Toxic Love: The Signs, the Struggles, and the Solutions
Is your relationship a healthy vibe or a toxic trap? Today, we’re diving deep into the nitty-gritty of relationships with our guest, Nabutete Khauka, who’s all about raising awareness on toxicity and helping those caught in the crossfire of abusive situations.
We chat about the generational cycles of dysfunction, how awareness and accountability play key roles in breaking those chains, and why it’s crucial to recognize the signs of toxicity before it’s too late. From emotional manipulation to the complexities of infidelity, we’re tackling the hard truths that often get swept under the rug.
So, buckle up, because we’re not just here to throw shade—we’re shining a light on healing and growth, and it might just spark some serious conversations in your life.
Takeaways:
- Understanding the signs of toxic relationships is crucial for personal well-being and growth.
- Healing from trauma requires not just awareness, but also accountability and forgiveness.
- It's essential to break the cycle of generational trauma to foster healthier relationships.
- Emotional and verbal abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse in relationships.
- Creating a supportive community can make a huge difference for those dealing with toxic relationships.
- Communication is key; it helps resolve conflicts and fosters understanding between partners.
You can connect with Nabutete on her 2 FB pages at:
https://www.facebook.com/share/18gEFzVLze/?mibextid=wwXIfr
https://www.facebook.com/share/g/1Biq1ub5JF/?mibextid=wwXIfr
or on TikTok: @rachelkhauka
Transcript
Hey.
Speaker A:Welcome back to another episode of A Warrior Spirit, the show where the inner warrior shines in their light, presented by Praxis 33, the company that aligns your thoughts, goals, and actions to create your best life.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Darrel Snow.
Speaker A:Is your current relationship healthy or toxic?
Speaker A:And how do you truly know?
Speaker A:Or perhaps you've been the victim of violence in your relationship and you need to find a way out.
Speaker A:Or maybe you just want a better understanding of how you can help someone who's going through something like that.
Speaker A:Or maybe you just want a healthier relationship yourself.
Speaker A:Today we're speaking with Nate Kauka.
Speaker A:She serves battered women and helps raise awareness on toxicity in relationships.
Speaker A:And you've given me permission to call you Taytay, so I'm going to.
Speaker A:So I don't butcher it the second time.
Speaker B:Tay.
Speaker A:Tay, welcome to the show.
Speaker B:Hello.
Speaker B:Hello, Darrell.
Speaker A:I appreciate you joining us because your mission to help raise awareness on toxic relationships and to raise, you know, to help battered women is.
Speaker A:Is a vital and an important mission.
Speaker A:And unfortunately, you have a lot of people that fall into that category.
Speaker A:I would like to see that number be diminished.
Speaker A:You know, not that I wish you out of a job, but I do wish it was different.
Speaker A:So what got you into helping that sector of society?
Speaker B:Well, because that is something that also runs in my family, and it's something that I've also experienced.
Speaker B:My mother has experienced.
Speaker B:My father's not a battered woman, but I know that he also experienced that growing up as well.
Speaker B:And when I just look around into the world, I see a lot of what I went through and a lot of what my parents went through, and you see the numbers decre, like, increasing on divorce and so many people starting to break up.
Speaker B:We have a lot of broken homes, and I feel like that plays a huge role into it.
Speaker B:I would just like to help that.
Speaker A:It's generational, unfortunately.
Speaker A:You know, things like you just said, you know, are passed down from person to person.
Speaker A:And, you know, when.
Speaker A:When people think of abusive relationships, they often think of, you know, the.
Speaker A:The woman as the victim.
Speaker A:But they're.
Speaker A:There are.
Speaker A:There are numerous times where it is also the man who is being the, you know, abused person in the relationship.
Speaker A:Do you find it to be like 60, 40, 70, 30, 50, 50?
Speaker A:What do you find?
Speaker B:Well, if you look at statistics, it's definitely disproportionate, but for me personally, I feel that it.
Speaker B:It could be more of a 50, 50.
Speaker B:I feel that women speak out more and women are more.
Speaker B:That's why it's more documented for women, but I feel like there's a lot of males who also deal with abuse.
Speaker B:They just don't speak out as much.
Speaker A:Yeah, I think men hold it in from either embarrassment or shame or guilt that they weren't strong enough to, you know, step out of that.
Speaker A:Women definitely should and do speak up a lot more.
Speaker A:You do a lot on social media.
Speaker A:You.
Speaker A:You post a lot of controversial questions.
Speaker A:And what's your feedback from.
Speaker A:From such hot topics that you post about?
Speaker A:And why do you.
Speaker A:A lot of people will shy away from controversy.
Speaker A:Why do you kind of like, just jump in and embrace it?
Speaker B:Well, I feel that it's a great way to grow.
Speaker B:I think that we live in a society and even in our homes, we usually avoid talking about the hard things, and we usually avoid talking about things that we know.
Speaker B:Somebody has an opposing view, but how are we supposed to become united and move forward as a people if we're avoiding all these things?
Speaker B:And so I like to do it so I could gather everybody's point of view, get people to be able to talk about different things without arguing, you know, so they could play in that growth.
Speaker B:But then I also like to get data from that.
Speaker B:You know, if I could know how all these different people think, I know how to better help them when I am serving them.
