moved here when he was a kid and spent time kind of traveling around different places before they landed in New Zealand.
Speaker B:So was born here, spent most of my life here.
Speaker B:I have spent some time over in France as well with our family over there.
Speaker B:Like I lived there for about seven months when I was a kid and have been over five times.
Speaker B:So that's my second home, definitely over in Europe.
Speaker B:And yet I've moved all around New Zealand.
Speaker B:So I say all around.
Speaker B:And probably for most people listening, they think New Zealand is like this.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Which it is.
Speaker B:But I've lived all around it.
Speaker A:Yeah, I think you can run from end to end if you're really on an energetic day.
Speaker B:People do, they do charity events.
Speaker B:Yeah, well, they'll run around all of New Zealand.
Speaker A:Was your childhood, you know, happy on the island?
Speaker A:Was it?
Speaker A:You know, what was your childhood like?
Speaker B:It's only been in the last few years through somatic therapy tools, which is what I'm really passionate about in my work.
Speaker B:I have actually been able to access quite a lot of my memories.
Speaker B:So from the age of 10, I have most of my memories under the age of 10, very, very little.
Speaker B:And my understanding now is that there were, there were some Major events that occurred and there were, there was a lot of survival response and autopilot going on for me when I was younger.
Speaker B:So, yeah, I was exposed to some violence when I was really, really young.
Speaker B:So my parents actually only stayed together for about nine months after I was born and then separated and then my mother, my biological mother moved, so she moved over to the uk and so I had a very deep abandonment wound that carried on for a lot of my life and, you know, to be completely honest, is still present.
Speaker B:However, it definitely doesn't have a hold on my life.
Speaker B:It doesn't keep me captive like it did for a really long time.
Speaker B:So, yeah, just a lot of my early experiences are a bit wobbly.
Speaker B:My biological mother did come back to New Zealand and was in my life, in and out.
Speaker B:And during that time that I did get access to seeing her, yeah, was exposed to a lot of family violence, domestic violence, and yeah, quite harmful things that I don't wish upon any young child.
Speaker B:So when I look back, it feels kind of numb, feels like I'm a bit disconnected.
Speaker B:I can grasp onto some really beautiful memories and also I know that there's some there that aren't good and don't feel good and definitely left some scars that rippled out into my teenage years and then my twenties as well.
Speaker A:As someone who's also had a traumatic, violent past, we block out a lot of our life and then when we reawaken, we, at least in my case, we were like, damn, I really missed out on a lot of life because I don't even remember it.
Speaker A:Like I lived a lot of places, but I've never actually lived in all those places.
Speaker A:My physical body's been there, but I've never actually lived.
Speaker A:And that has also played out in, you know, the anger issues that I had when I was raising my step kids and you know, how that those relationships played out.
Speaker A:How does a young woman navigate all that?
Speaker A:And I know that you're also a mother, so how do you navigate that to not perpetuate that with your children?
Speaker B:I, to this day, if somebody asks me what I am most proud of in my life, it is precisely what you've just described was actually stopping cycles of abuse in my family.
Speaker B:You know, being the first in a generation line of abuse and abuse and abuse and of stopping a whole heritage line of addiction and many, many issues.
Speaker B:And I don't glorify it.
Speaker B:It hasn't been easy.
Speaker B:You know, it was many years of therapy.
Speaker B:You know, I don't work in the space of traditional therapy.
Speaker B:However, I still do advocate for there being a time and a place for it.
Speaker B:You know, my counselor, when I was diagnosed with postnatal depression after my second of three babies, we then dug further and it was like, okay, so postnatal depression, post traumatic stress disorder, high functioning anxiety and a decade of depression.
Speaker B:And the support that I got through her was I honestly think it saved my life.
Speaker B:So it's been about 10 years of accumulating tools, accumulating tools, different styles of somatic therapy, and now being at a point where pretty much I weave wellness recalibration and regulation tools just into my life.
Speaker B:Because the reality is, you know, like you said, I am a mum of three and a single mom of three, so I'm not with the dad.
Speaker B:And it's, there's a lot of stress, there's a lot of stress just in there and managing where we are and what we're doing and emotional regulation and, and then I work and I have businesses and, and so it's daily management now.
Speaker B:Whereas in the past that healing was massive things, it was retreats, it was one on one work with therapists and shamanic, shamanically trained practition, energy work.
Speaker B:And there's been so many things and sometimes it's been daily meditation, daily gratitude, daily breath work.
Speaker B:Sometimes it has been.
Speaker B:Now I do have daily practices and you know what I might spend the rest of my life doing daily practices to regulate my nervous system because of what my life has been.
Speaker B:And that's okay, you know, I'm okay with that.
Speaker B:I'm not going to sit there and be like, I wish I could just always feel good.
