Surviving the Streets: From Domestic Violence to Empowerment
Domestic violence is a serious topic, but today we're diving deep into it with Agape Garcia, a real-life survivor of a double attempted homicide.
Agape has transformed her horrific past into a mission, launching a nonprofit that provides support and resources to victims of domestic violence. Growing up in the inner city of Chicago, she faced challenges that would make most people’s heads spin, from an unstable family life to the constant threat of violence.
But instead of letting it break her, she’s now helping others break free from those cycles of abuse. So, buckle up, and get ready to hear an incredible story of resilience, empowerment, and the warrior spirit that keeps Agape fighting for those who can’t fight for themselves.
Takeaways:
- Surviving domestic violence is not just about escaping; it's about rebuilding your life afterward and helping others do the same.
- Agape Garcia's story shows how resilience can turn trauma into a mission to support others facing similar challenges.
- It's crucial to recognize the signs of unhealthy relationships before they escalate into violence, and to seek help early on.
- Awareness and education about domestic violence are key to breaking the cycle, especially for the next generation.
You can connect with Agape on social media at:
YT: https://www.youtube.com/@confrontingdomesticviolenc5796
FB: https://www.facebook.com/ConfrontingDV
Instagram: @confronting_DV
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/confrontingdv/?viewAsMember=true
Transcript
Hey, welcome back to another episode of A Warrior Spirit, the show where the inner warrior shines in their light, presented by Praxis 33, the company that aligns your thoughts, goals and actions to create your best life.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Darrell Snow.
Speaker A:And domestic violence is a subject few are willing to talk about.
Speaker A:But today we're going to be speaking with Agape Garcia.
Speaker A:And Agape survived a double attempted homicide and is now running a nonprofit confronting domestic violence, which provides real time resources to real time victims and their families.
Speaker A:So, Agape, I appreciate you joining us and thank you for your time today.
Speaker B:Well, thank you for having me.
Speaker B:What an honor to be here on.
Speaker A:Your platform, the subject matter, domestic violence, and the fact that you survived a double homicide attempt on your own life.
Speaker A:Can you take us back a little bit?
Speaker A:Where did you grow up and what was kind of your upbringing?
Speaker B:Sure.
Speaker B:Well, I was actually born and raised in the city of Chicago, the inner city, that is.
Speaker B:And my upbringing was basically just me.
Speaker B:What I mean by that, and I'll give you a better picture, my mother left when I was two and a half, three, and my sister passed away when I was three.
Speaker B:So that left me.
Speaker B:That resulted with me being left with my father.
Speaker B:And back then, you know, 40 some odd years ago, almost 50 now, you know, mental health and talking about emotions and the ability to cope was really not as prominent as it is today.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:So with my dad coping to the best of his ability, he worked third shift and slept all day, which basically left me alone to figure out life and navigate and navigate through life.
Speaker B:So where I learned respect, where I learned how to, I guess everything was outside of my doors.
Speaker B:He did have sisters.
Speaker B:I did have, you know, aunts.
Speaker B:However, they were on their, you know, on their journey to adulthood.
Speaker B:One was in school, one was, you know, married, and the other one just was like, this is not my problem, you know, so.
Speaker A:Well, in Chicago is not really a place where you think of, you know, the nicest of upbringings in the first place, when, I mean, I grew up in the Midwest.
Speaker A:And so, you know, Chicago to us always felt like a place where, you know, you really had to grow up street smart as well as book smart.
Speaker A:You had to kind of keep your head on a swivel and protect yourself at all times.
Speaker A:And was it kind of like that, even though you had your aunts around to help, was it kind of that environment?
Speaker B:Absolutely, 100%.
Speaker B:I mean, I can share with you that.
Speaker B:I mean, by the time I was in fifth grade, I had almost been kidnapped Twice.
Speaker B:Once where, you know, again, I was by myself.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So I was probably an easy target, being such a young girl, you know, know, out there on my own.
Speaker B:I was in Walgreens.
Speaker B:This was when we were recording, you know, the.
Speaker B:On the cassette tapes.
Speaker B:You know, I went to Walgreens.
Speaker B:I wanted to get a blank one so I could record what was happening, you know, music wise, later on in the day.
Speaker B:And when I was bending down to grab, you know, the cassette tapes, I was groped by some stranger.
Speaker B:And I immediately pop up and the hand went over my.
Speaker B:My nose and my mouth, and I was damn near being escorted like that out of.
Speaker B:Out of the store.
Speaker B:And if it wasn't for the manager behind those dark glasses to see everything, he literally stopped the kidnapping right then and there.
Speaker B:Okay, so that's just to get a little bit of insight on how it was, for sure.
Speaker B:And then, you know, high school, Are you kidding me?
Speaker B:I had to walk through metal detectors to get into the school before you even get to a classroom.
Speaker B:Okay, these are at the doors at the entryway.
Speaker B:So, yes, violence was everywhere, you know, behind closed doors, outside of those closed doors.
Speaker B:I mean, it just was the normal.
Speaker A:The normal, huh?
Speaker A:Childhood is hard enough.
Speaker A:Growing up on the streets is even harder.