Speaker A:Do you find that there's one common thread or a couple common threads that are woven throughout people's experience with.
Speaker A:With toxic relationships or.
Speaker A:Or victim of violence?
Speaker B:Like a common pattern?
Speaker B:Is that what you're asking?
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Is there.
Speaker A:Is there a common thread, a common pattern that you see that's in each of these relationships that kind of, you know, weaves the.
Speaker A:The situation together.
Speaker B:That it was.
Speaker B:It's generational.
Speaker B:You know, a lot of times, if you get somebody that grew up in a toxic home or you.
Speaker B:They grew up in an abusive home, more than likely they are going to create a broken home as well, and all of their relationships are going to be broken.
Speaker A:So you.
Speaker A:I know you have children.
Speaker A:How are you breaking that generational curse in.
Speaker A:In your household?
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:Well, one of the ways that I've broken at is therapy.
Speaker B:You know, therapy is a lot of things that a lot of people don't do because they don't want people to know their business.
Speaker B:And growing up, you know, there was a lot of things that happened in my home that nobody talked about.
Speaker B:So, you know, I kind of just grew up thinking that they were normal, not knowing that they were wrong, even if they brought me pain.
Speaker B:And so one of the things that I've been pretty persistent about with me and my kids is therapy.
Speaker B:You know, my daughter, she goes, I go.
Speaker B:My son, he's only four, but I know if there's ever a time that he needs there, or maybe even, even doesn't need it, it's okay to go and talk to somebody if he's not wanting to talk to me or his father or his sister.
Speaker A:And when you, when you look back at some of the things that you went through, what helped you other than therapy?
Speaker A:Because a lot of us go and we talk and we talk and we talk, but then nothing really gets done.
Speaker A:So what really helped you overcome your own trauma and then advocate to be able to be a good steward for others who are going through it.
Speaker B:Becoming aware, I think is the first thing that really, really helped me.
Speaker B:And then just taking accountability was the second major thing that helped me.
Speaker B:Because you are correct, there's a lot of people that go to therapy, and that is one of the things that I've noticed about therapy myself is that they're great listeners.
Speaker B:And so you can get a lot out, but you can go there for a month and talk about the same struggles over and over and over and over again and they're okay with that.
Speaker B:And that's actually why I created my five step process.
Speaker B:Because I said, it's nice to talk, but we have to do more so that we can actually grow.
Speaker B:And so I learned that you actually had to, for one, recognize where you were in life, take accountability and responsibility for what you were adding while I was adding to that toxicity, and then really just work to forgive, accept and move past that and heal it so that I could start doing better and creating different.
Speaker B:Because we all know that becoming aware of something doesn't mean it's going to change.
Speaker B:But when you do take that accountability, right, and then you accept it and you forgive it, you are able to start making those changes or either creating a plan to make those changes.
Speaker A:Yeah, I went to therapy for a lot of years and I thought I had dealt with my issues because I had been through therapy to at least be aware of them.
Speaker A:And all therapy really did was help me bury them, like lie to myself, that I really had addressed them.
Speaker A:Because I acknowledge you.
Speaker A:I see you.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:I'm good from you, right?
Speaker A:It, it wasn't until I actually did the inner work with a healing coach just a few years ago that really eradicated that from my life instead of just covering it up in my life.
Speaker A:And I think a lot of people lie to Themselves just because they've addressed it, I don't think they really dig in and do the work necessary.
Speaker A:And you said forgiveness and that is a huge key.
Speaker A:One of the things that helped me overcome my abusive childhood was being able to forgive the abusers and myself for carrying it for so long.
Speaker A:You know, I wasted 50 plus years carrying this stuff just because I thought therapy had helped me deal with it.
Speaker A:Do you, when you say accountability, what does that mean in your situation?
Speaker A:What, what did you take accountability towards to actually heal?
Speaker B:Well, I had to realize because a lot of times hurt people hurt people.
Speaker B:If you only know toxic, a lot of times you'll produce toxic.
Speaker B:And so I had to hold myself accountable because I went through, we go through a period of life where a lot of us are kind of pointing the finger at everybody else.
Speaker B:I have trust issues because he cheated on me or you know, that relationship ended because he was abusive and things of that nature.
Speaker B:And so I had to take a step back and I had to realize that pointing a finger and blaming everybody else wasn't really getting me anywhere because now I was still stuck in this toxicity myself that I was carrying around.
Speaker B:And so I had to take a step back and really just hold myself accountable for the environments that I was entertaining, for the different men that I was entertaining, the different friendships that I was entertaining.
Speaker B:And then I had to hold my like be responsible for that.
Speaker B:You know, I had to become aware of my own toxic traits and the things that I was putting out that weren't the best for the world and for others and really just be accountable so that I could work to fix those things and healing.
Speaker B:I'm able to say, you know what, I have these certain behaviors too, or I'm allowing these certain things too.
Speaker B:I'm accountable for this.
Speaker B:I'm responsible for my life.
Speaker B:Not those people.
Speaker B:They're going to be.
Speaker B:Who they're going to be in the world is going to have toxicity.
Speaker B:But I have to recognize when I'm stepping into it, allowing it, or putting it out myself, the.
Speaker A:Words toxic or abusive relationship.