Speaker B:I think, you know, that's that chasing that, that love and light version, that psycho.
Speaker B:I'll be happy when I'm fully healed as opposed to, you know what, I'm doing pretty well.
Speaker B:My kids are happy and loved and cared for and they definitely didn't have the childhood I had.
Speaker B:And so we celebrate that.
Speaker A:Well, the, the reality of healing is that it is a journey, not a destination.
Speaker A:You are never fully 100% healed.
Speaker A:And I don't care how healthy you think there are, you are, there's something else that can be worked on, elevating your life and continuing to grow.
Speaker A:So it is important to quit chasing a desk, you know, a destination, and enjoy the journey and the pathway that you are and celebrate.
Speaker A:Because if I used to do professional photography and it'd be amazing, like you'd be walking down this path of tree lined, you know, just as past tree lined and you'd See it from one angle.
Speaker A:And then if you just turned around, looked behind you, it was an entirely different picture and entirely different photograph.
Speaker A:So in our healing journey, if you just turn around and look, it's amazing how far you've come and how much you've changed.
Speaker A:And having known you for as long as I have, physically and spiritually and emotionally, externally, I can see those changes that you've come.
Speaker A:Now what's interesting about your course of action is that people who come from the abuse and the trauma that you've come from don't typically step into being a wedding celebrant because typically you're not happy about wedding.
Speaker A:And secondly, you don't step into being an intimacy coach where you deal with sex on a daily basis.
Speaker A:So how did you step into something that really for others could have been traumatic?
Speaker B:So it all started when I started doing my Reiki attunements.
Speaker B:So it would have been.
Speaker B:How long ago is that?
Speaker B:Maybe six years ago.
Speaker B:I came across Reiki as a form of healing and I started receiving Reiki treatments and was blown away by how I physically felt emotionally, spiritually, mentally.
Speaker B:And at that point hadn't really experienced many things like that, then decided to train in it.
Speaker B:And the more that I did that and the more that I learned about myself through that and then working with other people, honestly, I don't think it was a choice.
Speaker B:I don't think it was a choice.
Speaker B:I think it was me listening to where I was being guided by spirit, by God, you know, by goddess.
Speaker B:And I remember starting to unpack my own journey and really working with shame, like really sitting with shame and how it holds us so tightly.
Speaker B:And you know, when we look at those early years, because my background is actually in education and I still work in education now, and when we look at those early years in the foundation of relationships, so much of what is at the core is our relationships to ourself, to our faith, to others.
Speaker B:And what sits the most in the place of shame is often sex and intimacy.
Speaker B:And when you speak to people, often you'll come across an inability to be vulnerable, to connect, to be able to go into really intimate places.
Speaker B:And I wanted to have work that went like right to the core.
Speaker B:You know, a lot of it is sitting up here and like mindset work is amazing and personal development work and you know, reading the books to break through self limiting beliefs and rewriting and doing affirmations and all of that is incredible and powerful.
Speaker B:However, for, you know, even if you look at coaches and people that work in the wellness space.
Speaker B:A lot of people will still avoid sex and a lot of people will still avoid those places because there is such deep collective shame and pain that sits there.
Speaker B:And so for me, I'm like, let's go there.
Speaker B:Like, let's go to the place where there's the most amount of suppression.
Speaker B:And particularly for us as women, there's so much collective suppression.
Speaker B:You know, there are still places in the world now where if we are not even just sexually expressive, but expressive in any way as a woman, then we're murdered for it.
Speaker B:And we have heritage lines of women who were murdered for it.
Speaker B:And we all remember lifetimes.
Speaker B:We were murdered for it, for being in our sensuality, in our bodies.
Speaker B:And so it felt like a really good way to be able to reach a level of healing that most people don't want to touch.
Speaker A: x, it's amazing to me that in: Speaker A:And especially here in America, the Western culture is so like, sex is prominent in our TV commercials, inadvertently or not overtly.
Speaker A:It's prominent in our advertising advertly, it's prominent in our messaging for everything else overtly.
Speaker A:But if you openly speak of it and you openly look like you're in New Zealand and I've been to other parts of Europe, nudity and sexuality is not a big deal.
Speaker A:And so therefore it's not taboo and people are more in touch with their sexuality.
Speaker A:You come here to America and people are so worried about even saying, like, we don't say this egregiously in our house, but people won't even say the word fucking.
Speaker A:Like swearing and sex are so taboo.
Speaker A:And it's interesting in what you do, do you find that the men are as unconnected with it as the women?
Speaker A:Or is it typically one or the other?
Speaker B:So I'll give you some perspective on New Zealand, right?
Speaker B:And I actually wish I'd done some stats, what's happening over there.
Speaker B:So last year I spent the whole year working with our year nine and year students here in New Zealand in my area.