Speaker A:And a lot of people, you know, they understand that young men in that situation will turn to gangs because gangs are basically a semi family for a lot of these kids.
Speaker A:You know, it's their pecking order, it's their security, it's their identity.
Speaker A:But there's also not only females who hang around those gangs, but female gangs themselves.
Speaker A:Did you experience any of those, or did you.
Speaker A:How did you avoid those if you did?
Speaker B:Well, thank you for asking, because you are spot on.
Speaker B:So I want to first say that the Puerto Rican culture and also, you know, the black community, when they learned that I had no mother and that my dad was basically checked out and I was on my own, there were families that took me in, that fed me, that taught me a lot of really great survival skills to make it through these streets.
Speaker B:And gang banging was definitely on every corner all the time.
Speaker B:And for me personally, what allowed me to not be a part of that, there was only one other option, and that was be a tagger slash break dancer.
Speaker B:So I was a B girl.
Speaker B:I chose to have dance competitions and be a graffiti artist all over the city instead of gang banging.
Speaker B:Why?
Speaker B:Because I knew that if you had your hat cocked to the left or to the right, that was letting somebody know what you were about.
Speaker B:If you had shoelaces a certain color, same thing.
Speaker B:If you're wearing a color combination, same thing.
Speaker B:And I did not want to be inhibited to a neighborhood.
Speaker B:I wanted to walk wherever I wanted to walk.
Speaker B:I already knew the transit system.
Speaker B:I knew how to get on buses and trains in the L.
Speaker B:I knew how to navigate a large portion of the city by a very young age.
Speaker B:So by the time I had reached those teenage years and knew that gang banging was only going to result in two things, death or behind bars.
Speaker B:I said, I will carry a backpack and wear size 38 jeans with suspenders, even though I'm a size 0 with some spray cans, spray paint cans in my backpack.
Speaker B:So if I'm stopped and I'm questioned, I know what I'm saying, and you can check me because to validate me and I'm good.
Speaker B:That's how I survived.
Speaker A:That's.
Speaker A:That's incredible instincts and survival skills.
Speaker A:Did you have any mentors or anyone in your circle at all that you looked up to or that helped guide you, or was it solely you?
Speaker B:Well, I will say that by the time I was, you know, I'm going to talk about the most critical years, right?
Speaker B:The teenage years, I had friends that had, like, again, the.
Speaker B:The Puerto Rican culture and the black community families are widespread, okay?
Speaker B:I mean, like two Puerto Rican families, I had.
Speaker B:I had two Puerto Rican friends.
Speaker B:And their families probably had an outreach of, I don't know, 200 people from south side to north side to the suburbs, east side to the west side.
Speaker B:And so their parents, actually, their parents were the ones that really gave the hardcore lessons to prevent young ladies from being naive.
Speaker B:And, yes, it was very harsh and hard.
Speaker B:And some of those friends today are going to therapy where for me, I was like, oh, my gosh, I needed that.
Speaker B:Because if it wasn't for your parents or your aunts, I would not be who I am today.
Speaker B:And I wouldn't have the strength, the mental strength that I have today because of them.
Speaker B:And I'll give an example.
Speaker B:I mean, obviously their lives were a bit rougher than ours, which is how they were able to, you know, communicate these things.
Speaker B:But as a, as a young lady, you walk around and you keep your.
Speaker B:Your chapstick or your lipstick like this, or your keys, you keep your keys like this.
Speaker B:Because if anybody is coming up to you or threatening you or you need to do something, quick action, it's very fast here.
Speaker B:And run, right?
Speaker B:You don't stay and fight.
Speaker B:What you do is cause some sort of, you know, infliction to defend Yourself and then you run.
Speaker B:Okay, but if you're not having that situational awareness, if you're on your phone, back then that wasn't a thing, you know, but you have your ear, your, your, your.
Speaker B:Your headphones or your music playing in your ears, you know, you are doing yourself a disservice because then you are now making yourself an easier target.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:So it was always about situational awareness and watching human behaviors that would basically, you know, give you an instinct or some sort of, you know, insight.
Speaker B:Okay, should I cross the street?
Speaker B:Should I stay on this street?
Speaker B:Should I just kind of stop right here and sit on this stair and smile as they go by?
Speaker B:Or, you know, what do I do to make sure that I'm safe?
Speaker B:What.
Speaker B:What is available around me?
Speaker B:And sometimes, you know, in Chicago, it could just be, you know, a door that opens up to the building where the mailboxes are at, and you can just kind of, you know, suck it in and be.
Speaker B:Stay behind.
Speaker B:So when people are coming, they think you already went all the way in.
Speaker A:Yeah, I.
Speaker A:I was born in Minneapolis and we were in the basically ghetto side of town most of my young childhood.
Speaker A:And I remember in kindergarten having to carry a pocket knife in my, you know, on me as a kindergartner.
Speaker A:And, you know, we learned that key trick, you know, too.
Speaker A:You keep your house key in your.
Speaker A:In the middle of your knuckles because if you got a swing, at least that helps.
Speaker A:So I understand everything that you're saying and I understand, you know, situational awareness is what I mean when I talk about street smarts.