Speaker A:Often people think of the violence.
Speaker A:And a toxic relationship isn't necessarily just violence.
Speaker A:It can be emotional, verbal, financial, financial.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:They're lording over their money.
Speaker A:How do you treat each of those phases and how do you make a person or not make, how do you help a person recognize which part of that toxic relationship they're actually experiencing?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:So I created a five step process that I bring women through.
Speaker B:And it starts with awareness.
Speaker B:We jump into accountability, then we go into forgiveness.
Speaker B:Acceptance, plan, action, and then living a new reality.
Speaker B:But each of under, like, underneath each of those steps, I have a bunch of homework assignments and exercises that I have people work on to, to help them get through that.
Speaker B:Because a lot of times if you tell somebody you need to become aware, you need to take accountability, they don't really know where to start or they don't even know what that means.
Speaker B:Like, okay, take awareness of what you know, what am I holding myself accountable for?
Speaker B:I didn't do anything.
Speaker B:And so when we work through this process, we just spend pretty much like a very long time becoming aware of who we are, what environment we've been in, what we're allowing into our lives.
Speaker B:Why would we be allowing these things into our life?
Speaker B:What toxic traits do I have?
Speaker B:What toxic traits did my parents have that I inherited that I might be carrying on?
Speaker B:And one of the major things that I have people become aware of is that we tend to gravitate towards people like our parents when it comes to relationships.
Speaker B:And so we do a lot of that so that we could figure out where we are, you know, like where we stand as far as toxicity and healthy.
Speaker B:And then we move into that accountability where we're saying, okay, I'm going to take accountability for what I added, you know, to all of this abuse and all of this toxicity.
Speaker B:But then I'm also going to hold others accountable moving forward.
Speaker B:Because a lot of times people that have been abused, we don't, we suck at boundaries, right?
Speaker B:We're not holding boundaries, we're not holding others accountable, we're not holding ourselves accountable.
Speaker B:And so I take the women through that and honestly, it makes a major impact.
Speaker B:Just those first two steps alone, you.
Speaker A:Know, does your program, does it tie into this virtual group and the all empowered women that you hold?
Speaker A:And what's the significance of the semicolon?
Speaker B:So the semicolon.
Speaker B:Well, I'll start with the first question.
Speaker B:That program, the virtual support groups are something that I hold every other week.
Speaker B:And it's just that it's a support group where we all come together and really just being in a room with a bunch of other people who have experienced the same thing as you and they could understand you and they could say, girl, you're not crazy.
Speaker B:You know what I'm saying?
Speaker B:You ain't crazy.
Speaker B:Nope.
Speaker B:I thought that too.
Speaker B:Because gaslighting work, well, that's the term not everybody might not use.
Speaker B:But when you're somebody that has been in an abusive relationship, a lot of times you get gaslighted into thinking that you maybe you added to it or you deserved it.
Speaker B:You were the crazy one.
Speaker B:And so when we can come together with a bunch of women who have experienced the same thing, we find a lot of comfort in that.
Speaker B:And so when people sign up for my programs, one of the things that comes with it is this virtual support group where, hey, we're not coaching right now.
Speaker B:We don't have to work on anything.
Speaker B:We could just sit in this room and support each other and vent.
Speaker B:And that semicolon just means that it's like for a suicide awareness, where it's like, I could have ended my life, but I decided to keep moving forward because we do have a lot of people, especially who have come from these types of homes, who either attempt suicide or have these thoughts of suicide.
Speaker B:And I feel like numbers with mental health and that they're just increasing.
Speaker B:And so I just use that as a symbol for my support group because a lot of us women can resonate with that.
Speaker A:That's awesome.
Speaker A:And I think coming into a place where you feel safe and secure is different than going into therapy.
Speaker A:It's definitely more of a love feeling than a oh, I got to work on something feeling.
Speaker A:And when you're in an abusive relationship and you don't feel the comfort and you don't feel the peace and you don't feel the love, being surrounded by people who have experienced it help you get to that point so you can lean on each other to build each other back up.
Speaker B:Oh, yeah, I agree.
Speaker B:I agree 100%.
Speaker A:What is your.
Speaker A:I know online, I said you.
Speaker A:You talk about a lot of controversial topics, and you talk about cheating a lot.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:Does that seem to be one of the major ways that these relationships become toxic and abusive, is it starts with cheating?
Speaker B:I wouldn't say for all of the relationships, because there are some relationships where there's no cheating, but abuse and neglect and other things are still ev.
Speaker B:But at the same time, I work with a lot of women who deal, who do deal with infidelity or they have dealt with infidelity, and it's something that is still impeding their life in a negative way today, just dealing with that cheating.
Speaker B:I don't think that people realize or recognize the effect that cheating really has on a woman or on a man.
Speaker B:I mean, people carry that for years and view the whole world through just that cheating.
Speaker A:Oftentimes, cheating leads to separation.
Speaker A:Sometimes it can lead to reconciliation and healing.
Speaker A:What do you find is the difference between those that can overcome that and those that don't?
Speaker B:I don't think that there's one difference, but a few differences that I've noted is there's people that actually deal with infidelity and then they do the work afterwards, right?
Speaker B:Whether they see an inf.
Speaker B:Because there's infidelity coaches out there, there's infidelity camps out there.