Speaker B:So they would be between 13 and 15, 13 to 15 years old, doing consent education and essentially sexual harm prevention.
Speaker B:And so when we were going into the classrooms, you know, we were giving them statistics and, and this is why it's so important for us to be having these conversations in New Zealand.
Speaker B:1 in 4, and this is only reported now, only 1 in 10 cases is reported.
Speaker B:1 in 4 females have experienced sexual harm, and that is under the age of 15 as well.
Speaker B:And one in 10 males, now, I can guarantee that's a whole lot higher because again, that's only reported.
Speaker B:And the shame that particularly men experience in actually reporting their sexual harm is the biggest barrier.
Speaker B:And so when I look at my clients, because I do specialize in sexual trauma awareness and working with people to heal through those experiences, I have, percentage wise, just as many males that have experienced sexual harm as females.
Speaker B:And so what that begins to tell us is that first of all, that untreated and unacknowledged trauma that so many people are sitting with, you know, when, when we look at statistics, it's either you or someone that you know who has experienced some kind of sexual harm.
Speaker B:And so then we start to see why people are so afraid to talk about it.
Speaker B:Same thing here in New Zealand.
Speaker B:We have a suicide epidemic.
Speaker B:We have the worst youth suicide rates globally in the oecd.
Speaker B:And one of the reasons, and I know this from working with young people, that we still have these rates is because people are so afraid to talk about it.
Speaker A:Wait a minute, you said globally.
Speaker A:Wait a minute.
Speaker A:And the OECD is globally the worst.
Speaker A:Really, the worst.
Speaker B:Okay?
Speaker B:Youth and males, okay, we literally are in an epidemic when it comes to our youth suicides.
Speaker B:It is absolutely horrific.
Speaker B:Horrific.
Speaker B:And so the not talking about it, the not addressing it, is leading to that shame sitting in there.
Speaker B:Then it's exactly the same with sex.
Speaker B:You know, just because we don't talk about it doesn't mean it's not happening.
Speaker B:Just because we don't talk about it doesn't mean that people haven't experienced harm.
Speaker B:Just because we're not talking about it doesn't mean that people aren't experiencing insecurities in their bodies and their love lives, lives in their intimacy.
Speaker B:We now have.
Speaker B:We are also in the testosterone crisis.
Speaker B:We are in like absolute medical crisis when it comes to sexual malfunction and dysfunction within the bedroom like we've never seen before.
Speaker B:And with younger than we've ever seen before, we're in a pornography crisis.
Speaker B:You know, we.
Speaker B:What particular young people are coming across.
Speaker B:Across and having as their education?
Speaker B:Because young people are looking to learn, right?
Speaker B:And if adults around them aren't willing to have the conversations because they're too embarrassed to talk about it, they're going to go other places to learn, and there's places online we don't want them to learn.
Speaker B:That's what sex is.
Speaker B:And this is why.
Speaker B:Thank you so much for being open to having conversations about this.
Speaker B:Because if we can all be part of the change, then it changes what our young people and, and us and everyone else.
Speaker B:But what we're going to experience when it comes to not having safe spaces to actually be able to talk about it.
Speaker B:So yeah, to come back to that, that men and women, it's.
Speaker B:I have just as many men and women that come and they want to have better intimacy and they want to have better sex lives and they want to feel more confident in their bodies.
Speaker B:And more couples now as well that are going like, we weren't taught this stuff.
Speaker B:We weren't taught how to have great sex.
Speaker B:We were taught how to not get pregnant and that's about it.
Speaker B:And how to not catch STDs.
Speaker B:We weren't taught about pleasure, we weren't taught about the anatomy of our bodies.
Speaker B:The amount of things I see where people still refer to the vulva as the vagina.
Speaker B:And I'm like, that's not even correct anatomy, you know, like the, and all that can't identify the clitoris, you know, and, and the same thing with men as well, that can't identify the actual anatomy of our sexual organs.
Speaker B:And it's because of this shame and this, this discomfort in speaking about them that just feeds into that place where people aren't getting the help they need to be able to either heal if there's been trauma or just have better experiences.
Speaker A:And why do you think, in your professional opinion, because you are a professional.
Speaker A:Why do you think in your professional opinion people have such a hard time expressing sexuality or even discussing it?
Speaker A:I know that there is no way that I could sexually please my wife if I was trying to do with her what was sexually pleasing to some of my other partners.
Speaker A:Two different people, two different pleasures, two different experiences.
Speaker A:And if we weren't open to discussing it, both of us would probably go unsatisfied.
Speaker A:Why do you think that people are so afraid to discuss it?
Speaker B:I think there are some differences when it comes to gender in this.
Speaker B:There is definitely a history of women feeling silenced and women feeling like they can't ask for what they want.