Speaker A:You learn at a very young age how to read people and situations around you in order to survive.
Speaker A:How does that.
Speaker A:And I know how it transcended for me once I moved away from that environment.
Speaker A:It was a very difficult transition for me to accept people at their word, to trust easily, you know, things of that nature.
Speaker A:How long till you were able to remove yourself from Chicago or did you stay?
Speaker B:Well, so I ended up.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:So I had.
Speaker B:I am like, textbook, right?
Speaker B:So teenage years.
Speaker B:I found myself in a teen dating violence, know, relationship.
Speaker B:February is teen Dating Violence awareness month.
Speaker B:So this is right on point here, right on time.
Speaker B:I didn't know that I was.
Speaker B:That it was unhealthy again.
Speaker B:This was, you know, violence was normal.
Speaker B:It's just the way of life.
Speaker B:And then I was pregnant.
Speaker B:So I knew that when I was going to be a mother, that I was not going to give my baby the life that I was expecting to, that I was dragged around, that I had no way to get out of.
Speaker B:So I ended up right after she was born, I ended up going back for my ged.
Speaker B:I did drop out at this point.
Speaker A:When she was born.
Speaker B:I was turning 18.
Speaker B:So I was 17 at the time, turning 18.
Speaker B:And, you know, I had.
Speaker B:I think I said I had to walk through metal detectors just to get to school.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:So, you know, dropping out was like, no big deal, right?
Speaker B:That's whatever expected, I guess.
Speaker B:So after she was born, I realized, oh, no, this is not the way of life.
Speaker B:I am now responsible for a human being, and I don't want her to go through what I experienced.
Speaker B:So I went back to get my ged.
Speaker B:The very last day of GED class, a counselor came in and said, tomorrow is the last day to register for college, so if any of you are interested in doing that, do it.
Speaker B:And I was like, oh, heck yes, I'm doing this.
Speaker B:And, you know, I moved forward.
Speaker B:And the father of my child, he ended up fleeing the continental United States because of getting in trouble on the street.
Speaker B:And so I didn't have a mom.
Speaker B:So his mother became like a surrogate mother and then was like, that's my granddaughter.
Speaker B:Let me help you.
Speaker B:You didn't have a mother, so you don't know how to be a mother.
Speaker B:And I have five kids, and I will love her and can trust me.
Speaker B:I won't get into all that drama.
Speaker B:But she was not a person that I could trust.
Speaker B:And she definitely brainwashed and hurt my baby emotionally and mentally for so long that I finally had the opportunity to leave the city and go to a suburb.
Speaker B:Okay, so this way she couldn't, like, just get to me in five, 10 minutes easily.
Speaker B:And the buses were not going to drop you off in front of my house.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:Over there.
Speaker B:And so I created this environment for my.
Speaker B:Myself where literally the school that my daughter was going to was right in front of where we lived.
Speaker B:The job that I had was three blocks, you know, west, and the babysitter was like four blocks east.
Speaker B:So even on my worst days of, you know, car not starting or mechanical issues, my daughter was not late to school and I was not late to work.
Speaker B:I still, I had it figured out to where it was.
Speaker B:I was so selfish, efficient, sufficient that it was like I was on cloud nine.
Speaker B:I was totally responsible.
Speaker B:I didn't need.
Speaker B:I didn't have my hand out.
Speaker B:I was paying all my own bills.
Speaker B:I.
Speaker B:It was.
Speaker B:I was being responsible.
Speaker B:It was like, this is what life is supposed to be as a parent raising a healthy, you know, Raising a child in a healthy environment.
Speaker B:So what ended up happening was, you know, when my daughter was about eight years old, I decided to give somebody else a chance, you know, in my life.
Speaker B:And I figured, you know, back then there was no Facebook, Instagram, any of those things.
Speaker B:You can't like, really do detective work.
Speaker B:So I felt like, hey, you know, they're.
Speaker B:They're an entrepreneur.
Speaker B:You know, they're.
Speaker B:I met their family, I met their friends.
Speaker B:These are important things to do.
Speaker B:I knew that even back then, you know, to see how their relationships are with their, you know, female friends and co workers and family members, that's very important to see.
Speaker B:So, you know, kind of where you would, you know, get.
Speaker B:Receive some similar relationship, I'll say respect or whatever.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Gives you insight.
Speaker B: is job to another state about: Speaker B:And as you know, that's the dream, right?
Speaker B:Leaving the hood is success.
Speaker B:So I was all in, hell, yeah, let's do this.
Speaker B:So, so he ended up going, you know, he ended up leaving first.
Speaker B:I did go out there a few times to, you know, see the different neighborhoods and see, okay, where do we want to actually, like, plant ourselves and raise, you know, this family and all that?
Speaker B:So I was very responsible, like I said.
Speaker B:So come, like March, April.
Speaker B:April to be exact.
Speaker B:It was the spring break.
Speaker B: s when I chose to drive those: Speaker B:So I'm seven months pregnant, driving with my daughter to our new destination during her spring break.