Speaker B:Like there's a whole camp just made for infidelity.
Speaker B:I learned that a few years ago.
Speaker B:And I think that when people put the work in after because they want to stay together, they're more apt to find that healing and that reconciliation and not to repeat the offense.
Speaker B:And then I feel like there's also people who just have that maybe a lower self esteem or they seen it in their household growing up.
Speaker B:And so what you see is, you know, the infidelity turns into an ongoing thing that we're kind of just forgiving and cycling back around to.
Speaker B:Those are the two main things that I've seen mostly in the, you know.
Speaker A:Throughout working with women and men get cheated on too.
Speaker A:My first wife, she, unbeknownst to me for, you know, our entire marriage cheated from day one.
Speaker A:As a matter of fact, I found out years later after our divorce.
Speaker A:Three days after our wedding, she went on a trip with a girlfriend of ours and she was having gang bangs in the hotel and doing all kinds of stuff.
Speaker A:And that was three days after our marriage.
Speaker A:And I asked my friend, you know, why didn't you, why didn't you tell me any of that?
Speaker A:And she said, well, I knew how much you loved her and I didn't want to ruin your marriage.
Speaker A:And I'm like, well, the seven years of hell that I went through because of all of that probably could have been, you know, stopped.
Speaker A:But, you know, so cheating happens on both sides and there's something innately wrong in the relationship if you're having to step outside for the relationship.
Speaker A:Now, some people, it's just totally a sexual thing.
Speaker A:They just enjoy it.
Speaker A:In some, it's an emotional thing.
Speaker A:They're not getting whatever emotional connection they need at home, so they're getting that.
Speaker A:That elsewhere.
Speaker A:But it is a trust issue.
Speaker A:And if your trust is broken, then your relationship is broken and trust can be rebuilt.
Speaker A:But both parties have to want to rebuild that.
Speaker A:So it's depending on.
Speaker A:And sometimes it uncovers a bigger issue.
Speaker A:You know, we stepped out of our relationship because of something totally not sexually related.
Speaker A:Yeah, let's fix that totally other thing and then see if we can still heal.
Speaker A:It doesn't have to just be, oh, I'm out having sex with A bunch of different people.
Speaker A:Do you find that it usually is a root cause of something else?
Speaker B:Yeah, actually, you make a great point, because I think that's when you do deal with infidelity, when couples deal with infidelity.
Speaker B:I think one of the reasons a lot of people do fail in trying to work at that is exactly what you just said, because they address the cheating and they try to heal from the point of cheating.
Speaker B:But usually, yes, there is a reason that that infidelity occurred.
Speaker B:And if you don't address that issue, a lot of times more than likely you can circle back around to it because that issue that began in the first place is still there.
Speaker B:And a lot of.
Speaker B:I keep saying women, but a lot of women and men, a lot of times aren't gonna wanna.
Speaker B:They're.
Speaker B:They're mad at the offense.
Speaker B:You cheated on me.
Speaker B:And so if you say something like, well, do you want to hear the reason I cheated?
Speaker B:It's like, hell, no.
Speaker B:Like, there's no reason anybody should be cheating.
Speaker B:And we're kind of stuck in that space.
Speaker B:But no, you're 100 correct.
Speaker B:Where people usually cheat because there's a deeper and root cause to that.
Speaker B:And facing that root cause, I feel like it's gonna help that.
Speaker B:Help it so that that offense doesn't repeat.
Speaker A:And I think one of the offenses that happen in relationship is our communication style, our communication skills, how we speak to each other or how we listen to each other.
Speaker A:And many of us listen to answer instead of listen to hear.
Speaker A:And we filter it through our own past experiences and expect the same result when we're dealing with an entirely different person or situation.
Speaker A:So it doesn't have to be the same result if we just hear how they're actually saying what they're saying and.
Speaker A:And learn to communicate on a better level instead of just on a hearing level.
Speaker B:Oh, yeah.
Speaker B:Oh, Yeah.
Speaker B:I agree.
Speaker B:100.
Speaker B:Because when you're listening to respond, are you really listening?
Speaker B:And are you really understanding where that other person is coming from?
Speaker B:But yeah, when you're listening and you're filtering it through your personal experiences, it's also easy to just get triggered.
Speaker B:And now you're not even responding.
Speaker B:You're just reacting to the situation.
Speaker B:And so we're not really getting anywhere with that.
Speaker B:I agree.
Speaker A:And we're living.
Speaker A:We're, like you said, where it's a generational trauma, so we're responding to something that we heard from our parents or whomever the abuser was in our past, and we're filtering whatever the person in Front of us is saying through that prism and expecting that to be the outcome.
Speaker A:So you could say, you know, the sky is blue.
Speaker A:And if I heard my mom say, the sky is blue, but it came with a belt, well, crap, I don't want to hear that the sky is blue right now.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And on top of that, too, a lot of times when you have, you know, that trauma in your past and you get mad at a partner that's right in front of you, like you said, when you filter that through, you're angry because of that whole past that you just experienced.
Speaker B:So now you're lashing out at this person.
Speaker B:But it might be the first person this.
Speaker B:The first time this person did this thing to you, and they're nothing like your parents, but because your parents have done it, you're gonna say, oh, I can't deal with this anymore.