Speaker B:When we look at trauma responses, you know, we've got flight, fight, freeze, fawn, which is one of the lesser known, which is essentially people pleasing.
Speaker B:And there are a lot of females in fawn response in their day to day lives.
Speaker B:And that people pleasing is then, well, I won't ask for what I want and need because I just need to tend to the other person and then I can feel good about myself and I'll stay safer.
Speaker B:Foreign response is also very common when it comes to sexual trauma.
Speaker B:So going into that people pleasing will keep you safe.
Speaker B:So there's a lot of silencing I think then.
Speaker B:And I can, I will speak from my perspective of my male clients and male friends.
Speaker B:I'm not going to say I know because I am a female in a female body.
Speaker B:But what I definitely know is pride and ego.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So pride is so important for the man and Absolutely.
Speaker B:You know, when we, we honor and we love and we respect the man and so when that pride or that ego is bruised and so actually like asking is that okay?
Speaker B:And maybe the response being no from your partner, oh gosh, that could hurt, you know, or you know, like saying like, do you like it like that?
Speaker B:And then actually being like, well actually if you did it differently.
Speaker A:Oh.
Speaker B:And again, because we're not taught how to have these conversations and communicate and it's one of my most favorite things to do is giving tools like consent tools.
Speaker B:Here's some frameworks we can use to figure out what we like and don't like.
Speaker B:Here's some ways to be able to say no if you don't like something, request things if you do.
Speaker B:And also I think it's because there's just such great differences and wonderful differences between.
Speaker B:And I'll speak.
Speaker B:This conversation comes from the biology and based on what we understand in the science of a male body and a female body and a male brain and a female brain, we process differently, we communicate differently and we see the world through different lenses.
Speaker B:Our sensory systems are different.
Speaker B:And so when it comes into relationship and intimacy and that's physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, whatever it is, it's literally like learning another language.
Speaker B:It is, you know, it's learning another language and heterosexual dynamics.
Speaker B:And so sometimes it's like, well, I tried but they didn't really understand me.
Speaker B:And so then I gave up.
Speaker B:It's like, actually we have to learn how to speak different languages and even in same sex relationships you'll still have these.
Speaker B:Because we are hardwired differently and we have different love languages and different erotic blueprint types and all of these.
Speaker B:But you particularly will see it in a heterosexual dynamic.
Speaker B:And until we can celebrate and recognize those, there's no better or worse, is just the fact that we evolve differently.
Speaker B:And this comes from caveman days.
Speaker B:Our sensory systems evolve differently until we can recognize those.
Speaker B:It's like it's the space between us that doesn't get to close.
Speaker B:So you know, there are some, some natural barriers and you've got the religious barriers, you've got societal barriers.
Speaker B:They're like what it is to be a man, what it is to be a woman.
Speaker B:And all of those pressures of the archetypes of what they are comes into it as well, as opposed to some dynamics, is completely the opposite of what the archetype should be if actually the honest conversations were to happen.
Speaker B:So there's a lot of pressure as well.
Speaker B:And I think there's particularly a lot of pressure on our men, you know, young men of, you know, how many, how many women have you had sex with?
Speaker B:How many experiences have you had to have multiple partners or this much?
Speaker B:Sex equals like pride or respect within packs essentially.
Speaker B:Like it really goes down to that in those early years.
Speaker A:Well, two things.
Speaker A:First off, I used to tell my male friends that you'll never satisfy a woman until you satisfy her brain.
Speaker A:You need to fuck her mind before you fuck her.
Speaker A:And if you don't, you're just going to go through the motions.
Speaker A:And secondly, as someone who used sex as a tool to feel better about myself, the quantity had more to do with me trying to prove something to me for self worth than being a man.
Speaker A:And using sex as barometer to my own self worth was way wrong.
Speaker A:I mean, I think back and how many women did I have to either physically or spiritually apologize to because I used them to make me feel better instead of helping them.
Speaker A:So the myths need to be addressed and need to be changed.
Speaker A:One of the other things that I find interesting, especially given your history of trauma on your website, you, and on some of your videos you openly show bondage and bondage from imagery can often be thought of as, you know, a major taboo and a major power dynamic.
Speaker A:How did you come to be so open with that dynamic and then teaching others?
Speaker A:Because it's on your website as a service you provide.
Speaker A:So how did you come to doing all that?
Speaker B:Oh, I love this, I love this conversation.
Speaker B:So first of all, just to give a reflection on what you just shared and thank you for the willingness to speak into that.
Speaker B:Is that me too?
Speaker B:I definitely had many sexual experiences in my younger years that was to try and fill a void, you know, I felt not pretty, not enough, not worthy, not desired, you know, and you can kind of see where that started to come from in my really young years.
Speaker B:And so it was just to fill that space and, and it can be such a, such a powerful way to instill self limiting beliefs really.