Speaker B:So that when I, when we get to our new place, we can learn the neighborhood and see the school and, you know, all these great things.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So when my belongings arrived about, you know, a month later, I'm unpacking, we're, you know, I'm settling in, and I found belongings to another woman.
Speaker B:And I was completely beside myself.
Speaker B:Like, okay, I just left everything voluntarily.
Speaker B:The job, the school, the family, the friends, the whole thing that I had set up where I was totally independent and on my own.
Speaker B:Is this really what's happening here?
Speaker B:So I'm starting to try to remember conversations.
Speaker B:Did he have, did his sister come and visit?
Speaker B:Did his, you know, niece or aunt or any friends come over?
Speaker B:Like, I'm really trying to think hard about these conversations before I go, go right to Assum.
Speaker B:So I waited until, you know, later on that evening, homework is done.
Speaker B:Everything is done.
Speaker B:My baby's sleeping.
Speaker B:It's time for us to have a conversation.
Speaker B:So I said very simply, you know, while I was unpacking today and getting settled in, I came across the belongings of someone else.
Speaker B:And I would like to know who it belongs to.
Speaker B:And I was immediately met with the accusation of me going through their belongings.
Speaker B:And I said, no, no, no.
Speaker B:And I went to repeat myself.
Speaker B:And before I could even finish repeating myself, I was already on the floor.
Speaker B:He was straddling my pregnant stomach.
Speaker B:I was eight months at the time.
Speaker B:And his left hand was, you know, around my neck, pinning me to the ground.
Speaker B:And the right hand just closed fist, punching me over and over to the head.
Speaker B:So that did wake up my daughter.
Speaker B:And her little scared voice was a tone that I had never heard, but it rang so loud in my ears that while I was on the.
Speaker B:On the floor and that.
Speaker B:That, you know, circumstance, I said, that's my daughter.
Speaker B:And literally, my knees bent and my feet went flat on the floor, and I used my neck as a kickstand to thrust my hips to the ceiling so he would roll off of me, which he did.
Speaker B:And I was able to pop up in, like, half a second.
Speaker B:It was like she hulk adrenaline through my veins, okay?
Speaker B:And I run around the couch, and right when she was taking her last step.
Speaker B:Step off that bottom stair, I grabbed her hand and we ran out of the front door just like that.
Speaker B:Barefoot, in pajamas, with nothing in our hands.
Speaker B:Nothing.
Speaker B:I saw a light on at the neighbors, and we just.
Speaker B:I knocked over there, and I was, like, pleading, please, I need to use your phone.
Speaker B:I have to call the police.
Speaker B:You know, all these things.
Speaker B:And that's where the journey began.
Speaker B:Here I was thinking that, you know, I left all that nonsense behind only to be deeper than I ever could have imagined.
Speaker A:He was one way when he was around family, but that.
Speaker A:That shield of, you know, family wasn't there.
Speaker A:So he was able to then be his inner self.
Speaker A:Because you don't become.
Speaker A:Listen, I.
Speaker A:I was a very angry man for many decades, and I understand zero to a million, but I also understand what it takes to get there.
Speaker A:And it's not just because you're being asked whether you, you know, went through my belongings or not.
Speaker A:Something else inside him triggered that rage.
Speaker A:And being caught and not having the barrier of family there to, you know, control the veil, because we act one way around family and friends than we do in the privacy of our own home sometimes when we're, you know, in those moments.
Speaker A:So that veil was gone and suddenly the rage was exploding there was that.
Speaker A:Was that when you talk about surviving double homicide, was that what you were referring to?
Speaker A:Or was there another incident where, where you also were in danger of, of, you know, that kind of life altering violence?
Speaker B:I mean, as mentioned before, you know, teenage years, there was plenty of that violence.
Speaker B:But to this extent, yes, this is the double attempted homicide that I am referring to.
Speaker B:I was eight months pregnant and he's, you know, choking me, strangling me and multiple blows to the head.
Speaker A:Did he get arrested for it and did he serve time or did the courts turn the blind eye?
Speaker B:So actually in that state, so in Chicago, Crooked county, something like that, it's a little slap on the hands and you're out.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:But where I was at, it was brand new to me.
Speaker B:I didn't know the rights or the laws or anything.
Speaker B:I did not sleep for days and I did so much research to figure out what, where am I?
Speaker B:What's happening, what is available to me.
Speaker B:When I called the police, it took what seemed to be 20 hours.
Speaker B:It was probably just 20 minutes.
Speaker B:You know, when they arrived, he was actually still at the home.
Speaker B:So they went over there and they took him, they arrested him on the spot.
Speaker B:There was definitely enough evidence and marks on, on my body.
Speaker B:And they did hold him until the court date.
Speaker B:And it took every ounce of strength for me to show up and testify.
Speaker B:And I spoke to the DA and I was very adamant and energetic and passionate about what happened and how it happened and how I was just going to go up there and let everybody know about it.
Speaker B:And then I was on the stand.
Speaker B:And while I was on the stand, they brought him in and as soon as he made eye contact with me, my voice went like this, my shoulders went like this and I was shrinking in the seat and I'm like, what's going on?
Speaker B:Speak up.
Speaker B:What's happening?