Speaker B:I can't be in this relationship.
Speaker B:I'm not gonna deal with this again.
Speaker B:And that person is kind of just like.
Speaker B:Again, you know, like, whoa.
Speaker B:You know, but it's like, yeah, you're carrying all that baggage, and you're projecting it all out into the person that's in front of you.
Speaker A:I'm a passionate speaker.
Speaker A:So when I get.
Speaker A:Especially when I think I'm right, but when I get impassioned about what I'm talking about, my wife hears it as, like, shouting or anger.
Speaker A:And her dad shouted at her mom the entire time they were, you know, together.
Speaker A:And so it triggers her back to that point, and she associates my volume and passion with his anger towards his mom.
Speaker A:So until I understood that, I couldn't work on it.
Speaker A:It would just be a.
Speaker A:You know, we'd be talking about something.
Speaker A:I'd get a little passionate about it, and then it become an argument.
Speaker A:And I never understood why until she was able to communicate with me, what was triggering her.
Speaker A:And then I'm now trying to work on modifying that so that I catch myself or bring it down or, you know, keep it to a conversational level where she knows it's just conversation and not an anger thing, not a shouting thing.
Speaker A:But again, if we don't communicate with our partners on what those trigger points are or why, then everything just becomes, you know, a fight, and then it's even hard for that relationship to.
Speaker A:To move forward.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And, I mean, what comes before even being able to communicate those things?
Speaker B:That's why awareness is so important, because if we're not aware of those things, we can't even communicate them.
Speaker B:And now we just have two people who, you Know, to use your example, where it's just like, why are we always arguing?
Speaker B:It's like, I'm with this guy and I like him, but, you know, it's just, we just can't stop arguing all the time, you know, but it's really awesome that she was aware of that and she was to communicate it, and then you guys were able to work with that.
Speaker A:And conversely, you know, there's trigger points that she'll say.
Speaker A:And I realize that it has nothing to do with her.
Speaker A:It has to do with how my mother used to say and do things.
Speaker A:And again, they would become fight issues until we were able to find communication skills that could relay that.
Speaker A:And now, you know, there's a better understanding.
Speaker A:And the awareness isn't just even on her part alone, it's on my part too.
Speaker A:Oh, you're triggering me because of.
Speaker A:I used to hear that from my mother, or that's how my mother used to do it.
Speaker A:And so, you know, again, the self awareness, but the accountability piece, you know, you can go from relationship to relationship to relationship to relationship, and.
Speaker A:And you can bitch and complain about every one of those relationships.
Speaker A:Guess what?
Speaker A:You're the common denominator.
Speaker A:So what in those relationships was about you that created those issues?
Speaker A:You know, you mentioned earlier, you know, the kind of menu attract.
Speaker A:Well, what was it in you that attracted those kind of men repeatedly on rinse cycle?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And I know for me personally, so I grew up.
Speaker B:I grew up with, you know, a very toxic father.
Speaker B:He was an alcoholic, he was abusive.
Speaker B:And then my mom, she was more passive, and she stayed with him up until I was probably 22, 23.
Speaker B:And I think for me, what I noticed is that it's almost like I wanted those projects because if the man that I was with can change, then my father could change.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And so I feel like I was always taking on these men that were broken and that needed help.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:They needed some kind of fixing, as did I.
Speaker B:And I always had this hope that like, you know, they could become a better person.
Speaker B:And if we just go to church or if we just do this or if we just do that or if I could get them to work on this, they could be a better person.
Speaker B:Somewhere subconsciously in my mind, that meant that my dad can become a better person.
Speaker B:And then other than that, also, though, I think it's because it's all I knew and I truly believe in like.
Speaker B:Like attracts like, or we attract what we're used to.
Speaker B:We attract.
Speaker B:And so because it was all that I knew those types of men stood out to me more so than other men.
Speaker B:And when I would, you know, date somebody that was healthy and that was calm and that, you know, wasn't loud or wasn't a drinker or wasn't trying to be codependent with me, it didn't.
Speaker B:To me, it wasn't love.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:It was like this.
Speaker B:It's a nice person.
Speaker B:I'm like.
Speaker B:But it doesn't feel like love.
Speaker B:Or maybe they don't love me.
Speaker B:How come they're not hounding me?
Speaker B:How come they're not getting jealous?
Speaker B:How come they're not acting out in these ways that I grew up learning were love?
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And so love is this guy that's an alcoholic and that's toxic and that's loud, and that's going to text me a million times and ask me where I am.
Speaker B:That's what love is.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And so I was attracting what I was used to, and I was hoping that I could, like, fix them also, because that meant that my dad could be fixed, you know?
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:It's funny you mentioned that, because a lot of times you'll hear, you don't want a nice guy.
Speaker A:You really don't want a nice guy.
Speaker A:Why is she always going for the bad guy?
Speaker A:Why is she always going for the, you know, the guy with the edge?
Speaker A:And it boils down to basically what you just said.
Speaker A:That's the perception that person has with what love is supposed to look like.
Speaker A:And until their perceptions change, they won't feel like they're worthy of the nice guy.
Speaker A:They'll think the nice guy is weak.
Speaker A:They'll think that the nice guy isn't authentic.