Speaker B:So yeah.
Speaker B:So going from that, from being in a place where I used sex as a way to try and fill my pain really and try and heal my pain, to actually finding tools within the sexual space of sexuality that truly actually helped to heal pain.
Speaker B:And so, so if we go back to becoming a Reiki practitioner developing a fascination with tantra.
Speaker B:So originally I came across Tantra.
Speaker B:So I, I had a podcast called Sex with My Ex, which was such a great podcast and we still have our episodes live.
Speaker B:And we would have started that about five, five years ago.
Speaker B:And that was co hosted with my ex boyfriend when I was 14.
Speaker B:And we started interviewing different people and we had an incredible conversation with Rebecca Lowry around the energetics of intimacy.
Speaker B:And then we also had an interview with Master Arcane and Save Daphne around BDSM and around power play dynamics and around dominance and submission.
Speaker B:And the conversation was just so fascinating for me.
Speaker B:And it was at a point where I was exploring concepts for myself.
Speaker B:And then also because I was working with clients at that point, I was really interested in the different modalities that were available for essentially exploration.
Speaker B:I'd been married for seven and a half years, then I've been in another long term relationship and I was single and wanted to find ways to explore different things.
Speaker B:So then personally looked at exploring.
Speaker B:So both power exchange.
Speaker B:So dominance and submission within the space of BDSM and shibari.
Speaker B:So shibari is a form of bondage.
Speaker B:Rope bondage, Japanese rope bondage.
Speaker B:And shibari in itself as a bondage method is not sexual Kimbaku, which is, is the same kind of tying, has a sexual element to it.
Speaker B:So I actually fully manifested a shibari rigger.
Speaker B:So he'd had 10 years experience, was a friend of a friend.
Speaker B:I'd mentioned something around shibari and a friend said, I know someone that's been looking for a rope bunny.
Speaker B:So that's someone that gets tied up with shibari.
Speaker B:Would you be interested in meeting him?
Speaker B:And I was like, heck yes.
Speaker B:I'm just fascinated by these spaces where, and this is why me personally and I know a lot of the reasons that so many other people come across and are really intrigued by power exchange, submission, chabari, bondage.
Speaker B:I live a life where I have a lot of responsibilities, I have children that I'm raising, I have multiple businesses, I have a job, I have a house I need to look after.
Speaker B:I pay all my bills myself.
Speaker B:You know, I.
Speaker B:There's a lot that I manage and due to my choices and also the way that life is, that society is right now, I'm really pushed into my masculine first of all.
Speaker B:So a lot of doing and a Lot of having to be the one in control and having to be the one making the decisions, which I'm happy with.
Speaker B:However, there's not much space for me to surrender, to not have to think about where my body is and what I have to do and who I have to be looking after.
Speaker B:And that's what I found in the spaces of BDSM and shibari were.
Speaker B:Was the opportunity to be able to completely surrender and soften and be led really safely, consensually, be led, be guided, have someone else look after me, really look after me.
Speaker B:And these dynamics can be in any gender dynamic and any relationship dynamic when they're done safely and with consent, informed consent.
Speaker B:However, I know I've come across a lot of actually everyone, men and women, that have found in these spaces the only opportunity in their life where they don't have to be the one in control of everything.
Speaker B:And that is so healing.
Speaker B:I remember one of my.
Speaker B:I remember one of my shibari sessions, and I was completely restrained.
Speaker B:So my whole body is tied and it's tight, you know, and there's an element of physical discomfort in it.
Speaker B:And truly, it's a form of meditation.
Speaker B:You know, when I'm tied up in those ways, I am.
Speaker B:I'm breathing.
Speaker B:We've got music playing.
Speaker B:Like, I'm really present.
Speaker B:And I had this incredibly liberating moment where I'm like, completely.
Speaker B:I think my arms are behind my back.
Speaker B:I couldn't move, you know, I was completely restrained.
Speaker B:And I just thought.
Speaker B:And it came through very clearly.
Speaker B:No matter what is happening in my life and no matter how constricted I am, I'm free in my soul.
Speaker B:Like, I'm free.
Speaker B:My soul is free, My spirit is free.
Speaker B:And so it was almost these experiences of actually you can just let go and not have to move or think or please someone else, and you get to find freedom in it.
Speaker B:And for those that do get the nudge to come into these spaces, honestly, I have had the most healing experiences within those elements of sex and bondage.
Speaker B:And that happened so naturally, that happened so authentically, that were held so well, so powerfully.
Speaker B:And that's what's available when we can get on the other side of shame, right?
Speaker B:Or when we can just be curious enough to see what's on the other side.
Speaker B:And it's not for everyone.
Speaker B:You know, these things aren't for everyone.
Speaker B:However, I do think if people are curious, curious enough to experiment with different ways of being intimate and being sexual, then they will find something that will unlock something in them.