Speaker B:I had no control over what was being drained out of my spirit.
Speaker B:And thank goodness it was the judge that said, okay, I've seen this too many times before.
Speaker B:And he was sentenced.
Speaker A:Well, you went on to turn that tragedy into something pretty amazing because you, you went on to become a certified high performance coach.
Speaker A:You're a four time award winning co author, you are a public speaker, you founded Be your incredible Self and you run a nonprofit confronting domestic violence.
Speaker A:So you used that tragedy to propel yourself not only for a better life for you and your children, but to help others who are experiencing those things.
Speaker A:What was it inside you that like, it's One thing to say, okay, never again for me and I'm going to protect me and my family.
Speaker A:But it's another thing to stand up and say never again for others as well.
Speaker A:What propelled you into the service of helping those who have experienced what you experienced?
Speaker B:Thank you for asking that.
Speaker B:Because you're right.
Speaker B:Not too many people would want to continuously relive and do right.
Speaker B:So 20 years after, you know, that double attempted homicide, I was in a near fatal car accident.
Speaker B:I had a 1% chance of surviving twice in that same car accident.
Speaker B:And when I was in icu, unable to feed myself or do anything, barely move, I kept petitioning my creator, God, why are you sir, why are you saving my life?
Speaker B:What is my purpose?
Speaker B:Why did you choose to spare me?
Speaker B:Why?
Speaker B:I don't understand and I need to understand.
Speaker B:I need to know what is my purpose here?
Speaker B:Why did you spare my life?
Speaker B:I have made it through so much in my life life and that accident should have definitely taken it.
Speaker B:I mean it was insane what happened.
Speaker B:And I just kept petitioning relentlessly and it came to me while I was in icu.
Speaker B:CDV was born.
Speaker B:I was.
Speaker B:I received the message.
Speaker B:Share your story Talk about post traumatic growth.
Speaker B:All of these years that you have navigated through these uncharted waters, all of the time it took for you to find resources, get resources, every, every loophole you had to jump through, every time somebody said no and you had to say next.
Speaker B:All of those experiences over the past 20 years, how can you help fill those gaps to prevent people from going that same path?
Speaker B:Because remember, I was out there by myself.
Speaker B:The doctors called me high risk.
Speaker B:I couldn't go back home.
Speaker B:I was literally stuck.
Speaker B:So I had no choice but to swim or sink.
Speaker B:And not a lot of people have the tenacity to relentlessly call and seek out.
Speaker B:It's very often that we feel defeated.
Speaker B:And so I believed I received the message that my life was being spared.
Speaker B:To create an organization and create a space where people did not have to relive or go through what, you know, what I did.
Speaker B:And so that's how confronting domestic violence was born.
Speaker B:From the icu Fighting for my life again.
Speaker B:Well, this time I wasn't fighting for my life.
Speaker B:Something bigger and more powerful than me decided to fight for me and spare me.
Speaker A:And you.
Speaker A:I like that you say post traumatic growth, but you went on to also co author and like I mentioned, an award winning book.
Speaker A:How did this book, Everyday Woman's guide to living your best life.
Speaker A:How did that come about?
Speaker A:As part of what you were doing to help others.
Speaker B:Well, this book actually was one of the first books that I wrote.
Speaker B:Actually, I'm kind of losing track.
Speaker B:I don't know if it was that one or another one, but basically I was just on this mission of talking about how to describe mind over matter without that cliche statement, mind over matter.
Speaker B:Mind over matter.
Speaker B:You know, what does that really mean?
Speaker B:You know, mind over matter is really, I believe, written in that book because I am talking about post traumatic growth.
Speaker B:I am talking about when you feel that you're at your.
Speaker B:At your best, at your highest, and then all of a sudden everything is taken from you.
Speaker B:Now what do you do?
Speaker B:Do you cave in?
Speaker B:Or do you mentally reassure and reaffirm yourself that you are.
Speaker B:You have ups and downs, you have highs and lows, and you.
Speaker B:You can overcome, and you can take the devastations and you can take the losses and you can do something about it.
Speaker B:You can be a stronger, wiser individual.
Speaker B:You can move a million times, but you live in your head.
Speaker B:So decluttering that mental space will give you the clarity needed for the direction to move forward in.
Speaker A:Yeah, you say, I like that mantra.
Speaker A:You know, you can go anywhere, but the reality is you live in your head.
Speaker A:And that often prevents people from actually moving forward, let alone moving anywhere.
Speaker A:You know, they stop in their head and they, you know, they let the fear and the doubt keep them right where they are.
Speaker A:It takes a lot of fortitude to, you know, you survived a lot in your life, but it still takes a lot of fortitude to.
Speaker A:Even when we hear the calling, you know, many of us say, you know, God, what is my purpose?
Speaker A:What am I supposed to do?
Speaker A:Why am I still here?
Speaker A:You know, I have a psychology background, and I always said, it's amazing to me that 3,000 years later, we're still asking those same questions.
Speaker A:What's my purpose?
Speaker A:And why am I here?
Speaker A:You know, it's.
Speaker A:It's not like gone any further than that for most people.