Speaker A:You know, you don't truly love me because you're being nice to me.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:And.
Speaker A:And until your perception and awareness that you talk about is.
Speaker A:Is there, you'll never have a nice guy because you won't want a nice guy because you don't think you're deserving of a nice guy.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And then, I mean, even once you gain awareness, you know, and then you got to hold yourself accountable for allowing these things.
Speaker B:And it's.
Speaker B:It's not.
Speaker B:And I always tell women, it's not this easy journey where you heal and suddenly you're just gonna, like, flourish and attract nothing but great guys.
Speaker B:Because even once you do attract a great guy with that awareness and with that accountability, there's still a lot of internal triggers inside of you and all these things that you have to work through.
Speaker B:Kind of like you and your wife, you know, to Be able to maintain and manage that healthy relationship.
Speaker B:It's not like it all just disappears.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:That trauma is still always there.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:We've been working at this for 10 years, and.
Speaker A:And we're still working on it daily.
Speaker A:You know, we still understand that there's parts of us healing.
Speaker A:I say this almost every episode because I talk to a lot of people in trauma.
Speaker A:But healing is not a destination.
Speaker A:Healing is a lifelong journey, and there's always some next level that can be brought up to heal from.
Speaker A:Even if it's just better awareness, better communication, better understanding.
Speaker A:You can heal from your traumas, and those are good, but there's going to be some other level that you still need to continue to work on.
Speaker A:Otherwise, your.
Speaker A:Your ascension is over.
Speaker A:Like, are you suddenly the God?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And honestly, when you stop working towards healing too, it's a lot.
Speaker B:It's really easy to backtrack and circle back around to toxicity, you know, because somebody could be on a healing journey and then they think, okay, I'm good.
Speaker B:They could stop that healing journey.
Speaker B:And then six months later, they're indulging in those same things.
Speaker B:A lot of times I compare toxic relationships like that addiction to that toxicity, or like an actual addiction where, you know, an addict can be clean for two years, but it's really easy for them to relapse.
Speaker B:It's.
Speaker B:It's the same thing in these toxic relationships where you could become aware and take that accountability and start this whole new life.
Speaker B:But if for a second, you know, you think, okay, I'm perfectly healed and I'm fine now, and then you just become complacent and stop doing the work, six months later, you could find yourself in other toxic situation.
Speaker A:And I think toxicity people need to understand that there's two versions of toxicity.
Speaker A:One is the dark, heavy stuff that we've been mentioning, but the other is positive.
Speaker A:Positive toxicity is just as damning, in my opinion, because to me, toxic positivity is when someone thinks that everything is unicorns and rainbows and, you know, the heavens fart in color.
Speaker A:It's not, you know, but to me, positivity is knowing that there's a solution to every problem.
Speaker A:You just got to work to solve it.
Speaker A:That's being positive.
Speaker A:Toxic positivity can be just as dangerous, in my opinion.
Speaker A:Have you run across any situations like that as well, or do you just deal on the other side?
Speaker B:Oh, well, I feel like I do face that conversation with just my platform alone a lot, because I get, especially from men, I get a lot of messages or Comments with people saying, like, why are you always talking about, like the negative stuff and why are you always talking about the toxicity and why are you always trying to pin men versus women, Women, you know, and to me, I'm like, I'm not.
Speaker B:I'm just talking about the things that people aren't talking about and the things that we need to become aware of so that we could actually work through those.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:It's not that I want to sit out here and talk about cheating all the time and the things that are happening, but if we're not addressing those things and we're not able to have a conversation about them, how are we going to, like, figure out solutions so that we can move past them?
Speaker B:So I agree.
Speaker B:If we're just positive all the time and only talking about the good things that relationships come with and ignoring all the bs, how are we going to move forward?
Speaker A:Yeah, I think you do.
Speaker A:You do.
Speaker A:I think sometimes I read your posts and I'm like, she's trying to trigger somebody.
Speaker A:She's trying to find somebody who's going to step out into the controversy.
Speaker A:And I don't think you do it just to be controversial, but I do believe it's one of the reasons why I asked you back on the show.
Speaker A:You're shining a light in the darkness and the darkness can never be illuminated unless the light is shined on it.
Speaker A:So you are taking these behind the doors issues and not spoken about in public situations and you're bringing them to light.
Speaker A:And yes, they're going to trigger some people who are not healed who don't have the capacity to have a conversation about it without it triggering themselves.
Speaker A:But it does bring you illumination to these issues and as you said, research data points.
Speaker A:Because if everybody is really triggered by this issue, okay, well, this must be an issue that I need to find a way to help some of the people I'm working with about because they may not be saying it.
Speaker A:So I don't think you purposely try to be controversial.
Speaker A:I think you try to be enlightening, but it is a controversial way.
Speaker A:I applaud you for stepping out in the controversy because there are so many people who won't talk about what is true and real because they don't want to offend anyone.
Speaker A:And by not offending anyone is how we got in this mess in the first place.
Speaker A:We went so freaking PC that we became dehumanized to what is real and we lost the ability to debate and communicate and we lost the ability to listen to another person's Opinion without shouting that you are right over them.
Speaker B:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker B:I mean, I was just.
Speaker B:The other day, I was sitting there reading, and when you.