Speaker B:And and that's what I want to help people see is let's.
Speaker B:Let's be curious and open as opposed to think we know what it is or judge it or go, no, it's not for me.
Speaker B:Instead of maybe finding the most powerful.
Speaker A:Experience of your life, this is where I think communication comes in.
Speaker A:Because if you can communicate your needs or your curiosities or your desires, and you can communicate them in a safe space where they're communicated back, you both have an opportunity to explore something that you may never have explored or never would have explored or maybe never even known you would have found pleasure from.
Speaker A:I don't think if you just jump into it because you're curious without discussion, you're gonna.
Speaker B:So many things that need to happen first.
Speaker A:Again, it goes back to that mind.
Speaker A:The other thing you said that I think is really important, and I think this is true.
Speaker A: orld War II, beginning of the: Speaker A: And so many men now in the: Speaker A:And I think we need to go back to the dynamics where it's okay to have a balance.
Speaker A:One of the things that I've taught my wife is that it's okay to put down your sword.
Speaker A:You don't have to be on the battlefield all the time.
Speaker B:My partner has said almost that exact same phrase to me, which is great.
Speaker A:On a warrior spirit.
Speaker A:And the other part that she taught me is that it's okay to be vulnerable.
Speaker A:It's okay to open up, and it's okay to shed a tear.
Speaker A:You're not going to lose your masculinity card because you cried at an appropriate moment.
Speaker A:So I think both parties need to go back to the origins of how to be.
Speaker A:And I don't care if you're single or in a relationship, but a partner to even yourself.
Speaker A:You don't have to always be masculine.
Speaker A:You don't always have to be feminine.
Speaker A:Whichever gender you are, you can be both in a balanced situation, and it's okay.
Speaker B:Yeah, and it's.
Speaker B:I think it's active too.
Speaker B:It's an.
Speaker B:It's an active reflection tool that we would all benefit from doing.
Speaker B:I even had a conversation recently with my partner and me me leaning more into my healthy masculine in order to create spaces for me to be in my feminine, which for me means going into my calendar and blocking out sauna, rest, creativity, dance class like whatever it is and actually holding myself in that.
Speaker B:So then I'm cultivating spaces to be able to do that.
Speaker B:And then we also look at it in our relationship dynamic because we don't live in the same place.
Speaker B:So we don't get at the moment with him building his business and me here with the kids a lot of time physically together we look at the ways that we can nurture that polarity dance.
Speaker B:And because I am a single mom, I'm a lot of the time in my masculine.
Speaker B:And so when I'm with him we're cultivating consciously spaces for me to be able to soften into the surrender of, of being led.
Speaker B:And, and we.
Speaker B:Exactly what you said.
Speaker B:Because we've been pushed so far into these.
Speaker B:Like I've said this to so many couples I've worked with.
Speaker B:I have said to her, when it's a heterosexual relationship, where do you let him lead?
Speaker B:Where do you create spaces for him to lead in this relationship dynamic?
Speaker B:And they'll be like, you just decide everything, do everything.
Speaker B:Oh, we're doing this, we're organizing this way and, and there's so much in that because, because we have needed to develop this self sustainable independence within us because we've been pushed so far into it, which is really unnatural for us.
Speaker B:But they're like oh not really ever.
Speaker B:My well then how can you expect him to be able to hold you?
Speaker B:And where are you giving him the opportunity to prove or show that you are safe with him and you can trust him?
Speaker B:You know, respect and trust and safe safety.
Speaker B:Massive, massively important for us to be creating times when we're celebrating those.
Speaker B:And like I said, I even say it to my male friends, you know, for out somewhere psycho.
Speaker B:I feel so safe with you.
Speaker B:And you can just see how powerful like that is in itself.
Speaker B:You know, because as women we just want to feel safe and as men you want to feel like we.
Speaker B:You can protect.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And, and so it's, it's really, it's really that we all can benefit from being conscious of this and not just thinking about it, actually doing things to help create these more in harmony balances internally within us and then in our relationships, whether it's, you know, romantic or family or workplaces or whatever.
Speaker B:So we can just start to get that moving and in a much more sustainable way.
Speaker B:Because it hasn't been sustainable and it's.
Speaker A:Very, it's a very complex dynamic within a person because you have the trauma that a vast majority of women have had.
Speaker A:You have societal which have propagated them into their masculine for survival.
Speaker A:And then you also bring in cultural.
Speaker A:My wife is Portuguese.
Speaker A:She was born in the Azores and we went back to visit her family.
Speaker A:In our household, we don't have gender roles.
Speaker A:So I clean, I do dishes, I vacuum, she cooks, I dry.
Speaker A:We don't have these.
Speaker A:Your job, my job, we have.
Speaker A:We're running a household.