Speaker A:But even when we ask those questions and then we hear the answer, not many people have the courage to move forward with that answer if it is outside what they were expecting or what their norm is.
Speaker A:So what.
Speaker A:What propelled you to the courage to actually move forward with what you were hearing you're supposed to do?
Speaker B:I looked at my kids.
Speaker B:I looked at their life.
Speaker B:Both children were adults at that time.
Speaker B:One was definitely, you know, an adult, and the other one was near adulthood.
Speaker B:And I looked at them and I realized that.
Speaker B:I realized so many things.
Speaker B:You know, number one, they are they have a good head on their shoulders.
Speaker B:Their emotional well being is intact.
Speaker B:If it wasn't for those warrior women, you know, as teenagers that were, you know, making sure we were not naive and giving us that situational awareness, you know, I was able to instill those things into my children as well.
Speaker B:And I just looked at the healthy unit that I was able to create and maintain as a sole provider and protector during those, you know, during those years.
Speaker B:And I asked their blessings, I said, you know, I believe this is why my life was spared.
Speaker B:Are you okay if I share our story?
Speaker B:Are you okay if I help others?
Speaker B:And it was very important that I got their blessing, you know, because they are the direct recipients.
Speaker B:And, you know, I don't want to call them victims, but they were the innocent bystanders to, you know, those unfortunate situations that, you know, I was put in, which obviously exposed them to all of it.
Speaker B:I mean, we had been homeless, we had been without food.
Speaker B:We had, we have suffered quite a bit, but we continuously overcame those challenges.
Speaker B:And so, you know, what really propelled me was knowing that I had something.
Speaker B:There was a gift inside of me that I can offer to other people that they don't need to, you know, take their own lives or feel so defeated that they cave in.
Speaker B:It's like giving others that hope by filling those gaps and sharing my story and seeing the other side of that tunnel and then being able to offer those resources.
Speaker B:Because here's the thing, you can go to a doctor and you can be a patient and they can go textbook, okay, or you can go to a therapist or a counselor or a coach.
Speaker B:And if they have been through a similar situation and can understand and have that empathy, you feel safer.
Speaker B:You're more.
Speaker B:You're more open to being vulnerable.
Speaker B:And it just creates this trusting safe zone.
Speaker B:And I don't.
Speaker B:I can't really explain how I understood that or knew that.
Speaker B:It was almost like my life being spared opened my mind to life in itself much differently because I was so.
Speaker B:I was so hyper focused on being independent that it was pretty much self sabotaging.
Speaker A:You grew up in a violent life from, from birth till you, you know, stepped out of your domestic abuse with, with your last partner.
Speaker A:And that is a situation that tends to go one of two ways.
Speaker A:Either our children or the next generation repeat that cycle because that's all they know and that's the norm and that's what's acceptable.
Speaker A:And they think this is how it's supposed to be.
Speaker A:Or they break that cycle and never accept that as a part of their life.
Speaker A:Were you able to instill in your girls that domestic violence, people abusing you, either verbally or physically, is not the norm and should not be tolerated?
Speaker A:Have they broke that cycle?
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:Absolutely.
Speaker B:I am so proud.
Speaker B:I cannot.
Speaker B:I don't want to be on a soapbox, but I am so proud of my children.
Speaker B:I really am.
Speaker B:They know how to communicate effectively, respectfully.
Speaker B:I always taught them, say what you want to say, but do it in a respectful manner.
Speaker B:And they have really taken that to some such a high level that, I don't know.
Speaker B:I don't.
Speaker B:I can't take credit for instilling that in them.
Speaker B:I can just take credit for what I told them and what they did with it and how they are utilizing and deploying that today is, you know, so incredible.
Speaker B:My daughter speaks her mind and her emotions so respectfully and clearly that there's no doubt left when she's finished communicating.
Speaker B:And, you know, my son, you know, he's.
Speaker B:He's very much so on that same page.
Speaker B:Still some work to do, but, you know, that's expected.
Speaker A:Well, and it's important that, you know, the boys also who have.
Speaker A:Who've been raised around that, understand that this is not how you're supposed to treat, you know, your significant other, your mother, your daughter, your whomever, female, whatever.
Speaker A:I know when I was young, I saw my biological dad try to kill my mom.
Speaker A:I remember him throwing a knife at her, and I remember him pointing a gun at her and pulling the trigger to an empty gun.
Speaker A:But I went my entire life saying, I never want to be like that man.
Speaker A:And so even though I had a lot of rage in me, it was never brought out in the violence towards a female in that way.
Speaker A:In fact, I almost got killed myself protecting a stranger who was going through violence.
Speaker A:I was driving home from the bar with some friends, saw some guy on the corner of his, you know, in his yard abusing this girl.
Speaker A:And I stopped the car and got out, and I was confronting him, and he put a gun right to my head and said, you walk away now.
Speaker A:And I said, I'm not going anywhere.
Speaker A:And my friends actually had to drag me away from that situation or I would have probably been killed because I wasn't going to let other people abuse other women like I saw from my mom.
Speaker A:So, you know, it's important that your son become the man who doesn't commit those atrocities towards other women as well.