Speaker B:It's actually sad, but when you look out into relationships and society today actually only 40, 47 of homes are the nuclear family, Right?
Speaker B:And then you have 80, 86%, 86% of single homes are single mothers.
Speaker B:So we're talking 14.3, I think it was million children only living with their mothers.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And so now we're building, and then you've got 6 million who are living with only their fathers.
Speaker B:And so now we have all these children who are only learning one side of the fence, Right?
Speaker B:And so when we bring them out into the world, and we're also seeing a lot of children failing out of school, wanting to attempt suicide, a lot of them are going into jail or they're going into prison because they had that uneven.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:They had that uneven dynamic in their home.
Speaker B:And I think that it's because people aren't talking about things.
Speaker B:And not only are they not talking about things, but a lot of people don't know.
Speaker B:There's a lot of women that I work with that will say, I didn't even know that I was in a unhealthy relationship.
Speaker B:You know, like, yeah, he cheated on me.
Speaker B:Yeah, he's put his hands on me.
Speaker B:Yeah, he yells at me all the time.
Speaker B:But I did not realize that that was toxic.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And that was a huge shocker to me where I was just like, wait, people.
Speaker B:Now we're at the basics, because people don't even know what toxic is.
Speaker B:It's so normalized that they're just living in it, passing it on, and we've.
Speaker B:We're seeing the effects that it has on the world now.
Speaker B:So it's like, no, we have to talk about these things.
Speaker B:We have to address these things, period.
Speaker B:I don't care if you think I'm trying to, you know, be negative or split, you know, go man versus women.
Speaker B:But there's people who don't even realize that what they are living in is toxic and it's affecting the kids on such a huge scale.
Speaker A:And that goes back to what you said, is, is it felt normal.
Speaker A:So that's what I attracted.
Speaker B:And what I repeated.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:And that's what we're showing our children.
Speaker A:This is normal.
Speaker A:And when that's normal, then it bleeds into other parts of dysfunctional society that they think is also normal.
Speaker A:And it causes the.
Speaker A:The chaos that we see today when you are dealing with, like, those kind of Numbers.
Speaker A:And they're kind of shocking that how skewed they actually were.
Speaker A:How, A, what would.
Speaker A:What do you find is the cause?
Speaker A:And B, what do you think can be a possible solution?
Speaker A:Because that's a really unbalanced scale.
Speaker B:Yeah, well, I believe that there's a lot of.
Speaker B:There's a lot of causes because a lot of these numbers that you do see are also in a lot of the minority or poverty areas.
Speaker B:I think there.
Speaker B:There's a huge lack of resources when it comes to mental health in a lot of those areas.
Speaker B:There's a lot of financial disparities and resources as far as that goes.
Speaker B:But then I also feel it's what we've been talking about on this whole show where we just have, you know, a lot of people who are living in toxicity and they're unaware, or you have a lot of people who, once they are aware and they want to heal, the only solution they know is to leave, right?
Speaker B:When we're talking about broken homes, I don't have the tools to fix this, so I'm just going to leave.
Speaker B:And now that women do have rights, you know, because a lot of people will say, well, why do you think the numbers were a lot bigger back in the day?
Speaker B: Because just in the: Speaker B:Where the two parents stayed together.
Speaker B:But women do have rights these days.
Speaker B:So they do.
Speaker B:They can go out and get a job.
Speaker B:They can go out and get that assistance.
Speaker B:And if they don't have the tools to fix the home, a lot of women are choosing to leave, right?
Speaker B:They're choosing to say, bye, I'm not doing this anymore.
Speaker B:I could survive on my own.
Speaker B:And then realizing that it's a lot harder than just walking out the door, okay?
Speaker B:Now I actually have to survive on my own.
Speaker B:And I feel like those are the major causes.
Speaker B:And a solution for me is, one of the solutions that I'm working towards is to work with these women, right?
Speaker B:And teach them solutions and teach them a healing process and helping them become aware.
Speaker B:Because if we can teach people these things, then not only can they fix their homes, but they can also, if they do decide to leave once they start something new, they already have the tools and they already know what to look out for and what's good and what's not.
Speaker B:And so now we're starting off healthy, right?
Speaker B:So we could either fix the home or we could start off on a healthy path.
Speaker B:I feel like that's a solution.
Speaker B:And then if we also find more recess Resources for mental health.
Speaker B:Because when you have a lot of adults that are roaming around that grew up in this dysfunction and they've never stopped to work on their mental health, or they don't have the money to do it, or there's not enough resources.
Speaker B:We just have a bunch of people who are walking around unhealed and broken and just passing that on into the world, but thinking that they're fine, you know, and saying, I got this.
Speaker B:I'm good.
Speaker B:I'm this powerful, inspired, empowered person, when really we're.
Speaker B:We're not, you know, and sometimes we don't even realize that we're not.
Speaker B:We're really believing that we are.
Speaker A:Again, it goes back to the awareness.
Speaker A:The other thing that you said was about how the.
Speaker A:The women are.
Speaker A:Are fed up and, and this is, you know, they're realizing they can do this on their own.
Speaker A:One of the issues I've seen in divorced families as I've communicated with people, the children become weapons, and the parents will use the children against the other parent as a weapon.
Speaker A:And they do it with disregard to how that is truly affecting the child.