Speaker A:And when we went back to Portugal to the Azores to visit her family, I got up to do the dishes, and now I don't speak Portuguese.
Speaker A:So I didn't know this was the conversation going on, but her aunts were asking her, is he mad at you?
Speaker A:Why?
Speaker A:Why?
Speaker A:Well, because he's off doing the dishes.
Speaker A:You're supposed to be doing that.
Speaker A:And I'm floored by.
Speaker A:Even culturally gender roles push you into.
Speaker A:This is your role, that's your role.
Speaker A:So the dynamic of coming out of that is so challenging.
Speaker A:And I can imagine that, like, if someone were listening to you right now, who was trying to find their sexuality, their safe space, what would you say to them to their first point of direction?
Speaker A:Because it is a long journey and it's a process, but every process has a first step.
Speaker A:What do you recommend being that first step?
Speaker B:So the very first question that I would invite someone to ask themselves is if there has been trauma.
Speaker B:So if there has been some kind of sexual trauma, and just to break down even trauma as a construct, because it can be really misunderstood.
Speaker B:So any experience that we have in life that creates a dysregulation to our nervous system, to our internal system and puts us in a stress response that creates a stress cycle that then wants to be completed.
Speaker B:Now, if we do not have the chance to fully process that, or it is a major trauma and there is no opportunity to, then that will stay with us for life.
Speaker B:And so when you look at sexual trauma, I often hear things like, oh, it wasn't that bad, though, or, oh, but they didn't rape me, or, oh, but it wasn't.
Speaker B:And so when we start this, I really want to make it clear that if you've experienced something within the space of sex that has created that discomfort and that response in the body, then that is valid and that is true in your experience and deserves to have sex support and help.
Speaker B:Now, the reason I bring this in is that more than likely you're going to benefit from getting some kind of therapeutic support with that.
Speaker B:Because if we try and rush straight to, let's become the most sexually liberated version of you, and you've had some experiences that are sitting there, they're going to block and they're going to stop you from actually being able to have the most liberated and beautiful and expensive experience experiences that you can have.
Speaker B:Now there's multitude of different ways you can get support on that.
Speaker B:That would be my first touchstone.
Speaker B:After that it would be getting to know yourself.
Speaker B:So getting to know you as an individual, as a sensual being in your expression and that is things like looking at what your main love languages are the ways you love to express love, give love, receive love, what your erotic blueprint type is or types are the ways you love to receive and give sex or intimacy in different ways.
Speaker B:Being curious and open around the space of kink and BDSM are the things that entice you and not making any of it wrong or right or judging it in any way, but just starting to play around with getting to know yourself.
Speaker B:That is always going to be the first step because too often the mistake that happens when we come into the space of sex is that and this always happens.
Speaker B:I've said this to so many women, they want their partners to please them, but they don't even know what would please them and they don't even self pleasure themselves.
Speaker B:So they don't even really know how to connect to their own pleasure and they're expecting their partner to just magically know how to do that.
Speaker B:And so it's getting to know yourself, you know, so looking at self pleasure and I mean there's a whole conversation within that because there are differences in anatomy and the impacts when it comes to male and female bodies as well.
Speaker B:But yeah, just getting to know yourself that would be the very first step.
Speaker B:Getting amongst podcasts like this, getting into conversations, starting to break down your own self limiting beliefs, taboo stories, whatever they are around sex and sexuality so that when you start to experience things that that shame filter isn't sitting there stopping you from actually finding out about yourself.
Speaker A:Self pleasure, whether it be physically or mentally, taking the bath, giving yourself permission to go dance, all of it is important to get to know yourself so that you can communicate with your partner how your love language is and how to please you.
Speaker A:And I don't care if that's man or woman, you have to know not only sexually but but in your life what pleases you so that they can help navigate those waters.
Speaker A:You used to do a podcast and you currently do another podcast.
Speaker A:What is your current podcast about?
Speaker A:And you also were highlighted in a magazine and do your wedding ceremonies.
Speaker A:Can you talk a little about the wisdom of womanhood podcast and and what you were featured in and.
Speaker A:And how you got into being a.
Speaker A:A wedding officianado.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:So yes, we have this beautiful podcast which is, I would say it's not just for vulva owner listeners.
Speaker B:I would say get amongst it because you're going to learn more about women regardless of what gender you are.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:But it is all themed on women obviously.
Speaker B:So we go into different topics, but we also cover things like the father wound, the mother wound that I got.
Speaker B:One of my favorite episodes is her story.
Speaker B:So actually the history of suppression of woman through the ages over the last, you know, a thousand years.
Speaker B:And it's really important for so many people to know because a lot of people don't.
Speaker B:So, yeah, amazing.
Speaker B:Co hosted with a beautiful friend of mine called Pippa.