Speaker A:So, you know, and that is upbringing, and that is kudos to you.
Speaker A:So I give you Great applause for that.
Speaker B:Thank you so much.
Speaker B:And you're hitting a very close topic to my heart, because there was a recent situation where, you know, my son and I were home, and it was.
Speaker B:I don't know, we were awakened at, like, 2 in the morning, and it was a couple fighting.
Speaker B:And, you know, we live in a complex, and, you know, I.
Speaker B:We were not able to determine, you know, where it was coming from, but it was very loud and apparent.
Speaker B:And he looked at me and he was like, this is what you're about.
Speaker B:Aren't you gonna go and do something?
Speaker B:And I looked at him and I said, do you know how dangerous that is?
Speaker B:You know, because to your point, as a man that knows that their mother went through something, now they're like, this is not gonna happen to anybody else.
Speaker B:And he had that mindset.
Speaker B:But I was.
Speaker B:You know, it was me that was there, and I was like, son, you do not want to put yourself in a situation where you now become potentially the victim or the one that suffers because you're getting involved.
Speaker B:And it was that moment that I was able to, you know, bring awareness and educate him a little bit on, you know, police officers.
Speaker B:Domestic violence is the riskiest call for them to respond to.
Speaker B:Why?
Speaker B:Because emotions are so heightened.
Speaker B:And when people have no control over their emotions, they, too, get this, you know, like, super strength.
Speaker B:And they kind of black out in between their heart and their mind, and their actions are just uncontrollable, unreasonable.
Speaker B:And you have no idea what somebody is willing to do for somebody that they love.
Speaker B:As a parent, you know, what you would do for your child.
Speaker B:Well, when you're in a, you know, relationship and your partner, you love them.
Speaker B:You know, whatever your definition is of love, you know, it's still those emotions that are raging inside.
Speaker B:So you have to take precaution.
Speaker B:You have to be careful.
Speaker B:And so, you know, yes, he is very much so.
Speaker B:On, you know, ending the abuse and, you know, kind of confrontational on, you know, how it should be done.
Speaker A:How do you navigate that?
Speaker A:Because that is a.
Speaker A:That is a tricky water.
Speaker A:That is.
Speaker A:I don't think we should turn a blind eye to people who are.
Speaker A:Who are being abused.
Speaker A:I think we do need to step in and help, you know, and sometimes that is risk to ourselves.
Speaker A:But I think, you know, you still have to stand up for what's right.
Speaker A:Just because it's none of our business doesn't.
Speaker A:That's bullshit.
Speaker A:It's all of our business.
Speaker A:When someone's being, you know, abused that way in your nonprofit.
Speaker A:How do you help the men and the women navigate that fine line between putting yourself at risk and helping those who need to?
Speaker A:And then how do you help them help themselves to get out of that?
Speaker B:Yes, very good question and thank you for asking because that is multiple answers.
Speaker B:First and foremost, you know, and this goes for anything, anyone, anywhere, under any circumstances.
Speaker B:The only time you can help somebody is if they want it.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:The person has to want the help in order to receive the help.
Speaker B:So for the non profit organization, I help people who are calling because, or reaching out, you know, through the website because those are the people that are seeking the help.
Speaker B:I'm not going out there recruiting people.
Speaker B:Hey, are you in a domestic violence situation?
Speaker B:I can help you if you are.
Speaker B:No, by the time they're reaching me, they, they are looking and wanting the help.
Speaker B:So what I am able to do once, you know, they get a hold of me is I go through, you know, a list of questions and the first thing I ask, you know, is are you safe at this moment?
Speaker B:You know, can.
Speaker B:Do you have at least 10, 15 minutes to talk, if not more?
Speaker B:Because I have a list of questions.
Speaker B:I'm going to ask you to better understand your situation so I can help identify what your real time needs are.
Speaker B:Because when you're in that situation, it's this huge story with a lot of emotions and, you know, unclarity that you sometimes don't even know what your priorities are.
Speaker B:You just know it's this whole long list and you need to get it all done and you don't know where to go.
Speaker B:So that's why I ask all of these questions so I can identify what is the immediate needs and then I find the resources that are available that I know are currently being funded and operating.
Speaker B:So I'm not just sending you to like, oh, here's, here's a, you know, a list of 1, 800 numbers that you would probably get from somewhere else.
Speaker B:You know, I am a part of a group that meets on a biweekly basis.
Speaker B:There's up to about 80 different organizations and that's just in one state.
Speaker B:I have connections across the nation at this point and based on what their answers are, I'm able to go to my directory and say, okay, here's a shelter, here's a therapist, here's, you know, an advocate.
Speaker B:Here's, here's, you know, your local, you know, family justice center.
Speaker B:Here's what you want to do, here's how you want to go about it.
Speaker B:If you, if you're looking to do you know, this.
Speaker B:Then you want to make sure you have these documents in hand and ready to go so that you can receive the service that you need without delay.
Speaker B:So it's, you know, walking, asking them the questions and then guiding them through the process and walking through with them what to expect and then how to, you know, navigate that.
Speaker B:Because when you don't know, it's scary.