Speaker A:I have some friends who are divorced and they don't have a set schedule.
Speaker A:They can see the kid at any time.
Speaker A:They can do any of those things.
Speaker A:They.
Speaker A:So there's.
Speaker A:They're not.
Speaker A:They're not pitting each other against each other, you know, and that is raising a healthier child.
Speaker A:Then I have the conversed friends who are.
Speaker A:It's nothing.
Speaker A:But, you know, this is the weapon I'm going to use, and I'm going to pit it against your father or, you know, sometimes against your mother.
Speaker A:I don't think you should ever take your personal relationship.
Speaker A:If you and I were in a relationship, how we feel about each other is no concern about how we feel about that child.
Speaker A:And that child should never feel how we feel about each other.
Speaker A:If it's not healthy.
Speaker A:If it's healthy, great.
Speaker A:But if it's not healthy, that child should never know that you and I don't like each other.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Yep.
Speaker B:And I agree.
Speaker B:It.
Speaker B:But.
Speaker B:But that's what happens.
Speaker B:Once again, if you have somebody that is dysfunctional and now they're going through this, you know, divorce, or they're going through this breakup, they're still going to operate in a dysfunctional way because we're not healed right.
Speaker B:We don't know the right way to do things because we only know dysfunction.
Speaker B:And it's.
Speaker B:It's just sad.
Speaker B:Yeah, it's heartbreaking.
Speaker A:You also mentioned the suicide, and I Know that a lot of people of all walks of life, either in a relationship or out of a relationship, have either thought of or attempted suicide.
Speaker A:So I know from your God moment you were saved, from your suicidal attempt, from your God moment, what do you offer some of these people who are on the brink to pull them back?
Speaker B:So I don't necessarily deal with my scope isn't suicide, but, you know, because it plays into with a lot of the women that I deal with.
Speaker B:I offer.
Speaker B:I would offer them the same thing that I offer the women that I work with, you know, that support group.
Speaker B:So you got a supportive group of people that you can meet with, that you could resonate with and that you could relate to so that you know, hey, you're not crazy.
Speaker B:People have these thoughts.
Speaker B:It's okay to feel depressed, it's okay to feel sad.
Speaker B:But let's push through this together, you know, and if you ever need me in between these sessions, you could either, you know, send a message or you can call.
Speaker B:We are here for you.
Speaker B:And just knowing that you have that community alone makes a major impact.
Speaker B:Or they could either go through my process, which is aimed towards that awareness, you know, why do you think?
Speaker B:And so it would help them develop, you know, why are you having these talks?
Speaker B:Did they just start.
Speaker B:Do you think it's the right decision?
Speaker B:The wrong decision?
Speaker B:You know, what is it in your life that you're doing that's making you.
Speaker B:And so we become aware, we take that accountability and we take all those steps.
Speaker B:That's what I would offer them.
Speaker B:But at the same time, I will honestly say, if somebody came to me with solely just that issue, I would help them find resources for somebody that could better support them on that journey.
Speaker A:Which is very responsible.
Speaker A:And you said something very key, which I think a lot of people skate over.
Speaker A:Yeah, it's okay to feel this way.
Speaker A:And I tell my clients sometimes it's okay to rest.
Speaker A:You just can't camp.
Speaker A:Like, we're not setting up shop.
Speaker A:You can feel these.
Speaker A:And we'll work through these.
Speaker A:We'll acknowledge them and we'll work on them.
Speaker A:But we're not going to just camp there because that'll never get you forward.
Speaker A:So.
Speaker B:And people have to learn that.
Speaker B:It's, it's.
Speaker B:Those are normal human emotions.
Speaker B:You know, it's like, we're a society that thinks that we always have to be happy and everything's got to be going right, otherwise we're flawed.
Speaker B:When really it's like, no, we're human.
Speaker B:We're going to have Those our lives can be going completely perfect and we could still feel sad at some moment because we are human.
Speaker B:You know, we're not meant to just be happy, go lucky all the time.
Speaker B:It's completely normal to have these different emotions.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:And to deal with them for sure.
Speaker A:Well, I think that you bring a lot of great light to this hard subject, and I'm just glad that you're out there still shining brightly.
Speaker A:I'm going to ask you one last question that I ask all my guests.
Speaker A:And what does a warrior spirit, or having a warrior spirit mean to you?
Speaker B:I would say somebody who knows how to.
Speaker B:Somebody who knows how to persevere, because we're always going to face difficulties and we're always going to have these battles against our own thoughts.
Speaker B:But if we're able to face those and still find balance and some kind of harmony in life so that we could persevere, I believe that you are.
Speaker A:A warrior, and I think you embody that very well.
Speaker A:So, Taytay, I appreciate you joining me today and continue shining that light and continue to help making this a better world for everybody.
Speaker B:Thank you so much.
Speaker B:I appreciate you, Darrell.
Speaker A:Alrighty, have a great day.
Speaker A:And if you'd like to connect with Taytae, you can do so on our two web pages or also on her TikTok and reach out, ask for help and do what is right for you and your family.
Speaker A:And again, I want to thank you for joining us on this edition of A Warrior Spirit.
Speaker A:Be sure to like or subscribe so that you catch all the episodes and may you have a beautiful, blessed day.