Speaker B:And yeah, so that's that.
Speaker B:You can still find my old episodes with sex with my ex, which I still go back and listen to heaps of fun.
Speaker B:There's lots of great, great conversations in that.
Speaker B:There's conversations around starting up conversations around fantasy, there's conversations around kink, around love, languages, erotic blueprint types, all different kinds of things within that space.
Speaker B:It's really fun.
Speaker B:So weddings, I was asked because I've been running retreats and workshops and all this kind of stuff for many years.
Speaker B:I was asked by someone to actually do their 10 year vowel renewal, to hold the ceremony for them.
Speaker B:And I was like, yeah, sure, I've never done that, but that'll be fun.
Speaker B:I love love, I love love, I love love.
Speaker B:So did that and then had had this impulse of oh my gosh, okay, I should do this.
Speaker B:I should actually do weddings.
Speaker B:So yeah, this will be my like first full wedding season I've just come out of.
Speaker B:I've got my last one next weekend and it is.
Speaker B:Oh, I'm going to tell you, actually my favorite thing, my favorite thing about weddings is that it is one of the only socially acceptable places for people to be expressively emotional.
Speaker B:I just love it, you know, I love if it's a hetero relationship, you've got him there.
Speaker B:The moment he sees her, he burst into tears.
Speaker B:You've got the dads that are there crying.
Speaker B:You've got, you know, the friends that have known them for years.
Speaker B:You've got kids there because it's a second or third marriage is like, it's just so beautiful to see humans actually freely expressing themselves.
Speaker B:The vows that couples write to each other, it just lights me up and I love it.
Speaker B:And I love co creating with people to bring their visions to life.
Speaker B:And I also happen to be.
Speaker B:To bring in all of the couples that want the really quirky, like weddings where we're doing really cool things and actually we're just having ceremonies that happen to also be weddings.
Speaker B:So that's really cool.
Speaker B:And yeah, so I was featured last year and Light Up Mag, which is an online mag that's actually global, but is the editor is based here in the Bay of Plenty where I live.
Speaker B:And it was a great opportunity, I think.
Speaker B:You know, I've spoken on lots of podcasts and spoken about my life, but it was a really great opportunity to do really nice reflection on where I was at.
Speaker B:You know, we broke down a lot of my story, my own experiences, my.
Speaker B:My.
Speaker B:My marriage breakup, the deep, dark places in my journey through depression.
Speaker B:And then again, very similar to this podcast episode kind of how.
Speaker B:How a lot of that alchemized and turned into the ways that I so gratefully get to help and give back to people.
Speaker B:So, yeah, it was really special to be part of.
Speaker B:And again, just bringing conversations to the people that need to be had that are real.
Speaker B:You know, I'm so much about real.
Speaker B:I'm not going to sit here and miss out things from my life or it's taken a while to get there, you know, or glorify anything.
Speaker B:I'm really honest about it, and that's what I would love to see more of as well.
Speaker A:Well, we can definitely continue talking about this for hours because it's a great subject and it needs to be brought to light.
Speaker A:And you're very knowledgeable in what you do.
Speaker A:And I appreciate you joining me on this episode.
Speaker A:I'm going to ask you the one last question that I ask all my guests.
Speaker A:What does a warrior spirit or having a warrior spirit mean to.
Speaker A:Shall we?
Speaker B:A couple of years ago, I would have said resiliency.
Speaker B:However, I'm at a point in my life now where I don't glorify resiliency anymore, because I used to glorify it and go, I'm so proud of myself because I just keep going and I just keep going.
Speaker B:Do you know what a warrior spirit would be for me now is actually having the internal capacity and discernment to know when to be fierce and when to be soft, to actually be able to move through both places in order to carry on in a way that is still balanced and strong.
Speaker A:That is phenomenal.
Speaker A:And having watched you over the last four years in our friendship, in the circles that we run in, it's wonderful to see you actually step into your own warrior spirit and shine your light because your light is going to help enlighten others and I just appreciate you and I appreciate that you're part of my tribe and thank you for joining me on this.
Speaker A:I appreciate you so much.
Speaker B:Oh my absolute pleasure.
Speaker B:Thank you for giving the platform for the places.
Speaker A:You're very welcome.
Speaker A:And if you'd like to connect with Shaue she can be found on her website Mama Xiao Holistic Healing as well as the holistic sexologist on all of her social platforms and also on her podcast Mama Ciao Holistic Healing.
Speaker A:And if you would like to reach out, all of those links are definitely going to be in the show notes below.
Speaker A:And I just want to thank you again for joining us on this edition of A Warrior Spirit.
Speaker A:And be sure to click the like button or the subscribe button so you can catch all the episodes and I hope you have a wonderful day and I hope you actually step in and explore your own sexuality.
Speaker A:It'll be worth it.