Speaker A:I, I hear a lot of people who are in domestic situations, they're based out of fear.
Speaker A:They're afraid to make a change or make move.
Speaker A:But then they also try to justify the abuse, oh, I did this and it triggered that, or I, I don't deserve, you know, they, they feel like they deserve, you know, the abuse or that they're not worthy of something better.
Speaker A:And I think it's also an important distinction.
Speaker A:Domestic violence isn't just men on women.
Speaker A:It is women on men as well.
Speaker A:And I think it's harder for men to actually speak up because of the way society deems, you know, masculinity.
Speaker A:They, they don't want to accept that a woman can be abusive to a man as well.
Speaker A:But it goes both ways.
Speaker A:It's not an isolated gender one way to the other.
Speaker A:But if you were to have somebody who, who is listening to this, who just wants out or wants help for themselves with, regardless of they reach out to you or not, what, what would be your advice to help them have the courage to make that first step?
Speaker B:Well, it's all circumstantial.
Speaker B:I mean, first of all, when you realize that you're in an unhealthy, toxic environment and you want out, you already made it through half the battle.
Speaker B:The other half is figuring out how to do that.
Speaker B:And for most people, the reason why they're unable to is those two factors, which is fear and finances.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So again, once you're able to acknowledge that you want out, then I would suggest that you start working towards not having that fear to actually execute on getting out.
Speaker B:And now what does getting out look like?
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:Well, if it's financial reasons or financial fear, look at what resources you have.
Speaker B:Look at the assets that you have.
Speaker B:You know, some people really Forget about simple IRAs or 401ks.
Speaker B:Some people forget that they have, you know, their name to a title on, you know, a car or extra piece of property or a CD account somewhere, or even a life insurance policy that has been accumulating money, you know, that you can borrow against.
Speaker B:There are many avenues and areas that people forget where they have resources that will help them get out.
Speaker B:Of a situation.
Speaker B:And that is that it's just to fill that gap, right?
Speaker B:It's just to get them that initial funding to get to where they need to go.
Speaker B:The other part that is that I find, you know, very.
Speaker B:I'll call it like a pattern is that folks will not talk to their employer.
Speaker B:It's something that they don't, you know, that they fear, you know, they don't want to talk to their employer and say, hey, I'm in.
Speaker B:I'm in a situation and I need to relocate.
Speaker B:Can I keep my job?
Speaker B:Can you transfer me to a different, you know, satellite office?
Speaker B:Can you help me?
Speaker B:Because a lot of that fear is they're going to lose their job.
Speaker B:That's their income.
Speaker B:That's their only way of providing, you know.
Speaker B:And nowadays, you know, obviously, since the work at home and work from home and work remote is, you know, now a capable thing, you know, that opens up a lot of doors now for that help.
Speaker B:So it's really being able to identify what it is you want and how you want to go about it.
Speaker B:So if you put that bigger picture in front of you and then draw the line of the or pave the path on, okay, what do I need to do to get there?
Speaker B:Go backwards.
Speaker B:This is where I want to go.
Speaker B:How do I get there?
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:So who am I contacting?
Speaker B:What am I setting up?
Speaker B:When am I, you know, where am I going to be able to, I guess, you know, get it and then put it and keep it safe.
Speaker B:Because now it becomes almost sneaky because you have to be super private about that.
Speaker B:But that's where you find the people that you trust, whether that's friends, family, you know, the employer, the school, whomever, and you can help start developing that plan.
Speaker A:I think it's important to just take the first step and sometimes, you know, asking for help or, you know, people around, you know, I'm speaking from personal family life experience.
Speaker A:People don't even know the abuse is happening because you keep it so private behind closed doors.
Speaker A:And once you actually bring it forth, so many people want to help you and will do whatever it takes.
Speaker A:So first is just asking for the help.
Speaker A:And, you know, that's a starting point.
Speaker A:I'm going to ask you one last question that I ask all my guests.
Speaker A:What does a warrior spirit or having a warrior spirit mean to agape?
Speaker B:Wow.
Speaker B:That means fearing no one and nothing.
Speaker B:You.
Speaker B:I see it as being mama bear protecting the cubs.
Speaker B:Okay?
Speaker B:I will freaking confront and fight until my last dying breath to protect and when you have that within that light and that fearless spirit as a warrior, it's all you.
Speaker B:You got it.
Speaker A:Well, I know for a fact that you definitely embody a warrior spirit.
Speaker A:You are doing such great things to bring awareness and help to people who have gone through your own experiences and I just commend you for having the courage to step out and continue to fight for those who are finding it hard to fight for themselves.
Speaker A:So thank you for sharing your message and thank you for joining me.
Speaker A:And you know, I.
Speaker A:I wish you a ton of blessings in your life and on your way.
Speaker B:Thank you so much.
Speaker B:Thank you.
Speaker A:And if you'd like to connect with Agape, you can do so on her social media sites.
Speaker A:They will be in the show notes as well as here on screen.
Speaker A:And once again I want to thank you for joining us on another edition of A Warrior Spirit.
Speaker A:Be sure to hit that like or subscribe button to catch all the episodes and may you have a blessed rest of your day.
